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This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-10-04 01:36:35 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Futile State of Mind

With shaded masks in touring lanes they held clasped hands envied pain, for pain was simple under crescent moons theirs would never end for it loomed to doom. By the alley sat a creature in distress a twisted formation of pure unrest. In the dim of the night a painted Princess strolled cunning eyes with chains of gold. The dangling whispers kept the creature tranquilized in chaffing pose unable to step or feel a heartbeat glued and unable to move down the street. Mildew and must gusts of disgust a mortal vision had lost all trust. To pick or choose a handshake or a noose or find a word to set them loose.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2010-10-22 08:23:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
A halloween piece? There is definetly a twilight feel to this write. I can look into the deep recesses of the mind and believe there is a long analogy of the darkest thoughts- or I can believe that the creature and the pain or meant, face value, and this is a short, fantasy piece of the natural and supernatural- with a macabre sense of honor. Either way, it works. I am just not sure what my "state of mind" is on the loose. Maybe- it is a little of both.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2010-10-16 19:54:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Awe Deni, it appears you are ruminating in the cellar of darkness, finding the ever elusive serpent and all the fine trickery that is served up. Yes, deciet is a difficult thing to discern at time and does make us ask at some point--are the painted ladies the evil or is it the creature that seems ensnared. Much to take in in this unusual undertaking of yours. Your closing lines put this back in the hands of the reader, it is each individual's choice to decide what is what, very good. Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-10-16 11:38:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Deni, Very, very, very nice !! The imagery is consistently vivid and strong and strikes the reader with intensity. I'm unable to pick a favorite image and that's a good thing because it speaks well of the overall strength of this piece - I see gold in the darkness, mangled corpse, yet a shade of beauty...wonderful - it makes me think. The ending had that punch that a poem of this nature needs and I'm really happy to see you keeping 'economy' of language in mind :-). Great job and one of your best. Duane.

This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-10-10 15:56:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Deni, This is an accomplished poem. At first I thought it to be a free verse but when I read it the second time you do have some end rhymes. I hate to be so daft but am unsure what the poem means. You have a creature who sits in an alley and a Princess, which makes this a perfect poem for Halloween. Even though it is an enigma to me I can still appreciate and enjoy reading it. Best wishes, cheyenne

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