This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-10-09 17:17:47 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Serenity I think I’ll sit a spell
beside ivied walls
watch the sun
sink below earth’s
limpid rim
that leaves an amber
stain before night wraps the moon
and stars in ebony drapes
I could do better
with my time
but sitting by verdant ivy
suits me well
I can’t resist cascades
of twilight that dance
between vines like a song
weaving through
braids of rhyme
that knits the hem
of silent moments
sometimes I wish
the serenity of night
would last all day
and not wane at dawn
however, one must appreciate
what God does with His
moon and sun
Life’s sweetest breath
is drawn in simple things
like nature’s tapestry
that calls to me
on whispers of wind
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Copyright © October 2010 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-10-30 20:06:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Chey
I like how you've sustained the mood through this ... not as if you don't do that with your other poems ... I guess what I'm saying is not just that I like how you've sustained the mood, but also the choice of mood to sustain.
I actually feel refreshed as I read it.
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-10-23 15:43:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Cheyenne -
A very nice piece that appreiates the wonders of nature. I liked your mentioining 'twilight'. Ths time of day has magnetised me as well. I'm not sure of the second verse is required at all as verse 1 flows seamlessly into verse 3 (which was my favorite).
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2010-10-19 12:58:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I believe, this is probably my favorite poem of yours. Using the alternate meanings of some words works really well (particularly limpid).
Favorite is “verdant ivy†the two words work well.
Your writing in this piece fits the piece, like “weaving†a tale, but also allowing us to view the world from a differing aspect.
I have no criticism at all of this piece with one (consideration). Although I am no stranger to the application of a deity- given the audience cross section and probability, your “what God does with his†could be made more natural and accurate to a larger audience by using something describing the physics or natural interaction of the universe and its parts. I don’t find “God†disturbing, but that said it is the indentation and warping of space, from the mass of the Sun and Earth, that keep the earth and moon in orbit. This is all the ramifications of the natural existence within our universe, God notwithstanding.
As I said, I adored this poem. An extremely well written piece
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2010-10-14 19:29:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
A very nice poem, soft and delicate with all the delicious verbiage that makes this peacful and content just as your title depicts. Your lines are fresh and move your reader through your verse with ease. no nits or spags... Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-10-12 08:36:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Cheyenne, this is a good poem - selected use of words for imagery stand out, to picture this poem come alive.
It's a relaxing piece, and gives hope of quiet moments to enjoy simple pleasures in life, and tune out hectic moments in our days that we can not escape. There is only one thing in this I would reconsider, (and I'm not a pro, so this is just a suggestion) -
Last verse, last line -
on whispers of wind - We writers depend on lines like this, and I think if you changed it, the poem would stand out and be yours in complete - What else calls to you? If you tighten up the last verse, this would give the impact to define the theme of this gorgeous piece.
blessings,
Deni
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