This Poem was Submitted By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-01-15 16:01:00 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Blue Tide
When my days are hazy with tristesse,
my heart a burden of regret, my soul
seems polarized.
Eidolons of entropy seize my self
and my up is buried in mire, no desire
to please nor ascend.
Riven and unshriven in my state
of disenchanted duality, I realize
it is time to revise my reality.
With that insight, a score of sun-lit
airs pours inside to luminesce,
to erase the shadows
and replace them with lambent light,
chiming as a timely angelus might.
Music lifts my down, turns the tide
around, and supplies a sarabande
of sound. All provided from above
to thrill and fill me
with undivided love.
|
|
Copyright © January 2004 Mell W. Morris
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-02-06 13:15:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89189
Hi Mell,
These words comfort me like an assuasive balm. Your message comes at a time when
I have been a tad stressed by the weather (8 beautiful inches of snow out there)
and all the things I am behind on because of the weather. The good part of my
circumstance is that my dear husband finally was able to revamp my pc, so I can't
complain one iota. And now I find this offering on my list. What more could a
girl want?
When the "Blue Tide" comes rolling in, it knocks a person off course and engulfs.
I can't think of a better, more accurate title. But this works on more than one level.
When my days are hazy with tristesse,
my heart a burden of regret, my soul
seems polarized."
An apt description of depression, but more than that, of letting the evilness of the
World drag you down with the good/bad battle. Your rhyme of days/haze gets the rhythm
started. Assonance with soul/polarized adds to your rhythm. You'll probably laugh
but I can just hear B B King belting this out. There’s a blues song in this just
beggin' to be played and sung. :) But with the use of ‘tristesse’ (French word for
melancholy sadness) it might need to be Zydeco instead of blues. :) just kidding,
but there is a song in this poem!
"Eidolons of entropy seize my self
and my up is buried in mire, no desire
to please nor ascend."
Sometimes it all just seems too much to even fathom how to push through the quagmire
and rise above the burdens we place on ourselves. I especially like the way you use 'my up'
in this stanza and then 'my down' later in stanza five. It adds a balance to this. And
again more rhyme/rhythm with seize/please and mire/desire.
"Riven and unshriven in my state
of disenchanted duality, I realize
it is time to revise my reality."
It’s usually when we reach a state of brokeness, that we are truly facing our reality.
These fresh rhymes of riven/unshriven and duality/reality and realize/revise are blowing me away,
Not to mention the meaning of what you are saying here!
“With that insight, a score of sun-lit
airs pours inside to luminesce,
to erase the shadows”
“and replace them with lambent light,
chiming as a timely angelus might.
Music lifts my down, turns the tide”
Insight is exactly the right word for it. Light eradicates the dark here.
Score/pour keeps your rhythm going into the perfect enjambment,
And another rhyme of erase/replace. I love the way you bring music into this
With “chiming as a timely angelus might.” And also the word tide which ties right into the title.
“around, and supplies a sarabande
of sound. All provided from above
to thrill and fill me
with undivided love.”
More rhyme of around/sound and above/love supply the eveness and end on such a wonderfully positive note.
Also sarabande ties in with what I have been saying all along. This is a song unto my heart. And where does all this light and music come from? Above of course, where else? I feel lighter and loved. Thank you.
I know that a life sentence is the most popular of your poems this month and it does address an important issue, but for me this is my fav of yours this month.
Blessings,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2004-02-03 20:26:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60606
Mell,
You simply enchant me with your words. You heave yourself out of the doldrums and revise your reality.
(love that wording) Sun lit air gives me a warm feeling and I would be hard pressed not to delight in such a day. Music lifts my down..like the way you phrased that. And we can be thankful for sunshine and music
and everything we have for it is truly given with love from above. I feel a bounce in my step after this one..thank you:)
Deb:)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-01 20:30:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54930
Hi Mell......sorry if this is short but I am so outof it these days....mom is in hospital with pneumonia and gallblader attack and at 92 she is behaving like a one year old baby......I am ready for the luny bin.......but I have read this and want you to know it is very well structured, your words are superb in their flow and image creations abound.......love the last two stanzas especially for to me it speaks of the love of God which is filling your soul with its music of angels thus turning the situation around and bringing back the peace you so seek. Another winner my friend.....good luck in the contest I amsuer it will make the top......be safe, thanks for posting and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-01-30 16:10:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.51429
Hi Mell,
I just get upset when I don't see your work on my list...so I went scouring the list
and here you are! This is an exceptional piece of writing...knowing a little of the
trauma you are expereincing right now just makes it more meaningful for me...."My
heart a burden of regret"..I love this phrase and when I look back at some of my own
regrets my heart is heavy with rue...."my up is buried in mire"...this is an amazing line
and is more than just descriptive...it is riddled with pathos. To have your will, your
excitment, your ability to look forward to the future, mired deep into depression is
almost unbearable to me. I have known this feeling. 'disenchanted duality' another
amazing descriptor....just one of many you have graced us with....'to erase the shadows'
beautiful and haunting line....'replace them with lambent light'..love the word lambent
(glowing) here. The closer I got to the last line the better and more hopeful I began
to feel, even though I still the pathos I also feel you know exactly what you need to
pull yourself back up into the beautiful sounds of life and that you will do that...'all
provided from above to thrill and fill me with undivided love'...to me this reads like
a lovely soft prayer a prayer that will endow you with serenity and love. Your poems
always touch me in one way or the other and this one does even more than that. I can feel
every line so profoundly just like it came from inside me. I am sure this is another
winner...at least it is for me.
Be well and Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-21 16:44:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Wow. Another poem where I have to use the dictionary! That doesn't happen too much, so I like it so much when it does. Having said that, maybe this is why is seems that these rarely seen words are used for a specific effect, adding a bit of a forced feel to it for me. Could just be me though and I wouldn't take it the wrong way.
Emotionally, it's quite a powerful poem for me but mainly because I LOVE poems about struggles with duality, and especially when they end up in the way yours does. I found a fairly large place to direct my impulses this way at a yoga temple, but where you found yours I don't know. Maybe you imagined one, I dunno. I hope it's working for you though.
Thanks,
REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-01-17 19:29:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62500
At this point I would tell him that "such and such" is not a word and then amble on with more drivel (sp?)
and in return an hour or a day later he would say "it is now, because I made it one" and with the right hand
"you'll never learn" ...
well, i've learned and so i won't say it.
Nice poem. there.
with undivided love.
tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-01-17 17:46:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Dear Mell,
Goodness gracious girl, you are making me work! All those new words and sounds that I have to look up cause I haven't read them before!
I think this is my favorite part of this particular poem:
With that insight, a score of sun-lit
airs pours inside to luminesce,
to erase the shadows
Erasing the shadows, whatever it takes! I love the sunlight and when I am home and it is dreary outside you can bet that I have plenty of lights on. Your internal rhymes are just fabulous, thrill/fill, light/might etc. Great work here Mell.
Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-01-17 13:37:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Mell--Almost a Jekel and Hyde analogy-smile. Apt title for the doldrums that the speaker was able
to extricate his/her self from.
Your six stanza tercet uses fresh descriptors (tristesse, polarized, eidolons, entropy, riven and
unshriven, luminesce, lambent, angelus & sarabande) that creates such great imagery. The combination
of rhymes (mire/desire; riven/unshriven; realize/revise; insight/light/might; inside/tide; down/around;
provided/undivided; above/love) and alliterations (soul seems; seize my self; disenchanted duality;
revise my reality; lambent light; turns the tide; supplies a sarabande of sound) produces melodious
tones that are unmistakabley your "forte" (pun intended).
Superb metaphors (I could darn near rewrite the entire piece--where to start? Okay my favorites):
"...hazy with tristesse, my heart a burden of regret, my soul seems polarized.";"...my up is buried
in mire..."--I love this!! "...my state of disenchanted duality..."; "...a score of sun-lit airs
pours inside to luminesce..."; "music lifts my down, turns the tide around..." WOW!!
Stupendous 3rd stanza twist/turn to get back on track; "...I realize it is time to revise my reality."
Just an all around great read and tremendous effort. Have I told you lately how much your posting and
reviewing means to me individually and TPL collectively? Now, that's a rhetorical question! TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-01-15 21:19:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
What a dramatic piece you have here, Mell!
I like the way the person is talking about him/herself.
Since you are the author, I assume you are the one talking!
Everyone can relate the scenario because in one's life
there is always these days when you feel uncomfortable, you
feel alone forlorn or you just don't know what's going on to your life.
There is no such life as perfectly joyful or something like that!
Your inputs are very realistic and practical. Your words are deep and
moving though some of the words are vocabularies to me. As always,
you are given the assignment of looking my dictionary. That is what I
really want gathering and establishing vocabularies. Hehe.
I like your phrases, as always, they are new to me. The descriptors are original.
Like the phrase "my soul seems polarized." I like the idea of "polarized"
it has a physical effect. Physics is there!
This stanza is so unique in its linguistics:
Eidolons of entropy seize my self
and my up is buried in mire, no desire
to please nor ascend.
Entropy....there is Physics again! I think you already know that when I see
Physics term, my senses would be touched and would make me feel very excited!
In thi input:
"Riven and unshriven in my state
of disenchanted duality, I realize
it is time to revise my reality." ----Since you mention duality, I can think
of the dual behavior of light, a wave and a particle. So intriguing to know the
behavior of that person in dual nature. And you are trying to change that reality
since it seems that it is not working right. I can say that the speaker
is trying to make herself appear consistent, not in duality or something.
Now, the metaphor is reinforced! It is the shadow that seems to make your behavior
in dual nature. You only wanted to appear the lambent light and erase the shadow! Very very
essential thought. It is a real application of life.
Like the allits you have here like "lambent light", "sarabande of sound", etc. Very nice to stress out!
With the neat propagation of your triplets, you ended with a very dramatic ending
with all the hopes and light from Above!
Thanks for sharing, Mell! This poem made me ponder on the duality of my behavior!
This is another winner, huh!
May you continue to grow in the light of God's love.
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-01-15 17:31:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Nekk:
This is a most fortunate, joyous day! To find your poem, just as I finished submitting
one, is serendipity at its best - certain knowledge that we are *truly* not alone. To
drink in the sublime beauty of your poem (for lack of a word splendiferous enough) knowing
that it springs from your "state of disenchanted duality" is to share in the "thrill"
which comes "from above" and fills us both. I believe strongly that all readers will
be lifted with your work, your reference to the music which "lifts" your "down" and
"turns the tide around" for truly music is the universal language beyond spoken or
written.
As always, your poem is filled with lustrous words, is original and fresh as
daybreak and lilts with a grace that is a trademark "Mell" gift to readers.
When my days are hazy with tristesse,
my heart a burden of regret, my soul
seems polarized.
If you can emerge from such burdens with this exquisitely written poem, then my
heart is lifted to the heavens. Wonderful use of allits and poetic skills all
through this work, of course - but the main effect is to thrill my soul, though
my mind makes note of your artistry. The 'z' in "hazy/polarized/seize/realize"
is like the buzz from the very saw that makes misery. And the word "tristesse"
is soul-deep suffering, and from such so often poets create their greatest works.
I believe you have done so here. I compare you to my favorite poets - though
the style and voice may be different, the impact is the same. I am more alive,
more willing to endure for reading what you have created.
Eidolons of entropy seize my self --Incredible
and my up is buried in mire, no desire
to please nor ascend.
"my up is buried in mire" - absolutely brilliant
Riven and unshriven in my state --
of disenchanted duality, I realize
it is time to revise my reality.
No one could write this as you have, for it comes from your core. It becomes
my credo, too - as someone who lives in "disenchanted duality" and wants to
*real*ize *real* ity!!! Amazing - I wish I could be the first to say "Only
you." I mean, maybe today I am, but it has been said before by someone who
admires your work equally.
With that insight, a score of sun-lit
airs pours inside to luminesce,
to erase the shadows
and replace them with lambent light,
chiming as a timely angelus might.
Music lifts my down, turns the tide
Your words are luminous, as you carry us with you, lift our downs, give us
the gift of music which is one of the greatest healing forces known.
around, and supplies a sarabande - luscious sibilance
of sound. All provided from above
to thrill and fill me
with undivided love.
One of the most astonishing qualities of your work, Mell, is your consistency
of tone over time. What seems to change is focus, and in this instance, precise
language which focuses on a state of being which is in the process of becoming.
There is no complaint, no whining, only acknowledgment. I find myself sustained
by your words, rather than merely entertained or diverted. You help us move
forward, too, as you share your insight. The gift of your poetry is that
you share the beauty of language and of the deep pain and growth of living,
and you make it unforgettable! You invite us as readers to find ourselves
as well. I am thrilled by this poem and would be no matter who wrote it -
but it could have been written by no other. Brava! And again I shout it,
"BRAVA!"
Your finest to date! I do not hesitate to make this claim, knowing I will
love your next poem and perhaps feel as strongly about it.
All my best, always
Joanne
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!