This Poem was Submitted By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-01-11 22:26:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Trance
My castle in the air took me
to the jungle of Alps
where bestial cries glutted my
ears as I traipsed like a waif.
Owl hooting, wolf howling,
prowling lion roared in truculence.
Scared by the horrendous bawls,
I galloped through the prairie,
panting, lily-livered, scouting a snug home.
Then zephyr chattered relief
as skylark warbled and dove cooed
amorously while the ravishingly sweet
lilacs lured my wits.
I began scouting you out among peduncles.
Turning you up, gruff cries squelched,
The solitary din outlived--the whinny of
my prancing heart. I emerged
as your palfrey, saddling you at my back
as I loped throughout my trance. |
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Copyright © January 2004 Jordan Brendez Bandojo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-02-07 16:33:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95455
Jordan:
I'm still doing crits trying to build my voting power for my final vote.
I just saw a critique from you which I will answer as soon as I review
your unique poem.
There are so many things about your piece that appeal to me as reader.
First, your use of more arcane words sings to my heart! (This is the
first poem I've ever read with the word 'PEDUNCLE'). That is very delightful
for me as one who uses more obscure words, according to the reviewers here.
Second, your imagery is magical and mystical and I feel the poem itself
is a metaphor for adventures we humans crave.
"My castle in the air took me
to the jungle of Alps
where bestial cries glutted my
ears as I traipsed like a waif.
Owl hooting, wolf howling,
prowling lion roared in truculence."
Oh those Alpine jungles! Nice simile and rhyme in "traipsed/waif" and good rhyme
in howling/prowling. I like the use of "truculence" to describe the lion's roar.
This portion of the poem is fanciful and entertaining, seemingly written under
the influence (Joke) for who can be this imaginative?
"Scared by the horrendous bawls,
I galloped through the prairie,
panting, lily-livered, scouting a snug home.
Then zephyr chattered relief
as skylark warbled and dove cooed
amourously while the ravishingly sweet
lilacs lured my wits."
In this part of the poem, you utilize four allits which add to the texture of
your piece. I wondered, how did he get from traipsing waif to a horse rider? but
remembered, of course, this is a fantasy where anything is possible. Nice
enjambment from line eight to nine, done skillfully.
The personification of zephyr works well and the imagery of the breeze chattering,
skylarks singing and doves cooing with the aroma of lilac permeating the scene is
wonderful.
"I began scouting you out among peduncles. ....Sorry, this image made me smile....
Turning you up, gruff cries squelched,
The solitary din outlived--the whinny
(of) my prancing heart. I emerged
as your palfrey, saddling you at my back
as I loped throughout my trance."
You begin walking, then riding a horse, and at the end, you become a gentle horse
for your lady to ride. Clever!
I haven't been delineating your poetics but your rhymes here of din/whin and
prance/trance are worthy of note.
The metaphor of your whinny with your heart prancing is unexpected and truly
delightful.
Your ending is rich as is the entire poem...speaker/hero lopes off into the sunset
with his ladylove on his back. Trance extant.
I find this piece enchanting and I would change nothing. Bizarre, entrancing imagery
and linguistics wondrous! This was like going for a walk thru the funhouse at a
carnival...life distorted but in happy, funny ways.
Congrats on this accomplished piece of writing.
Best wishes,
Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-02-01 00:59:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
Hi Jordan,
“I submitted "Trance" for this month and it is relating about horse stuff, you might be interested to read it.”
--- I have been reading this “dream-like” entry of yours again and again…and I am so fascinated by your abundant imageries. When you said it is “about horse stuff”…the more I appreciate it. The images and descriptions around it are clearer and more beautiful now. As always, you place your readers in the next level of expectations and satisfactions. Your plethora of treasured words is very entertaining as ever. Your poetic and lyrical prowess again, shines within the lines. As always you never disappoints.
From the wonderful and creative “My castle in the air” to the eloquent “saddling you at my back as I loped throughout my trance”, you have completed this dazzling journey with such freedom, grace, passion and intensity. From the animals owl, wolf, lion, doves to nature subjects like lilies, zephyr, skylark, lilacs…these are perfect panorama for your reverie voyage. I enjoyed the choice of animal / nature subjects you have here which reminds me too of my old haiku entries for
owl and lilies and upcoming haikus for zephyr, lilac and lion.
Again, you have poured your heart and inspirations to this masterful piece! Please don’t ever get tired in submitting winning entries for you have an audience here. Just keep them coming! Excellent!
As always,
Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-21 15:11:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.90476
I like the idea of being a horse that this poem seems to put across as a subject for this. Really excellent use of vocabulary also. It's not that often I need to consult a dictionary to understand what is meant by a poem, and I can make some assumptions, but it's better to know. I also like the references to the different species, as well as the sights and smells. I also like the idea I have of the Alps (from cycling races) as these enoromous pristine mountains. Very nice to find that in included in the such a nicely made poem. Well done.
Thanks,
REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-01-18 20:26:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.30769
Hi Poet: Brilliant not only to read but in structure, word flow and contents....It speaks to me of a love which I shall never have the opportunity to share with anyone since horses are not nor have they ever been in my life but the majestic beauty of them shall remain forever within my heart......great alliterations...hooting/howling/prowling/panting. My favorite line is ..."ravishingly sweet lilacs lured my wits" so poetic so beautiful. The use of the word 'palfrey' is so right for this piece. I could sit here and wish forever to have a horse of my own to ride into the woods here in Tully but it shall never happen.....so I shall close my eyes and dream of things that might be...
I spent a weekend in the Berkshires once and the group of us went horseback riding......the leader was slow, easy going and quite laid back for us beginners and how I envied those that gallopped away into the wind .....
love the sound of beating hooves and the power it must give to the rider on the back....
Thanks for posting and sharing, be safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-01-14 12:11:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.46154
Hi Jordan,
Last night I did an involved crit of this poem...just as I was
about to sign my name my computer booted me off line! Soooo I will try
again. To begin with I think this is a brilliant poem to say the least.
It really speaks to me as living in Wyoming I have ridden a fair number
of horses..Quarter horse, Arabian (my favorite because of their zest) and
Morgans (that we used for hunting) and others...."jungle of Alps" very
clever use of 'jungle'....also'traipsed like a waif' is great. You have
wonderful a alliterations...hooting/howling/prowling/panting. My
favorite line is "Then Zephyr chattered relief" amazing concept! Then
...."ravishingly sweet lilacs lured my wits" is so poetic and beautiful.
I have been reading some poems by Robert L. Stevenson and he writes like
this...with unusual and great discriptors. The use of the word 'palfrey'
is so perfect for this piece. At first read I thought you could have
said 'saddling you upon my back' but then I decided 'you at my back'
is more in keeping with the horse speaking and keeps the integrity of
the theme. I cann't help but go back in time as I read your words to
my horse riding days. Sometimes when the chores of mother-hood what
over-take me I would take the children to their grand-mother and saddle
up one of the horses and go for a ride. I can still feel the wind in
my face and the sound of the beating hooves on dusty land and the power
beneath as I would gallop across the plain. Side stepping sage brush,
tumble-weeds and an occasional tree. Such a free feeling and it always
fed my soul and revived me. Thank you so much for the wonderful ride
and for allowing me to be part of the 'Trance'...perhaps you will have
another one soon!
Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-01-13 13:14:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Whoa Jordan, pull back on those reins just a bit. I feel like I've been on a wild ride!
Was your "Trance" induced by reading Bobby T's Mustang poem and being inspired? *smile*
or did you just eat too many sugar cubes? *smile*. I hear horses love sugar cubes.
This "Trance" is alive with images right from the beginning with:
"My castle in the air took me
to the jungle of Alps
where bestial cries glutted my
ears as I traipsed like a waif."
Sounds like the beginning of quite a scary adventure.
You have assonance with castle/air/Alps and also with traipsed/waif adding a musical tone.
"Owl hooting, wolf howling,
prowling lion roared in truculence."
With your ing thing you give us sound(hooting/howling) and movement(prowling) and rhymes that
entrance us.
"Scared by the horrendous bawls,
I galloped through the prairie,
panting, lily-livered, scouting a snug home."
This where I think you could even substitute the word "spooked" for "scared" as it applies
to horses and their nature to be scared by noises.
"Then zephyr chattered relief
as skylark warbled and dove cooed
amorously while the ravishingly sweet
lilacs lured my wits."
There is a richness to this phrase that soothes the savage beast or the heart of a man, whichever
we are really talking about. *wink*
"I began scouting you out among peduncles.
Turning you up, gruff cries squelched,
The solitary din outlived--the whinny of
my prancing heart."
How exuberant this is! I love it. It brings to mind unrestrained LOVE!
"I emerged
as your palfrey, saddling you at my back
as I loped throughout my trance."
This rich, beautiful poem represents to me the nature of a man. They have a need. A need to
overcome evil, have an adventure, and of course to save a beauty.
Jordan, you've touched my heart with this! Thank you.
And thanks for sharing such a wonderful trance.
Blessings,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-01-12 05:46:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55556
Jordan--You must love horses, because this is a brilliant Persona Poem (written from a horse's
perspective). Excellent/fresh metaphors(...cries glutted my ears...;...scouting a snug home;...
zephyr chattered relief...;...lilacs lured my wits; etc, etc...I traipsed like a waif (simile)and
onomatopeias (hooting/howling/warbled/cooed/whinny). The combinations of these superb descriptors
creates wonderful imagery of a spooked, sometime riderless/other times ridden horse galloping
through the dream-like state of a past life (Great turn/twist and my favorite line from the piece:
"I emerged as your palfrey, saddling you at my back as I loped throughout my trance.") The restating
of the title within the flow of the last line is most emphatic and telling.
In my humble opinion, a beautiful tribute piece for/to a beloved companion that appears to no longer
be in a position to be ridden. I am sorry if I misstated your effort. Thanks for posting such a great
read. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2004-01-11 22:52:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
jordan, you have use too many images that the mind gets tired.try to focus on a few and work around them. but this is good piece altogether.april
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