This Poem was Submitted By: Sergio M chavez On Date: 2004-01-14 18:38:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Orbituary
Free falling into the depths of nothing
I lied my way here now
I must lie my way out
I’m sleeping, dreaming, and snoring
Wake up.
Submerged myself face down in shit
Crawling in my odoriferous filth of existence
These parasites of guilt, lies, hatred and fear
Devour my soul and cripple my will.
Residual now won’t you come kill me
Outraced by the snail and
I’m a rock in the river.
Sleeping, dreaming and drooling
I must wake up now.
Painfully watching life leave me
Where is my courage to
Feel what I want to?
Do what I want to?
Say what I want to?
And be what I want to?
Trapped inside the shadow over me
Removed my shroud of anger only
To reveal my essence of fear.
And it’s so difficult to change to accept
The defeat, the humiliation, the mistake.
I must find the strength to lose
I must find the courage to live.
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Copyright © January 2004 Sergio M chavez
Additional Notes:
Same old stuff, but thanks for reading.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2004-01-27 21:04:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70588
Hi Sergio,
I find this quite depressing and have to wonder if these are truly your personal thoughts.
Whether you or not, the person here is filled with complete despair and is desperately calling out for help.
We all make mistakes, we all do wrong, but then we have to pick ourselves up and get on with life.
Life is far to precious to waste on regrets and past errors. The poem is well done as it hits me hard
with the sadness. If this is your release(writing) keep plugging away:)
Deb:)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-21 14:50:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.90476
Again, people come to the table with some courageous expressions. This poem is no less than the others. It asks big questions and is confessional in a way. I like poems that are asking big things, grandiose things- considering the scope of mortality is such a big question.
Well done and thanks for showing yourself here. I appreciate it.
Thanks,
REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-01-18 16:56:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.30769
Hi Poet....when I first read the title, due to my poor eyesight, I thought you had posted obituary.....
my mind thought......how sad......but then I find 'Orbituary' and the title keeps sending your life into an orbit of sorts in which you suffer pain over and over again......you are using your writing to relieve some of the pain you feel, the emotions that are within your heart and know not else where to put them....this is good for you, a good form of therapy for it comes from your heart.....perhaps once you read you can see and face the fears that are there, your own anger at what has happened in your lifetime...have you kept a diary of these emotions and feelings, of what you do recall as really happening? Just a thought for it might help you in the end.....
If you are searching a healing you will find it my friend for it has to come from you and from within..........thanks for posting, never fear we tire of reading what you have to say for it might help others as well.....be safe, God Bless, Claire
Good structure, word flow does that and images and emotions run rapid.....
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-01-17 12:41:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.42857
Sergio,
Keep on using your writing a s aform of therapy, yes it can be shocking and disturbing but if it helps to vent your fears, your anger or whatever you need to vent then keep on doing it. My suggestion, to go back and write about those things in your childhood that have affected you negatively. I have done that in my own life, and all published now in a chap book. I feel vindicated, cleansed by this baring of my soul and even if never published or read by anyone else, it does help to get it all out. I found that the festering sores in my life, soon started healing and I can think on those incidents with much more objectivity and without as much pain as I used to have.
Thanks for sharing, keep writing, keep venting, healing can come.
Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ronda Michelle Nelson On Date: 2004-01-17 08:39:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Sergio,
This poem reminds me how we let fear rule, most of the time unbeknown to us. It disquises itself
in with several masks. I've often wondered how freeing it would be, to step into the world, "fearless".
But fear feeds upon fear, and can wreck one emotionally. I see and feel the pain this poem represents.
Very dark, but it asks questions, I think, that we all ask ourselves. Makes one look a little deeper,
inside. Maybe a little to deep! But fear did'nt stop you from putting some honest feelings down.
Good work, Poet!
Ronda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-01-15 13:32:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Sergio,
Again, the truthfulness of your words are charged again here! A battery of constraint feelings "free falling", ready to be released and to set free. I like and enjoyed the playful metaphors and oxymoronic appeal of "outraced by the snail", "i'm rock in the river", "trapped inside the shadow over me" and "i must find the strength to lose". But most of all is the statement "I'm sleeping, dreaming, and snoring wake up". - It's so constrasting yet inter-related.
Again, you never amaze me with your use of uncommon combination of words. Plus, your strength is your honesty.
Thanks for another treat Sergio!
As always,
Erzahl :)
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