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Displaying Critiques 1 to 4 out of 4 Total Critiques.

Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by G. ArmstrongCritique Date
To Reach the ShoreThomas H. SmihulaWhoa! I was reading this and totally thinking about a ship in harbour looking for a lighthouse. Excellent ending. Forced me to re-read this several times! Rhymes don't seem forced. I love: "a flicker in the yonder room" and I'll admit that's what made me think lighthouse. I might consider changing "keeping one within..." to "keeps one within..." for flow And I might Change "The fog..." to "Thick fog" or just drop "The" as it seems unnecessary. You also may want to play around with the second line "Warmth is what the search is for". It's longer than it needs to be. You could reverse it like "A constant search for warmth" which would flow well with "a flicker in..." A couple of [common] grammatical errors in the last line, which should be: "has been 'too' much and takes 'its' toll" The last line could be more powerful if it was more terse, perhaps. Try dropping "To" or replace it with "And" Also, nitpicky I know, but an ellipsis only has three periods and at the end of a poem it's questionable whether it's really necessary. I know the thought is to add drama and suspense, but the ending of this poem uses the words to do that effectively. The ellipsis is overused in poetry (I'm also guilty of this) A lovely read!2012-11-16 03:58:12
Mysterious Rivercheyenne smythWow, this poem gave me chills. I really could visualize myself there. I love this: "It’s like train tracks that suggest passage or abandonment depending whether you stand or wade in" And this: "only the shallowest or the slowest will let the soles of your feet read them" Excellent imagery. I think you could play with "They 'tell' me to let go...". It would be more powerful if you used "They 'want' me to let go" It gives the water a more possessive nature and intimates a less direct form of communication. "Time is silent" is a bit of a cliché as a well. That could be replaced with some other description. If you really want to still include "time" in there then you can say something like "time is irrelevant". Otherwise, that's a great part to trim a bit of fat so you can really concentrate on the feelings themselves.2012-11-16 03:30:22
Structure lostThomas H. SmihulaNice. Seems to be a statement of the state of education, but it doesn't take the easy route of blaming the system, but includes "Family busy" as well. I like the theme and I like that the poem has a definite structure, despite being about the loss of it, or the lack of it. I feel it might stress the point there better if it said "Family busy, WON'T take the time..." or "...don't take the time". Especially if you're putting some spotlight on the family members who 'focus on their ego'. If you're trying to say that the family is so caught up in working to pay for food, so "unable" to take time, then it would seem the next line "focus upon their ego" would refer to the children... but it's not clear. The second stanza could be tightened up by removing "just". It's already implied and structure would fit better with the first line "Establishment caught in attendance" and "Administrators push the pencil". "bottom line" I assume you mean in a budgetary sense. In other words, they don't really care, they just want to reach their budget. It would be a bit more powerful if you put an action in there which you could visualize: Administrators push the pencil summing up the bottom line / drawing in the bottom line That's just a quick idea, but something that paints the picture of what the admins are doing in the reader's mind (if that's the meaning you want convey). The last stanza is your chance to hit hard the message you want to convey. You end "without learning the fundamentals" which conveys the message of the poem, but it's hard to say what those fundamentals really are because the other two stanzas have focused on the idea of neglect, that these children have no support system... but it seems to be left too far from the cliff to engage us to think more deeply about it. It's almost too vague a word. If you want to convey that they children can't function in the real world you could say: without learning how to live learning only how to survive One more nitpicky thing... if you're going to end a poem on an ellipsis, it should only be 3 dots. Also, be careful about ending on an ellipsis. In many cases, a period works much better!2012-11-16 03:19:53
She was shakingMichael BirdLove the repetitive nature... she was shaking... great imagery and very easy to follow. I There are some forced rhymes that I don't think this piece needs. "...shaking with so many moves" seems forced, but even a small change such as "she was shaking, so many moves" would change the perspective into the viewer's feeling of awe instead of just describing her action. similar with "shaking and looking so sweet". It would be less forced with a comma in the middle. Or just remove the rhyme and put another perspective into the poem. Also, as this piece is all about imagery of her shaking, round and round... try to use more adjectives when describing parts of the work. For example, "Music was so loud it blew out the stereo" is descriptive, but it could be done with more subtlety and a stereo "blowing out" has the connotation that the music stopped, whereas the poem is all about movement. This piece has some potential with a little work.2012-11-16 02:51:22
Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by G. ArmstrongCritique Date

Displaying Critiques 1 to 4 out of 4 Total Critiques.

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