This Poem was Submitted By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-01-16 11:21:30 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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        Fog hugs the orchard      Green oranges silently grow          Bubble-wrapped in mist

Copyright © January 2004 Rachel F. Spinoza

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2004-02-07 17:24:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
R.F.S., You paint such powerful pictures. The latent beauty of the bloom is so eloquently captured and perfectly framed. Again Dear Roni, I am in awe. Thanks again for revealing beauty as only you can. Rick

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-02-06 15:58:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.45000
This is a visual piece. I take it's a haiku. You really "should" put a title to it. Thanks for posting.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-02-06 12:40:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Rachel, What exquisite visuals! The embracing image of hugging and bubble-wrapping draws close the haze. I have no vistas of orange groves here in NS, but this is so clear that in my mind, the snapshot takes on vivid colors and definable textures. I like the gutturals in L1, rich and glow in the throat. In S2, the silence of growth reminds us that everything has beginnings and then expands toward maturity. "Bubble-wrapped" is the most amazing metaphor! "Bubble" has a subliminal level; I picture little green gumballs [i.e. bubble gum] on the branches. This is a haiku variant with strong cadence [3-4-3 in terms of accentual pattern]. As a condensed Nature portrait, it is a gem. Much enjoyed! Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ross Z Hollingsworth On Date: 2004-02-04 13:59:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This a wonderful haiku in the classical sense in that it captures the man vs. nature dichotomy all these pieces should contain. The use of "green orange" works nicely and sonically with the alliterative "g" and "s" sounds here. "Mist" seems a little cliched and predictable after opening the piece with "fog". The use of a suitable synoymn would be nice. Love the use of "bubble-wrapped in this context.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-02-04 13:55:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38298
Hi Rachel; This is a wonderful moment in time haiku; how they are supposed to be written I believe. Coming from the orchard dotted west coast (apples, pears, cherries), your writing took me back to many similar moments that I shared with my children, pointing out the beauty of nature easily seen from our back windows or porch. I loved the contrast in color (green oranges). Bubble-wrapped in mist is also a very clever way to express the image and helped transport me and my thoughts to the calm pleasant moments I experienced. You have provoked me to wonder whether I should return to an area where I can again enjoy some different scenery. I do appreciate the snow-topped roofs on the houses I see after a fresh snow, but it just isn't the same. Thanks for sharing you simple yet complete story on the beauty that surrounds us. Mick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2004-02-03 20:30:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60606
Hi Rachel, I don't believe I've read a haiku from you before but this is wonderfully vivid. So easy to see the fog hugging the orchard as unripe oranges are wrapped in mist. No suggestion foe improvement as you follow the 5-7-5 of haiku and you paint the scene well. Deb:)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-02-01 01:06:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
Hi Rachel, The beauty of simplicity radiates in every word and line you described here. Such a sweet sweet wonder. Yes, haiku is intended to be no title, simple and straightforward. Because of its limited area, readers should not be exhausted by too much imagery and directions. Here, the traditional approach and structure of haiku is well executed. The wonderful images presented for each line is a wonderful bonus. I just observed that the second line exceeds one syllable. I hope I’m wrong about it. :) “Fog hugs the orchard” --- This is unique and original. “Green oranges” - oh, we have a lot of that here in the Philippines. I find the contrasting color of “green oranges” playful. “Bubble-wrapped in mist” - bringing back the “fog” with “mist” points the images more intact and related. Great approach! Thanks for posting this for our enjoyment, and personally for “my enjoyment”. You know, how much I enjoy reading and dissecting this. Thanks for the opportunity! As always, Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Morales On Date: 2004-01-28 22:43:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Green oranges. I like it! By the way, what did you ever do with that fuzzy apple thingy we found growing at the university? Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-01-23 17:26:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.39474
and my dear Poet bring on the orange juice for you certainly have it flowering nicely within the lines.... Fog hugs the the way the green oranges frow and when ripe and ready for hipping perhaps bubble-wrapped in mist....... I assume this is in Haiku form and true to it 5-7-5......lately I must confess I am drawn to drinking much too much orange juice......I even put it in the fridge in a plastic glass so it will freeze up and I can eat it like a freeze pop.....wonder if something is wrong with me.....enjoyed the vision of this creation my friend.....thanks for posting and safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-21 17:22:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
This reminds me of my family, whose main profession is orange juice. My last girlfriend's family were the largest private holder of orange groves in Florida, and she was my dad's next door neighbor. Still is. A great image, and it also reminds my of my youth with orange trees in the back yard. Very good, concise poem.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Leo Wilder On Date: 2004-01-20 11:34:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Rachel, This is very nice haiku. I love the reference to the orchards "bubble-wrapped in mist." This is one of my favorite forms. Not to change the subject, but have you ever read Jared Carter's "Oliver P. Morton" poem? I think you would like it. Leo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-01-17 19:20:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62500
Well, whatever you do, don't title it "Bleu Cheese" or "Blue Fog" or even "Blue Oranges" because "Blue" is taken for this month. So I would suggest something like: "Out My Window" "Japanese Morn" "Coffee Mate" "Another Reason for Leaving You in San Bernadino" (I know, it's thrilling here, too...)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Gary A Wilmot On Date: 2004-01-17 07:50:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Rachel I remember another time, under the watchful guidance of A Famous Published Poet, I was told never to use personification.So many years,so many changes,have passed since.Knowing what I know now,I would say to A Famous Published Poet,"Bullshit!" Afterall,breathing life into that which may be ignored,unnoticed,or missed completely,is part of what a good poet does so well,if not the entire purpose and being for the existence of poetry. You have shown evidence here.The beauty and simplicity of nature is captured well. I can picture the scene in my mind,the fog slowly descending one early morning... You have achieved your purpose here,and very well I might add. (Phew,it's been a long time."Raven" tells me it's time to heal.I better listen...) Gary
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-01-16 22:14:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Rachel--All technicalities met for traditional haiku (5-7-5 syllable three line format). Nice imagery produced by combination of metaphoric descriptors "Fog hugs the orchard" and "Bubble-wrapped in mist." I think this is a neat concise nature piece that I like and thanks for sharing your effort. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-01-16 13:53:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Rachel: These green oranges, vulnerable fruit whose lives are so fleeting, seem overwhelmed by the element of fog - like a shroud of protection and also of burial. They almost seem to need our encouragement as they grow in the non-warmth. Oranges evoke the idea of sunlight, but these green ones are in fog, "bubble-wrapped" as if for consumption, enduring hardship. There is no sentimentality implied in the poem, but an acute awareness of their silent growth. Perhaps, like the green oranges, human young persist in spite of less than ideal surroundings. These oranges are permitted to ripen on trees in the orchard, and are blanketed by fog and not threatened by frost. Yet they are far from their native land of India (some say Viet Nam) and thus could symbolize all who must thrive in a climate which is unfamiliar. Orange is a warm, flamboyant, sociable color, while 'green' feels almost chilly and implies growth, youth and inexperience. The poem stimulates thought about something most often taken for granted. The imagery is sensual and I especially enjoyed your use of the letter 'g' which stimulates an earthy, grounded feeling - in contrast to the mist. I hope I haven't wandered too far from your intent for this piece. My best to you, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-01-16 11:43:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Rachel. Is this a hiaku? I love "green oranges." I mean, the phrase. Probably the best of the haiku (?) i've seen around here. But what kind of an expert could i be if i don't even know what makes a hiaku? But i suspect that even those who know would love this one. Mark
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