This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-01-06 19:52:05 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Love Me This Way

Take this heart - share my life soul to soul Be the best part of my world without taking control Let our lives intertwine -But each spirit remain free Domination only leads  to anomosity Respect this love with who we are everyday Don't let other things get in the way Love is never the same - For anyone on Earth, Each heart feels different starting at birth Take this heart - share my life,  Be my everlasting friend -  two of us complete as one till the very end. Let our trust in each other -with happiness as our guide Lead us through lifes loving journey as we stay side by side.

Copyright © January 2004 DeniMari Z.

Additional Notes:
I've been away from the site for awhile now - this was written a few years ago and needs a lot of work. Critique away!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-02-05 14:09:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.42857
Dear Poet I like the whole premise of this is straightforward and it is completely honest. I like honest poems right from the heart. My only suggestion would be to take some of the longer lines and try to condense them and in some to try seperating the lines into tercets a little differently. For instance: Take this heart - share my life, Be my everlasting friend - two of us complete as one till the very end. Suggestion: Take this heart - share my life Be my everlasting friend Two as one till the very end You asked for suggestions and those are just one poets take on a poem that I enjoyed very much. Mostly due to the total honesty that is portrayed here. Thanks for sharing. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2004-02-02 18:50:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60714
Deni, This seems like the perfect love/friendship. The opening is wonderful, two souls sharing without taking control.The 2nd verse is also great but I think you could tighten in a bit just by eliminating"But". #rd verse..Again I think it could be tightened a bit. Respect this love everyday Don't let other things get in the way Love is never the same - For anyone on Earth, Each heart feels different starting (Beginning in place of starting may keep the flow going) at birth Again I enjoyed the thoughts shared and you have created the perfect scenario between two..simply offering a few thoughts.:) Deb:)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-01-29 19:31:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.22857
Hi Dear Poet; This love that you describe sounds perfect. One might want to use this wonderful dream as mutual wedding vows whereby the couple read alternate lines. I think that the 3 line stanzas are perfect for this makes it flow very well and allows you to chance the theme of each stanza without missing a beat. The first two stanzas talk about the independence needed and from my read, that seems like the real message. Of course, the other topics, friendship, respect, differing hearts and ongoing happiness are as equally important, but the way the poem starts I read some fear on the writers part of being controlled....damn I loved my psych courses many years hope I am right. I loved "take this heart - share my life"...very romantic and offsets the demands for respect, freedom of spirit etc. I can't give you any suggestions for improvement. You won my heart. Mick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-21 15:17:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.90476
I like this poem, and also appreciate the timeliness of the poem to my personal life. My wife and I are in counseling as a new couple, and though we love each other, we have to work to get our previous lives in sync so we don't step on what we are trying to create as a couple. This is a harder thing than was previously clear to me. What the counselor said about what we should do sounds a fair amount like this poem. I don't believe in coincidences, and reading this has been a nice thing to see at this time. So mainly thanks for that. I have no real criticism of the poem itself, it's wonderful, more proselike than many poems, but direct and simple. Well done. Thanks, REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erica L. Badger On Date: 2004-01-16 13:06:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
I think this is great. Wonderful expresion of exactly how love should be. Both working together as one and not one keeping the relationship together. I like the set up of the stanzas, the first line being the longest, the second being shorter and the last being the shortest. But the fourth stanza I think would sound better if starting was at the beginning of the 3rd line. And the fifth stanza is a little off in meter. Maybe you could try this: Take this heart-share my life, my everlasting friend Two of us complete As one till the very end Anyway, just my suggestion. None of this really detracts from the poem overall. I really enjoyed reading this and thanks for sharing it! Sincerely, Erica
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-01-13 14:31:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You know DeniMari, I can't possible give a critique that is negetive, or even would make suggestions for any improvements you may consider, there isn't anything written that over a period could use tweaking, that's what the finese of writing is. Let me speak of cadence, along with the philosophy of this poem, as it stands it has all the positive impacts on a reader it should have, it's soft, and alluring, and carries the message of honest bonded committment, so as it's projection you've managed nicely to carry the intent of the body of the poem, it's quite lovely, and speaks I believe to anyone that is looking for an idealic union, to death, why allow bumps in the road of life to destroy the basis of what a true relationship is, no bondage, just shared committment and compassion for a soulmate. So you've projected wonderfully, in a cadence in reading the poem that has great appeal. Maybe you'll find a voice that tweaks it into what you consider perfection. From my point of view I accept the writer message, and gut reaction to the effect of the poem is what moves my senses, and to me you have a wonderful basis for a poem that's very lovely, and enjoyable to read, that causes retrospection in every reader that truly understans shared union...yes it's quite lovely. If you choose to polish this submission in some way, I wold take in your words, and acknowledge that a true writer is their own worst critic after enough time has passed, but noone can offer a change in this philosophy, it's very lovely. Maube some of those experts who are language art experts may suggest what are considered improvements, but the poem as it stand is based on emotional dreams, and all of us seek idealistic relationships, that endure, and are shared as equal partners. I love the projection, your choice of grammer, and the wonderful seeking of a union...very lovely indeed...Best regards, Joanne Morgan (JoMo)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2004-01-12 12:05:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
DeniMari, Im not sure that I agree with your assessment of this poem as needing "a lot of work". I think it flows extremely well as has a sincerity rarely found in this type of poetry. The rhymes are not forced and flow well complimenting the textual meaning in a manner that lends a certin pleasant lilt to the sentiment. The meter is a little random but the rhythm is constant. If your going to rework this please be very careful that you don't lose the spontenienty while trying to capture the craft. Best, Rick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-01-08 14:15:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hello poet.....This one is a singer and should be put to music for as one reads you can hear the beat and the music in the background bringing it to life......nicely structured, great word flow, good rhyming too.... Love the opening stanza for you are telling the other person in your life you still want to me free to be who you are even though you are connected together in life......great start on a the line respect this love everyday don't let other things get in the way.......the meaning so open and yet so deep.....good job poet....over and over you have done a great job of allowing your feelings and emotions flow with this one and though it might have been created a few years back it is still solid from what I see and feel. Thank you for posting and sharing this with us.......I have no suggestions to offer for i feel it stands proud as it is....God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-01-07 12:08:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
DeniMari--Welcome back to TPL. There is nothing complicated about your poem. It's all straight forward plain language and not unreasonable-smile. The title is very apt for the piece: it puts the reader on notice that a sequence of heartfelt requests/rules are likely forthcoming; these are not demands, but reciprocals (if only lovers the world over would abide by your formula-WOW!). I really like your 6 stanza (rhyming) tercet. Good spacing of the repeat phrasing in stanzas #1 and #5 ("Take this heart- share my life..."): it helps emphasize the title/theme. Great use of true/end rhymes: sounds not spellings the key; these rhymes are emphatic and along with the line breaks help creates a nice rhythmic ebb and flow. My two most favorite phrases are, "be the best part of my world..."/" my everlasting friend." These are very pertinent to me and could easily be interchangeable or the same. The entire piece is neat; pleasing to the eye; and a superb read. However, I do have a small critisim of stanzas #5 and #6: although both contain super metaphors, they are a wee bit verbose. A tad bit of conciseness in these two stanzas will give this piece an added punch. Your work (in my humble opinion-smile) is still an excellent offering. Thanks for sharing this revelant relationship piece with your fellow TPLers. TLW
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