This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-01-27 01:42:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Sun Shines Through Cracks

Winter left char-cold hands while skating swiftly over cracked ice. Would we buy the sun a gift if we could, to melt the coldest days of life dispell a sphere of hellish moments. A trade of goods could not render enough satisfaction to supreme light, consistent when sad diaries are written. Behind the shades shaking fading under fallen stars a volume of promises would not do. Gold no gracious gratitude give such power, neither proper respect nor infinity of smiles grand enough - to appreciate the glory that restores healing of pain, through cracks that allow the sunlight to shine in.

Copyright © January 2010 DeniMari Z.

Additional Notes:
Originally posted this poem titled Char-cold, which some appreciated, but felt and edit, and re-write would help it - This is the new version, Note to MSS - It was missing something.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2010-02-21 21:07:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Just catching up on some of January's work that I missed. I found a reference to this in Mark's January Voting and since he has "the eye, the ear" I figured I'd better check this out. Well worth the trip! It's a bit underpunctuated for my taste and there's a couple of minor word-work changes I'd suggest, but that doesn't (shouldn't) detract from the high quality of this work. Whatever you're smoking, keep inhaling. :) Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-02-02 21:10:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni, Im glad you reposted this. It is one of my favorite poems of yours. Im not surprised that it has placed well in the voting. Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-02-02 08:33:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94872
Actually, DeniMarie, I like this poem better than any of yours I recall reading. Yet, it could be improved upon. It rolls on like a lumbering, staggered sentence and it does not need to do so. Take out articles that are unnecessary for understanding, using a degree of poetic license. Give your reader "blanks" to fill in once you've show them direction. That's multifaceting. Free verse IS the most difficult with which to succeed but it is worth the effort. And it damn sure beats the overly contrived. Now let's look at what I like: to a student of MesoAmerica, the lines, "Would we buy/the sun a gift is we could," has powerful meaning. The preColumbian civilizations overcompensated a little doing just that. As touching on keen historical reference, enriching a poem by doing so, this is really a big deal. The lines, "consistent when sad/diaries are written", to speak of the absence of the sun's essence in metaphor is grand. But at best, the parallel you draw between other forms of loss with that of the son's seasonal migration and its seeming "loss" is parallelism used well. JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-01-31 18:06:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni, This is a stunning free verse poem and one I enjoyed from the first line to the last. You have penned some great lines, even though written in free verse, it finds itself lyrical quite often. I am at a loss to pick my favorite line as I like them all. A well crafted poem with a profound message. Well done. Best wishes, cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2010-01-29 16:37:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I seem to remember your original, yes--, this is a bit leaner, more trimmed or that is the way it read for me. Again, it definitely gives the reader something to ponder, and even in its melancholy note the final strophe gives hope. Well written, had wondered if "gives" might have served better in the line "give such power" thought of course it is the poets choice. Thank you for an unusual read and a chance to read a work well accomplished. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2010-01-28 18:03:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Note to Deni: you found it. Very nice. I love this new mode from you. It's as if the shortened lines have released something. You've found poetry while shunning trying to be poetic. "Would we buy the sun a gift if we could" Just love that, love it. "Gold no gracious gratitude" See, you found dense poetry and heavy alliteration because you earned it by being honest. No need to aim at these things, just let them speak through you. They will. I truly love this, love this. One more time. :) One time Marilyn wrote something that I just loved . . . and I was the only person who voted for it. This one gets the same visceral response from me. But this one WILL get votes. Count on it. MSS
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