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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-12-08 21:09:12 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Awaken

I walked in shadows of coolness hued flowers caressed my feet. Timid wind played harp strings, strumming a soft sigh. I stepped upon a bridge that spanned opal waters and saw him walking toward me, an old friend, smiling, beckoning, "Come with me" he said holding out his thin pale hand. I touched his fingers with mine, a cold chill splintered my spine. The gardens blush waned to gray, my delight gave into panic. Deep in hollows of consciousness came a voice that bellowed "You died years ago." A death march drummed inside my head, acid churned beneath my chest, flaming darts of fear stabbed my soul. My eyes lids fluttered as my being sturggled to awaken was it a nightmare or a premonition?

Additional Notes:
I had this dream just prior to being told I had a fatal disease and only had a short time to live. That was over 30 years ago.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-01-06 10:11:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.36364
I don;'t know if it was a nightmare or a premonition but it makes a great poem I walked in shadows of coolness[. Many hued] flowers caressed my feet. Timid wind [lovely adj]played harp strings, strumming a soft sigh. I stepped upon a bridge that spanned opal waters and saw him walking toward me, an old friend, smiling, beckoning, "Come with me" he said holding out his thin pale hand. [I got a chill reading thiss] I touched his fingers [-with mine,] a cold chill splintered my spine.[WOW Dramatic] The gardens blush waned to gray,[another lovely transition] my delight gave into panic. Deep in hollows of consciousness came a voice that bellowed "You died years ago." A death march drummed inside my head, acid churned beneath my chest, flaming darts of fear stabbed my soul. My eyes lids fluttered as my being [struggled] to awaken was it a nightmare or a premonition? Reallly fine images in a fine narrative piece that takes us into dark passages and out again.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2003-12-28 16:09:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn: I found this at the botton of my list which must mean you have received many crits. I do not think you will be happy with what I say, but you well know I am totally honest. To me, the title should be "Awakening" in lieu of the verb. (Titles cannot be plagarized so there's no problem in using my word). The second aspect that strikes me is your format or lack of same. This is written in paragraph form, free verse with many rhymes, etc. For example: "I walked in shadows of coolness; hued flowers caressed my feet. Timid wind played harp strings, strumming a soft sigh. I stepped upon a bridge that spanned opal waters....." For me, my format makes the poem more accessible for the reader and you can change lengths of lines, numbers of stnzas, etc. You have penned some of your most exquisite imagery which gets lost in the prose-like form. "Hued flowrs caressed my feet" and "timid wind played harp strings, strumming a soft sigh." "Opal waters" is beautiful and "timid wind" is unforgetable. I wish I had penned "splintered my spine" and "The garden's blush waned to gray" and "flaming darts of fear stabbed my soul." Your metaphors are quite well delivered, your rhymes and assonance make the piece harmonious, and you cast an eerie spell when you meet the man on the bridge. I might change: "The garden's blush waned to gray, my delight (gave way) to panic." When the ominous voice bellows at you, the tension and fear are palpable...so you succeeded here. "My eye lids fluttered as my being struggled to awaken. Was it a nightmare or a premonition?" The hynopompic state often delivers a lack of clarity since you are not totally awake, but I don't care for the query in the last line. It could hardly be a premonition since it occurred thirty years ago but you tell this in additional notes. You can express the same thought but not in question form: "I wondered if this had been a nightmare or a premonition." The poetry experts who sit in their ivory towers write books on what makes good poetry and one of their aphorisms is to never end a poem with a question and if a query is posed at the start of a poem, the answer better be found in the denouement. The irony of having a dream like this one in view of your doctor's verdict and proving him wrong is obvious. I suggest you re-format the poem and look at possibilities for a better ending. The piece is filled with jewels of imagery and expression which are unique and evocative. There is too much great stuff here to chuck it but why not noodle with it a while? (I started "Stoop" six months ago and refused to give up on it, the most difficult poem I ever wrote). I trust you know I am trying to assist you with a poem of grand potential. I will wait to see the revised version many moons from now. You are gracious and talented and I enjoyed your poem very much. My best always, Mell

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-12-24 10:05:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94118
Dear Marilyn, I just lost my critique, so I will start over again. What a scary dream that must have been for you. Even scarier would be the nightmare of what you must have gone through when you were told you only had a short time to live. I would like to hear your story sometime. You strike me as a women with much faith. I believe God tests our faith by the trials he gives us. Your title,"Awaken" has a theme that is echoed throughout the poem, tying it together and and adding dimension. Using this question at the end makes this an incredably thought provoking piece and continues your theme through the end. There is a surreal flavor flowing through the poem that is quite lovely. For what it's worth,I think the opening line would be a bit smoother if it read like this: "I walked in shadows [as] coolness hued flowers caressed my feet." I love t tihe phrase "coolness hued flowers caressed my feet". There is a nice alit (coolness/carressed) and the phrase gives it a floaty feel, adding to the sureal effect. To further add to the surealness, your next exquisite line, "Timid wind played harp strings, strumming a soft sigh." pushes this over the top. Timid/wind adds wonderful assonance, and the strings/strumming/soft/sigh alits have a whispery quality. The bridge that signifies the door to the spirit world ( more surealness) draws the reader further in to the dream. "Opal waters" is a pleasant description that tweaks our minds. You very effectively build up the dream with flutteryness(is that a word?lol) so we are floating through this dream with you and then BOOM! The cold/chill splintered/spine (more wonderful alliteration) comes crashing down on us like an electric shock! The effect is stunning. From there it is no longer a pleasant dream, but a nightmare where the reality of death separates us from the world we have come to know. " The gardens blush waned to gray, my delight gave into panic" -----this has a gut wrenching effect. I can identify with the feeling, because as a child, I used to have these nice floaty dreams where everything was all wonderful and then I would be at school taking my coat off and have no clothes on. The anxiety my dream caused me at the age of 7 years was tremendous when I woke up in a cold sweat. Now, I think it's funny, but I sure didn't then. There is even more alliteration and assonance running through this piece that adds much and makes it flow really nicely. There is a typo of [sturggled] in line 14, which I assume you meant [struggled]. You've written a strikingly phantasmagoric (haha Mell) poem that shows off your versitility. (I just realized I spelled surreal wrong too many times to go back and change, so sorry) Thanks for sharing this, Marilyn. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-12-19 03:06:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.37500
marilyn, despite the lines that have something to do with death and the"cold chill splintered my spine..." and the eerie-ness, the "shadows of coolness," i still believe that this is a very romantic poem.i dont but im really drawn to poem written like this.you did a great job. i hope to read more of this kind in the future.thanks for posting it. take care.april

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-12-12 08:20:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
Dear Marilyn, I don't believe in things that just "happen". I do believe that sometimes dreams can bring us warning and understanding of things that are past. I am glad to see that you diagnosis was incorrect and you are still here with us. I had a dream once that foretold of loss of my husband not long after that, we had a terrible storm, my husband was out fixing siding when a major elect wire came down right across the ladder he had just climbed down from. He is now my ex but do still remember that incident vividly. Thanks for sharing your experience. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2003-12-09 18:58:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Thank God the doctors were wrong! I think the ending needs some work: I don't like this one (some can) ending with a question. It feels like a cop-out. I would work to leave the question in the mind of the reader, without making it seem like it's still a question to you. Interesting story. Well written Stay with it, Mar - Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-12-09 16:19:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn, I could relate your experience with this one because I also had nightmares before that created a trauma in my mind but it did not happen in real life and I did not consider it as a premonition. I am not a believer of premonition. I considered it as a coincidence but some do. Well, if one believes it, it has a good thing to serve because it somehow make the person aware and be cautious in all he's gonna do. In this poem, you are very descriptive in your words. Your adjectives and descriptors are highlighting the suspense and thrill. I can feel goosebumps when you mentioned that you touched the fingers of that friend of yours that suddenly a cold chill splintered your spine! Nice matching with splintered/spine. Your first input is so thrilling and if one would closely place his self on the situation, his hairs on skin would stand with the goosebumps. This is an awakening entrance. But the scene is sweet and alluring in the first three lines. The gardens [garden's?] blush waned to gray, my delight gave into panic. I can feel what you felt during those times. Your words make the suspense. And I think even you wrote this I could say that you still have the trace of nervousness so that because you have mispelled one word: My eyes lids ["eyes' lids" or merely "eye lids", I think!] fluttered as my being sturggled [struggled] to awaken Just a little thing to consider. Are you still feeling it this time? SMILE! Thanks for sharing this with us, Marilyn. We hope that that the trauma of disease you experienced was already buried and would return no more. God bless and be safe. Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-12-09 11:51:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn--Just a great read! The nice, soothing, calming descriptors (...coolness, ...flowers, caressed..., timid..., ...harp..., ...friend, smiling) and consonants/allierations (strings strumming a soft sigh) employed for the first half of your free verse completely lulled me into a different mindset: I had no idea it was a dream due to my not reading your notes. The (fantastic) turn or twist happened for me right at "...beckoning" and "come with me." I started feeling uneasy for real after alliterations/...cold chill splintered my spine. The last half of the piece was filled with the opposite type descriptors, i.e.,...gray, ...panic, ...death, acid churned.., flaming darts.., fear stabbed my soul (magnificient). Great ebb and flow rhythm with metaphors, assonance/consonants coming at super intervals. Enjambments allows run-ons for better emphasis and breathlessness. The ending was superbly done (even with the one little spelling hiccup-struggled)! I share your mixed emotions about the piece: it could very easily be both, a premonition or nightmare (or something in between--whatever that means) Judging from your notes, the jury may still be out-smile. Thanks for sharing such a "mind" tingling effort with your fans at TPL. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-09 09:05:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Wow.....I love this.......structured to hold ones attention and in the end craving more.....nicely done my friend......and to think you were told over thirty years ago you had a fatal disease and such a short time to live.....the spirit of the mind is a wonderful thing indeed, the spirit of your soul will keep you whole......perhaps it might have been a preminition way back then my friend and though you did not share if you knew this person reaching out for you though I assume since it brought pleasure at first you indeed know him.......and the coldness of death as he touched your hand and the warmth of your heart as you pulled back.....oh this is superb.......death is not cold and frightening but warm and inviting....like the joining of two souls that have been apart for centuries and the best is the Lord is there to hold your hand....warm, loving, inviting, nothing fearful just peace, love and joy in His light..... Thanks for posting and sharing this with us......looking forward to perhaps a sequel as to how your journey outlived your disease. Be safe my friend, enjoy the preparation of the upcoming holiday. God Bless, Claire

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