This Poem was Submitted By: Michael Bird On Date: 2010-03-16 20:15:32 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Death is all around me Its everywhere I go Lurking in the shadows Encouraging me to slip across the line To the dark side Waiting to set me free So many people Grim reaper,please let them go Young,old,innocent,violent Sometimes such a waste   Death surrounds me on all sides No exit,no escape,darkness all  around No light to guide me Only shadows of darkness where I can hide Release your grip within thee So once more I can walk with pride That cold dark feeling won`t let go Makes me feel so lonely,makes me feel so mean Beckoning,pushing me towards that line  Of the dark side   Death is all around me,everywhere I go That cold dark feeling won`t let go   

Copyright © March 2010 Michael Bird

Additional Notes:
Death is sort of a "taboo" subject,I had to go there to see what I could write.....

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-03-31 18:26:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Michael, Death is death. Same as life is life. We all gotta do it. This feels like death almost stalks us. So many are dying/more than usual it seems. And that is true. The shadow government/world bankers are aiming for depopulation. That is why one needs to be careful what you breath, eat, think and do. [seriously] take in only good! If the world's energy turns wrong all will be pure evil. Pray and work toward love. It being our main weapon. The dark feeling of this poem never let up it challenged me to answer. That's pretty powerful. Good projection of perplexity. Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2010-03-30 16:21:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
What I like about this piece; it takes to transcribe the idioms of death, its character, its power, its residuals, into a deliberate personality. In that your piece does well. What I wish was a part of it; the personality of death in your soul, its affect, the carnal verses the eternal- eternal struggles and physical wars. An example: “No light to guide me, only shadows of darkness where I can hide”. This is all the observer, not the contributor. For example: “My skin burns with the cold of the dark. My eyes search and ache to excape the… 1st person affect, along with the 1st person observations. A nice piece. I enjoyed the read.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-03-17 22:42:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Michael, not sure why you call it a "taboo" subject, but going with that I've written several pieces after being forced to recognize death at a personal level with loosing too many family members in a short span of time. I see you're experimenting with the topic, and it's a good write, although I think it could be so much better. Something I've been trying to self-teach myself with writing is loosing the little words, that make the poem wordy. Such as - and these are only thoughts, Death is all around me - TAKE OUT THE "ALL" Its everywhere I go - OMIT "IT'S" Lurking in the shadows Encouraging me to slip across the line "ENCOURAGING A SLIDE" ACROSS THE LINE To the dark side Waiting to set me free - BREAK YOUR VERSE HERE So many people Grim reaper,please let them go Young,old,innocent,violent ADD THE "AND" BEFORE VIOLENT Sometimes such a waste - REWORK THIS LINE -IT PAUSES YOUR FLOW. Death surrounds me - END THE LINE HERE on all sides No exit,no escape,darkness all around No light to guide me Only shadows of darkness where I can hide - DARKNESS IS REPETITIVE HERE - CHOOSE ANOTHER WORD Release your grip within thee - I WOULD BREAK MY VERSE HERE. So once more I can walk with pride That cold dark feeling won`t let go Makes me feel so lonely,makes me feel so mean Beckoning,pushing me towards that line Of the dark side Death is all around me,everywhere I go That cold dark feeling won`t let go Your idea for the theme of the poem is good, but add some imagery as well - and I think you'll be surprised at how a few small changes would make this a standout read. blessings, Deni
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