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This Poem was Submitted By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-12-12 04:24:47 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Poetry (in the Tradition of Science)

Dewdrops condense to form transparent liquid, mothballs in my closet vanish without a word. Chemistry explains condensation and sublimation. Moon looms from glowing seat to shine over the shore at eventide. Planets revolve around Phoebus Apollo as they rotate about their axes. Light dances over Einstein's mind... Ah, what Physics! Father's sperm cell converses with mother's egg cell. Now I breathe and verse.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-01-07 23:25:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jordan, I haven't had time to critique much at all and it's the end of the month but ... wow, what a great read this is. Fresh, original, and focused around a very effective metaphor. I think this could be submitted somewhere, maybe to a scientific journal or website ... possibly the one where Joanne's poetry has been accepted (?). This one begins with a fairly prosaic depiction of condensationa and mothballs and then, by way of excellent contrast, expands until it glows. The leap from the whirling planets and dancing light to the poet's own conception is brilliantly done. I think this is my all-time favorite of your poems. The free-verse style really suits you. "Converses" and "verse" make a most happy combination to end the creative process. MUCH enjoyed! I mean that; this is a treat. Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: C Arrownut On Date: 2004-01-02 16:41:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jordan, excellent poem. I think I understood most of it, except the planets revolving around Phoebus Appollo. Now he was the god of creativity, you might say. I believe he played the lair, tho not quite sure. Do you know that all of the Apollo temples in Greece and what is now Turkey are located above faults. The one at Adelphi is located over the intersection of 3 faults. Amazing considering how little of science the ancients knew. I especially enjoyed the ending, which connected science (biology) with life and your very existence. Also, the interplay between science (or the natural) and the arts is very insightful. At the end, it's as if you bring together the entire universe into a unified whole. Absolutely fantastic. This one has my vote. Keep up the good work and Happy New Year, C. Arrownut

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-12-26 16:01:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jordan: I couldn't pass this by! Anything with the word "science" in the title, along with "poetry" is sure to catch my attention! Here are my favorite excerpts" "mothballs in my closet vanish without a word" What scintillating imagery! I will respect them more following this, as they change form, becoming 'invisible' and yet - they leave their scent as a reminder of their favors to us. Moon looms from glowing --Mmmm! "Moon looms" is a gorgeous phrase. seat to shine over the shore at eventide. As well, the soft sounds of 'sh' in "shine/shore" are truly a treat. Planets revolve around Phoebus Apollo as they rotate about their axes. ('he', 'his') Here you refer to the Sun god, as well as being the god of prophesy, poetry, music and healing. I think this title should be considered as singular, as Apollo is also known as "Phoebus Apollo" and this is one being. Light dances over Einstein's mind... Ah, what Physics! Ah, what poetry! I love it!! Father's sperm cell converses with mother's egg cell. Now I breathe and verse. Again, very droll writing - for example in "converses/verse" - what a sumptuous concoction you have made for our delectation, once more. Applause!! All my best, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-12-20 19:05:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54545
Great imagery Jordan! The flow of this poem is very smooth to the mind and mostly so to the tongue. I enjoyed the way that science and emotions seemed to flow as one. The third stanza gives the reader a sense of being let in on a wonderful secret by a personal friend. This stanza also tells us much about the poet. The last 2 stanzas are wonderful. I really enjoyed this poem. Thank you for this gift! Rene Fraley

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-12-19 13:59:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Jordan, That is truly amazing. Science is poetry in motion isn't it? And this poem is a nice tribute to that fact. I especially see chemistry in poetry when I look at the power weilded with pure potent condensed words as opposed to watered down wordy versions of the poems I write. I find there is much more of a reaction to the strong less wordy versions just like in chemistry, right? *smile* Condensation and sumblimation indeed. Nice soft rhyme. I really like this poem, Jordan. It does speak to me. You mix assonance like components of a chemistry experiment with moon/loom and Einsteins mind and it causes little explosions in my brain. *smile* The Allit of shine/shore adds to this piece as well. Imagry is sprinkled through this piece very effectively, in the first stanza with the moth balls and dewdrops, in the second stanza with the moon, in the third stanza you dazzle with light dancing over Einstiens mind, and even in the last stanza with the egg and sperm cell there is imagry working its poetic chemistry. Superb ending with "Now I breathe and verse." It doesn't get better than this. Thanks for an mind inspiring poem, Jordan. Blessings to you, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-17 08:17:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Interesting, brought forth a smile to my heart as you compare love to scientific things and greatly done as that. Good structure, nice word flow, reader is able to follow, see, feel and enjoy what you have set forth. Thanks for posting, sharing this with us.....especially enjoyed the closing stanza....Father's sperm cell converses with mother's egg cell.....Now I breathe and verse......superbly done. God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Drenda D. Cooper On Date: 2003-12-13 18:58:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jordan, Amazing is the effect of such a juxtaposition of two such subjects as chemistry (condensation and sublimation) and astonomy (moon and planets) so close together as verse 1 and verse 2 of this poem.......AND have it work so well...I find the interplay of these things just wonderful the way they are presented here..One thing just flows into another effortlessly.....Even the insertion of Physics was grand with the phrase "Light dances over Einstein's mind"...then to flow again effortlessly into the Biology of your most basic origin..sperm and egg from which we all emerge...ending with the YOU the poet -living, breathing, and versing poetry. You certainly were true to your title "Poetry (In the Tradition OF Science)" as you hit the basics (CHEMISTRY. ASTRONOMY--including the precision of MATHEMATICS with the precision of orbiting heavenly bodies, PHYSICS--BIOLOGY) and in such a poetic manner...It takes true talent to conceptualize SCIENCES in such a short space and do it so successfully..Congrats on a really fine poem...Of course, I enjoyed it for it was right up my alley (figure of speech)........................Keep them coming!!!!!........drenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-12-12 11:29:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Jordan--Great idea! I really enjoyed the science lessons-smile. Good teaching ploy: going from the simple (condensation) to the more complex (human reproduction). Nice descriptors/ metaphors used to present pleasant images of the theme. Assonance of "oo/o" sounds in stanza #2 (especially 'moon looms from glowing...to shine over the shore at eventide') produces a nice musical tone. A superb ending, even if, simply stated (you "verse" quite well-in my humble opinion-smile). I might have one "small" suggestion for your line breaks which read just a tad bit different from having words together which belong together (unless you broke the lines this way for an entirely different ebb and flow--your perogative of course): ...to form transparent liquid. Moon looms from glowing seat... ...to shine over... the shore at eventide. ...around Phoebus Appollo... ...as they rotate about their axes. ...over Einstein's mind... ...converses... ...with mother's egg cell. NOTE: I apologize if I understated your work. Thanks for sharing one of the best efforts with TPLers this month. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2003-12-12 08:20:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Outstanding. Box it up and put it under someone's tree. T.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-12-12 08:09:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
Jordan, What a unique scientific verse! I don't understand all the wonders of nature and how the world revolves, but I am glad that it does and know that it is in God's hands. I especially like your last stanza and we here at TPL are very glad that your Dad's sperm and your Mother's egg cell hooked up! Enjoying your critiques and your poetry here. By the way, where are you from? Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-12-12 04:43:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
dear jordan, great poem! i loved reading the "connection" of poetry to science.although the topic is scientific, you have retained the romantic mode of the whole thing, having carefully chosen your words like: Poetry...in the Tradition of... Dewdrops... vanish without a word. Moon looms ... to shine over the shore at eventide... Phoebus Apollo... Light dances... Now I breathe and verse. this is great material. thanks for sharing it with us. april

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