This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-11-23 03:02:59 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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japanese verse 31 (Twilight)

After the great torch Banished its scandalous flame The sun shies away      

Copyright © November 2003 Erzahl Leo M. Espino

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2003-12-05 12:52:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94286
Hi Erzahl, This is a fresh and effective haiku treatment of the coming of evening, as sunset flares against the western horizon. The "great torch" and "scandalous flame" link two fire images. "Shies away" so aptly describe the sun's sinking below the line of sight. It also adds an incongruous touch of meekness to this great star and "scandalous" adds a human element, reminiscent of passion. Nice use of s/h/f consonants is a pleasantly soft element as befits the twilight hour. The assonant "a" in banished/scandalous is also most harmonious. Your haiku are fine pieces and will make a great collection, which I hope you're assembling. My Best, Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-12-02 18:31:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Erzahl, I love the last line but have a little difficulty with this poem as I think of the sun in the first line when you mention the great torch and then have trouble following the rest of the poem. That may just be me. I do love the last line it is great. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sean Donaghy On Date: 2003-12-02 15:25:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.96552
Erzahl, you paint lovely pictures with your haiku. I can see the brilliance of the sunset in your poem. I do understand your effort, I think...Two complete thoughts: Twilight is the time... "After the great torch/Banished its scandalous flame" Twilight is the time... "The sun shies away" Did I get it right this time? Thanks for the read Sean
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-11-30 20:15:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44000
Hi Erzahl, This, of course, is another great haiku but since I am such a novice you won't mind if I ask a question in order to understand a little better (grin) After the great torch.....I assume this is the sun banished it's scandalous flame......does this mean the sun exiled or expelled the light? Or put it out? the sun shies away.......the sun is now leary of returning? I think I am confusing my self!!! I am totally enamored with your use of 'great torch' and also 'scandalous flame' both lines are certainly inspirational. Please set me straight on this one as I am afraid I am missing the point and I don't want to do that. I have written a haiku but am hessitant to post it....would you allow me to e-mail it to you? I would be pleased if you would help me with it. I will wait to hear from you....thanks for letting all of us on TPL enjoy your talent. Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-11-23 16:19:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69565
Dear Ezrahl, Twilight is one of my most treasured times. To me,it has great significance. Our creator gave us a time for everything. A time to live, die, work, rest.... Twilight is a time of reflection for me. I reflect on the outcome of the day. Was it worthwhile? Did I accomplish what I needed to? Also there is much beauty in the sky at twilight, while the sun is still reflecting on the earths atmosphere. It is a time when I feel near to our creator because ultimately He said "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from night." He made the greater light to govern the day, and the lesser light to govern the night. Anyone who has been out in the intense light and heat of the sun on a hot summer day can relate to your desciption of the sun as "the great torch". And twilight as the time when the sun pulls it's glaringly vivid light away from our side of the earth or as you say "Banished its scandalous flame". Also anyone who has watched the sunset can attest to the fact that you can watch it slowly move, "shying away". Thanks for the excuse to reflect on twilight and your beautiful Hauiku, Ezrahl. It's been a pleasure. Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2003-11-23 12:33:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Erzahl, Brilliant image of a sunset. I love your choice of words to portray what I automatically think of as a southern sunset. I agree with the "scandalous flame" descriptor, we shy away from IT, closed in with our A/C's and books of poetry. Your skill with this form of poetry has evolved right here on TPL. You have mastered it beautifully and never are we disappointed in your exquisite submissions. This ranks with the best and I am happy to know you. You put your spirit out there to share, and what a spirit it is, notably alive this lovely piece. A marvelous line, "The sun shies away." Good luck this month. Best always, Wanda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-11-23 10:42:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.53333
Erzahl--Once again you've gone to your "well" of Haiku and pulled out a gem. Of course, full techs met (5-7-5 syllables three lines). But beyond that, this poem incorporates the assonance of "a" sound for internal rhymes Banished/scandalous/Flame in the seven syllable line, producing a short rising rhythm. Conversely, in the 3rd line, the alliteration/consonants of "sun shies" caused a lowing of rhythm (nice turn/twist between these two lines-great effect). The descriptors; great torch, scandalous flame, and sun shies away made me melancholy: It reminded of th dropping of the Atom bomb in 1945 (January is the anniversary). I am sorry if I overstated your effort. Thanks for sharing such a sharp contrasting image with us at TPL. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-11-23 06:43:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.53846
Good morning my find yet another of your luscious pieces which indeed are, as always, true to form, 5-7-5 , the words choosen to describe such a twilight are can see the big ball of fire in the sky as one travels down the road or better yet watches from their home nestled within the woods as the ball of fire begins its descent into the place where no one ever travels until it fades away into the sunset of life as we know it today......there have been many such wonderful views of especially hot summer days but to find one at this time of the year, with the flare of your pen, reaches deep within my hert. Thank you for posting and sharing this with us. Be safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-11-23 03:53:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.68421
Erzahl, Once again, you manage to have a masterful piece! You are very very artistic in this form. This is not a pun, I have read and critiqued most of your crafts and they are outstanding. No wonder you excelled high on the winner's list. This one is a great great haiku! The concept of the sun and the twighlight is very new to me. I mean your wordings are exquisite. I don't know how you came up with these lines. The metaphor of the sun as the great torch is unique and new to me. I never think of that before. The flame of the sun being described as scandalous is interestingly new. I have to agree with this description because when you say scandalous it is usually associated with something that is....I can't explain it! Hehe! And the third line aptly follows the adjective scandalous. In the real sense, if one does a scandalous act especially unknowingly, he has to be ashamed of it. The sun shies fabulous! I really like this, Erzahl. It is something to be given a standing ovation. More of it, pls! Jordan.
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