This Poem was Submitted By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2003-11-20 19:51:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Winter Night (revised)

Frost-tipped windows; wind howling fiercely;  cuddled hearthside, scent of candles, background music softly plays, blending in unison with each tender touch. Entwined bodies together as one  soul.

Copyright © November 2003 Debbie L Fischer

Additional Notes:
Thanks to Turner and Jennifer with their help and suggestion for revision

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-12-07 17:28:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72727
Hi Debbie, I like the new version of Winter Night! The simplicity yet descriptive aspect of the poem fits perfectly in this wonderful “nonet” format. Your choice of words for the “Winter Night” is elegant and alluring. You combine and balance the coldness of the wind and the heat of passion into one…yes, in one “unison”. You have orchestrated it skillfully for our wonderful read! Enjoyable yet inspiring! Thanks for the share of your new talent Debbie! Keep on writing…you have a great potential in this style! Don’t give up trying out new things! :) As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2003-12-03 09:46:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91304
Debbie, how lovely this is! The diminishing line length leads the eye as well as the mind toward the entwined bodies, with that final word, "soul", suggesting their unity. The opening lines offer a sensory prickle of cold and wintry sound effects of wind. The second line includes tactile sensation of warmth, and then the olfactory delight of the candles. The music contrasts with the din outside, and since one can set a sensual mood with melody, it quite naturally sets up what follows. "Blending in unison/with each tender touch" connects the surrounding ambience with the couple in the room. I haven't seen the original but really like what you've done with this. It's a treat for the heart. Happy Holidays! Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-11-30 20:25:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44000
Hi Debbie, I did not read your first posting of this poem but I fell in love with this one. The imagery of a room warmed by a fire place while a storm is raging on the outside is amazing. The aroma of candles, soft music blending with the tender touches of two lovers is wonderful. "Entwined bodies, together as one soul" Such a lovely scene you paint with your words...I find myself wishing I could jump into your room and enjoy all the senses you have touched. Very good...enjoyed every word. Blessings....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-11-22 16:27:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Debbie, Glad to see the revision. It stands perfect now. I can see the changing of symphony to music which make the poem completely obeys the form of a nonet. It is also remarkable that you ended the first line with a semicolon, it is helpful because the second line brings another imagery apart from the first line. It's like the first line is observed outside and the second line is inside. The changing of music is more powerful than the symphony because it is more realistic because the scene is inside the home not in a certain theater or whatever. Just a thought. Alright, this poem now stands powerful with its nice visuals, making the readers see and feel the emotions. Thanks for revising, Debbie! Take care. Jordan.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-11-21 20:25:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Lovely poem Debbie, The gentle simplicity of this poem really works to set both mood and image easily in the reader's mind. The poem flows beautifully from start to finish as read aloud. The use of space is very good. As I looked at the poem I thought of the corner of a window curtain, parting to give us a glimpse into the poet's life and/or thoughts. The coming down to the one word also works to re-enforce the love you showed us. The contrast of the storm outside the house, and the warmth inside works well to give a gentle glow to the imagery also. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Rene
This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-11-21 04:38:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.29167
hi debbie, i can see youre a romantic person and so am i.i actually liked your poem but after read it,it made me think to myself "thats it?" coz i believe that there should be more, i.e., the poem should have been longer. (like) so: Entwined bodies together as one soul. ...and then what?...something like that, coz i liked the topic. take care. april
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-11-21 01:17:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.48148
Debbie--Actually, Jennifer spotted the small flaw in the "other"-wise perfect (original) nonet. Now, it is without flaw and/or peer! Keep writing and we'll do the easy part or reading and enjoying. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-11-20 22:41:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.58824
Dear Debbie, At first I didn't understand, because Your response to my critique didn't actually say anything. But now I see you were hard at work making this lovely nonet absolutely perfect. Line three, changed from "background symphony softly plays" to "background music softly plays" gives the line exactly seven syllables. And that my friend makes this a perfect syllable count of 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1. You have a sound structure and you kept the integrity of the piece intact. You kept the strong image of warmth from the fire side cuddling. I'd say this is truely a winner, Debbie. Congratulations on a job well done. Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-11-20 21:17:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60870
Frost-tipped windows; wind howling fiercely Cuddled hearthside, scent of candles, background symphony softly plays, blending in unison with each tender touch. Entwined bodies together as one soul My dear friend......the only change I see is the word symphony has been changed to music which does make for a nice read as well as the original version of the poem posted which you can see I gathered and brought forward so I could compare the memory is not that good these days and I wanted to be sure of it before commenting.....I still like the feel of the poem, the structure and your word brings a warm feeling to a night filled with chill due to Mother Nature's fury and warm within the arms of someone you love, how lovely....the mood has been set.....thanks again for posting my friend, you take good care and be safe......God Bless, Claire
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