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When last you’re not in thoughts of mine The world spins fast and glowing shines; How wonder is that flesh could softly flow From shoulder to shoulder beneath a heavenly glow Or face more straight with straight focused lines That Greeks ago would have gladly gone to war; Here I lie in distraught gloom that lastly won’t Have nor hold such prized treasures seen Half glimpsed or smirked at with idle brain awry Dreaming of your pleasures within me dies With the thought that I won’t end on you. Lust burns bright within me now, known to all I shall not hide these deep desirous calls To run wild upon the delights of your flesh Half hidden beneath your dress, my Temptress Let loose your wanton ways awhile and me Your tender virtues taste an hour or two entwined For last you’re not but first in thoughts of mine. Where at first I laid eyes on shoulders bare The world was spinning fast and all was late Lost in dusty science, a footnote’s care Did within your mind hold the greater weight Than this carefree joker’s lusting long stare To hold, caress, or kiss on silken mound Imprisoned by treasures my pleasure’s found Wanting, for your virtue is seldom broke By all that would or want; “She’s quiet spoke.” So bide I time with thoughts unclean – I dream Of touching soft shoulder’s milk white cream.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-03-02 19:50:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
David, This is an ambitious write of desire and passion, want and love. The play, the tug of war to fantasize, but not obsess over the object of your affection. You have penned some delightful images here, and for the most part it flows well. I would suggest shortening some of your lines, or lengthening others, to make the rhythm flow more smoothly. There's so many delicious phrases, I think you could really have an outstanding poem with a little bit more work on this. For example, L4 in verse 1, i stumble, as there seems to be a syllable or two too many. Perhaps try "From shoulder to shoulder 'neath heavenly glow." Just a thought. I got tripped up a few too many times in the first verse, don't know if it just needs punctuation (can't believe i said that...) The other two verses seem better, just a spot or two, that my tongue wants to trip on - Verse three all lines except the last have 10 syllables, the last has 9...in Verse two line 3 and and line 6 have 11 and 12 syllables while the other lines have 10....it seems to throw off the cadence. Just some thoughts. Mandie
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