This Poem was Submitted By: Erin E Roland On Date: 2004-02-20 00:32:57 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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untitled My mind plays in
a language all humanity
Resonates,
And all but us could hear.
We were written in a code
we’re dying to decipher
It writes;
How my mood swings
How I got here
and why the blood
rushes to greet
in my cheeks it whispers
why my brother and I
have hands of artists
And hearts of red gold
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Copyright © February 2004 Erin E Roland
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-03-02 01:31:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.17857
This is such a cool poem as it really relates the possibilities of life that everyone has inside of them. It's my calling in life to recognize these traits in others and it fills me with much joy and pride. I also like the clue that we may be talking about one who is younger here, or at least that's how I imagine it to be anyway.
It's a poet which is almost royal in it's tone,especially the end.
It sure says a lot in a few lines.
The concepts are both quite large and open ended, yet I can easily relate to them. I think this has to do with the very precious lines:
and why the blood
rushes to greet
in my cheeks it whispers
A great transition into a great finish. These are very tender and palpable lines that make me feel that I am right there watching the flushed cheek.
Good stuff.
My wife says that she liked it too.
REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-02-22 20:46:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Erin, I like this very much. Your last two lines are original and compelling and I like how you interpret life and dna as a language. The details of blushing and artists hands keep this poem acsessable.Good luck with you writing I can't wait to see more. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-22 11:27:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Very closely knit and emotional piece of work. I think I'd alter some of the line lengths, but not the wording. Ending the 1st line with a preposition seems to weaken the "language". I would consider placing the end of that line after "language", e.g. "My mind plays in a language/all humanity/resonates/" leaving off the comma to more easily connect the next clause. Also, some of the capitalization seems unecessary,
i.e. "Resonates" & the 2 "And"s. This is a strong work of art, however. Write on!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-02-20 12:40:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.20833
Hi-
Interesting piece. Are you twins?
Odd punctuation. Part of the twist?
red gold? Bloody twisted...
tom
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