This Poem was Submitted By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-02-03 15:00:51 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Toilet Soliloquies (Fart One)

To pee, or not to pee: that is the question; Whether 'tis wise in the bladder to suffer The pains and fury of my burning pee zeppelin, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing them? To drip; to pee;  and more; and by a leak to say we end The tummy-ache while watering the garden To refresh is fair and all consuming Stoutly to be fished; from the eye, to let fly; To let fly; perchance to stream; ay, but not to rub For in that stream of life what dreams may come   When we have shuffled off this Lay-Z-Boy, Must give us pause during the two-minute warning That makes calamity of missing a play or bosom. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, proud wife's contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law's lady The insolence from her kitchen office and the spurns  This patient meritous man from the rec room takes, When she herself might her quietus make With her big bottom stealing my remote and chaise To grunt then complain t'wards my teary wife,  and that the dread of something after peeing returning from the undiscover'd backyard to see my beer replaced by her tea And lose the name of Superbowl action Stop you now fair flow! Toilet in thy orisons Be any Patriot wins forgotten.

Copyright © February 2004 Mick Fraser

Additional Notes:
Obviously I excuse myself for any offense taken (Janet Jackson excuse) I hestitated to use Fart one, but I wanted to remain as true to the original version as possible. Having said that, I did shorten the last stanza... Being a Carolina fan (for this Superbowl anyway...I change every that's why I'll never be a Patriot)I had to use the last line. This is dedicated to all Superbowl fans (both sexes) that would rather be a little uncomfortable than miss any action, including those pricey commercials.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-24 19:21:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
I catch the drift of this, and can excuse the title, but I think a little refining would make a big improvement - both in language and form. It appears to be a little like a spontaneous, unedited piece. I can accept the humor of it, but it kind of turned me off (pun intended) a little. I look forward to some more of your work as I can see the potential here for greater poetry. Thanks for the change of piss - I mean pace.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-02-23 19:20:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Hi Mick, This is a funny yet clever read! I like how you summarized the dilemma of going to pee or not to pee when watching a favorite (especially Superbowl) TV program. I think we all experience that! Your first line is a great introduction: “To pee, or not to pee: that is the question;” is a great to start this subject. Your adding of “Lay-Z-Boy” describes the other side of comfort from watching. To add your wife’s reaction and comedy scenario: “That makes calamity of missing a play or bosom” is very humorous. Fighting over remote controls, over attentions is a common scenario in a family room. Here, I can easily picture it out. Thanks for this enjoyable read! Note: I like the subtitle “Fart One” - interesting, though I waited for it to come but never came. :) As always, Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Leo Wilder On Date: 2004-02-21 14:06:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Mick, And i flush with every word. Fun to read. Leo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-02-13 10:55:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
This is a healthy dose of irreverence in a place which all to often is patently reverent. I like it for that reason. There is also a fair amount of juxtaposition here- using the words fart and orison in the same poem- wow! It's also fairly descriptive in ways that make me uncomfortable, which I am sure was the point of the exercise. I am sure Shakespeare wrote his share of ribald stuff back in his day. These are nice contrasts all the way around. There is a basic poke in the eye to many subjects here. I am not someone who likes football with any real emotion at all, so maybe some of the well-written slights against the Patriots (which is also a bit ironic in other ways) I will miss. Great job- funny stuff. Thanks, REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-05 08:29:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi offense taken and it was done with style........good form, nice easy word flow, action packed just with the the way the little lady takes over the chair and exchanges beer with her tea.....I did not get to watch the superbowl but listened on the radio and it was exciting just because it was the super bowl.....for no other reason and I do live here in New England and have enjoyed the Patiots for many seasons........ most would suffer through the thoughts of going or not going especially at the end....what a great finish to a super game.....thanks for posting and sharing with safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-02-04 01:06:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
One for the ages. Well, some ages. And of all the poems I've ever read - this is one of 'em. Surfer_Gurl_2004
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2004-02-03 20:43:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Mick, I laughed as I read this, imagining how many might hold and wait and cringe rather to make the mad dash to the bathroom in fear something will be missed. Unfortunately, this year in my opinion, we could have all taken bathroom breaks during most of the commercials, (Bud did not keep up with the great ones in the past) and I couldn't get too excited with the half time entertainment. Thanks for the laugh. Deb:)
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