This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-12-01 19:54:21 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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japanese verse 33 (Snow Capes)
Marshmallow pillows
Descended from its haven
Nestling on soft ground
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Copyright © December 2003 Erzahl Leo M. Espino
Additional Notes:
"marshmallow pillows" - clouds; sorry for spoiling the metaphor, I just feel I needed to clarify this. :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2004-01-01 11:25:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Erzahl,
If you're a kid riding a long distance in the middle seat of the vehicle, you tend to drift
out the windshield and into those marshmallow clouds. Watching clouds until they turned into
something or someone, imagination goes wild. I kept myself quiet like that for long rides.
I had to sit up front, otherwise, my brothers heckled me to death. Are you a brother? Mine
were wonderful.
Don't you wonder why "they" spelled marshmallow with an a instead of mellow. Mellow seems so
much more what we are trying to say, but guess Webster knows best.
All that to say, your analogy of a snow cape is both interesting and appropriate. I can
see this poem.
As always you have recharged my love of Haiku. I have always enjoyed reading this form of
poetry, but when you began your parade of 17 sylable wonders, my interest became much keener.
I admire greatly the skill it takes to write such succinct pieces and still make it a visual
for others to take with them.
Good luck this month and always.
Have a very happy and wonderful New Year.
Wanda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-12-23 16:31:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667
Dear Erzahl,
I keep rolling that phrase "Marshmallow Pillows" around in my mouth, saying it over and over.
It makes my tounge happy and sounds wonderfully dreamy. The imagry of the phrase is strong.
I can picture the mountains with big bulging white clouds drooping down on them.
My daughter used to have a down-filled coat we called her marshmallow coat because it was so puffy.
I picture the mountains with their white cape pulled around their shoulders, hovering under it.
What a lovely vision.
This is such a great winter time Haiku. I wish we had some snow capes hanging around here,
so we could have a white Christmas, but unfortunately it's going to be a cold Christmas without
benefit of snow capes to insulate us.
The good news is it might be clear enough to see the stars.
Thank you for the joy of reading this exquisite piece.
Have a wonderful Christmas filled with visions of sugarplums.
Blessings,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-12-18 06:02:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54545
leo, this is such a good poem. its cute and delicious!im not a big fan of haiku but this one is worth reading over and over. thanks for sharing it.april
This Poem was Critiqued By: Leo Wilder On Date: 2003-12-17 10:20:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Never clarify in notes afterward. Interesting enough as it is.
Leo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2003-12-12 15:05:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Erzahl:
I rarely critique a Japanese verse or haiku as the form defies my ability
to compose or unravel. I usually meld with a poem, try to inhale it, creep
deep inside and haiku gives such sparse language with which to work.
I've long been an admirer of any poet who can pen these poems but I'm so
verbose and succinct rhymes always leave me wanting more.
Of course, that's the hallmark of a masterful poem, that the reader wants
more of same, but I guess I am recalcitrant to display my ignorance.
I find "Snow Capes" a treasured title because I would anticipate snow
"scapes" or snow "caps." However, capes cover us, shelter us, much as a
blanket does. Ergo, "capes" is very unique, original and pleasing to this
reader.
"Marshmallow pillows" is a wondrous metaphor and has such euphony in a mere
two words. I am a "sound" person so I find the first line lilting and lyrical
as a song. The use of the letter L in line 3 enhances the L's in line 1 and
the word "nestling" is superb for it suggests not only covering the ground
but doing so snugly or comfortably.
You adroitly limn a glorious image for me: a combination of clouds and snow
creating a fluffy, feathery, soft mantle for the earth. In lieu of feeling
cold and colorless, it feels warm and cozy.
The second line fascinates me as again, I would expect clouds descending from
"heaven" but you have made it "haven" which enhances once more the notion of
coziness, a nest of cloud/snow cover.
The long O in snow/mallow/pillow is a symphony as is the long A in capes/haven
and the assonance in descend/haven adds to the medley of sound.
Erzahl, you make it look so easy and I'm well aware of the complexity of the
process and that you have that rare master's touch. Congratulations on the
accomplishment of this poem...my favorite of all. (I read everything even
though I don't comment).
Standing ovation!
Best wishes,
Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-12-10 19:31:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
--- I get the metaphor and also the cleverness of the
title -caps/capes but we have a wee agreement problem
Marshmallow pillows [plural}
Descended from its [singular]haven
Nestling on soft ground
This is perfect haiku in every other way Erzhal - it simply decribes and
we draw our own beautiful pictures - and the season is clear. hank you
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-12-09 17:32:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Erzahl,
You would not have needed to explain "marshmallow pillows" as I
knew the moment I read it that you were talking about fluffly, white,
soft, billowy, clouds! As usual this is another landmark haiku...you
are so good at this have you ever entered any of your writings in a
contest outside of TPL? "descended from it's haven"...poor little
clouds..I can see them beginning to fray as they float down..but then!
"nestling on soft ground"...so lovely, our little clouds did not fray
after all and are nestled (wonderful) on soft ground where they can
maintain their beauty. As a reader I know that clouds cannot stay
inflated and billowy for very long but I am just enough of a
romantic that I prefer to think of them just as you have written for us
to enjoy. By the way I e-mailed you a haiku that I am working on but
haven't heard back and now I fear you never received it!
Blessings of peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-07 11:00:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
nice term....marshmallow pillows my friend.......certainly true to form, your words bring forth the storm from the northeast which we had last night in New England......the winds howling at over sixty five miles per hour, the snow falling from the gray sky over head, the dancing of the birds from limb to limb in search of their hiding spot for the day and the poor cat, Snowball , being pure white with one blue and one yellow eye......begging to be let in.......the dogs are nestled within each of their houses and still the snow flies.....
love the images your piece brings forth......adding that to the snow on the ground, well I would venture to say......enough for one day and carry on........
As you already pointed out marshmallow pillows is a wonderful metaphor for the snow clouds overhead........it is amazing how snow clouds come in different colors though.....we have the white fluffy kind which means a nice dusting perhaps, the dark gray that you know the shoverl best be ready for and the hit and miss kind that justfloat by during the day yet nestle in for evening fun........all in all winter can be fun. for those that enjoy skeiing I am sure the slopes are ready today for a ride down....grandson like sto snowboard and he is off to the mountain himself......thanks for posting my friend, for sharing your creative love of nature....be safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-12-03 16:56:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Erzahl--I see you are at it again! Another great haiku depicting a beautiful natural image and theme.
As always the techs are without flaw (5, 7, 5 syllables contained in three lines).
I can see in my mind's eye the fluffy like snow flakes slowly falling from the "marshmallow pillows"
and after their journey, resting softly onto the ground as to form "Snow Capes" (around the shoulders
of the earth).
The imagery created by these three lines are indeed a simple yet magnificent peaceful and serene
scene. Thanks, for providing such a "picture" for us at TPL to share.
P.S. Thanks for the Japanese Verse lesson (see remarks from my critique on Verse #32)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-12-02 13:40:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Erzahl,
I'm in my work while critiquing your poem and it is 2:27 AM.
I am already saturated with talking here so I decided to critique
and thanks to your poem that somehow eased out the burden of work!
Another standing ovation for this japanese verse, highly crafted as usual!
This gives me a splendid imagery that I can savor to the max feeling the
softest thing in this world.
To this reader, you are not spoiling the metaphor by stating it in your
additional notes. I even thank you because honestly I wouldn't have known
that marshmallow pillows is the same as clouds. This is terrific! I'm savoring
the 'm' and 'w' sound while feeling the soft pillow but I could not lie down
here in my work station! SMILE!
Alright, as usual all the words are essential and you have made a perfect choice
of descriptors. The visual is great that the readers can vividly see the picture.
This is simply loved! Congratulation in advance for the November contest.
I have caste my first vote already, and of course, you know na! SMILE!
Best,
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-12-01 21:51:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Erzahl,
Another beautiful word picture! I am beginning to be a fan of haiku.
Sherri
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