This Poem was Submitted By: Michael Bird On Date: 2012-11-08 00:12:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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She was shaking

Music started playing She started shaking , clicking her fingers Moving round and round Music was so loud it blew out the stereo She was shaking , moving round and round Got nervous when she kicked off her shoes She was shaking with so many moves Clicking her fingers , moving round and round Got to moving so fast up and down Everyone watching her move round and round Clicking her fingers , moving her feet That girl she was shaking and looking so sweet Love that girl just can`t get enough That night was one hell of a show Clicking her fingers Moving round and round She was shaking

Copyright © November 2012 Michael Bird

Additional Notes:
one unforgetable night

This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2012-11-17 17:27:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Michael....this is such a musical poem that I found myself tappping my toe. I like the repeating line of round and round, somehow it adds more rhythm to the theme. You have chosen expressive words and the lines are well composed. You have good alliteration sprinkled here and there. Sounds like one unforgetable night! Well done. Best wishes, cheyenne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joe Gustin On Date: 2012-11-16 11:47:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Michael A very intresting work here. I am not sure how fingers click, I do know of snapping fingers. "(I),(We)or (She) Got nervous when she kicked off her shoes" ? When I read this piece the first time I was wondering where I was taking me. Your repeating of round and round has a hypnotic effect. Your poem reminds me an old song by Helen Ready. Angie Baby I could almost taste the wine. :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Armstrong On Date: 2012-11-16 02:51:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Love the repetitive nature... she was shaking... great imagery and very easy to follow. I There are some forced rhymes that I don't think this piece needs. "...shaking with so many moves" seems forced, but even a small change such as "she was shaking, so many moves" would change the perspective into the viewer's feeling of awe instead of just describing her action. similar with "shaking and looking so sweet". It would be less forced with a comma in the middle. Or just remove the rhyme and put another perspective into the poem. Also, as this piece is all about imagery of her shaking, round and round... try to use more adjectives when describing parts of the work. For example, "Music was so loud it blew out the stereo" is descriptive, but it could be done with more subtlety and a stereo "blowing out" has the connotation that the music stopped, whereas the poem is all about movement. This piece has some potential with a little work.
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