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This Poem was Submitted By: Emma Quinn On Date: 2004-03-15 19:47:40 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Night Train

Cars rattle and sway over long-haired tumbleweed trestles the blood deep tatoo steel wheels on steel rails a context of crossties and sleepers dig into deserts of dream, breathe slow.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Leo Wilder On Date: 2004-04-03 12:05:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Emma, Somewhere between the song "Night Train" and "City of New Orleans." Interesting description of the ride. HAving ridden many trains over the years I can relate to the sounds and scenes of the rider. Nice touch. Leo

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-17 18:57:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Night Train Good title which evokes a myriad of train and whistle poems, songs, longings Cars rattle and sway over long-haired tumbleweed trestles really neat subtle demi-personification here - suggestion of long hair tresses in the train word trestles - this is what fine poetry can do - wake up our poweres of association and let us paint our own pictures with just a hint of a shaded word. the blood deep [tattoo] [great further personification but are any tatttos less than blood deep? steel wheels on steel rails a context of crossties [lovely phrasemaking] and sleepers dig into deserts of dream, [ahhhh,,,,lovely] breathe slow[ly]. another fine poem Rachel

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-03-16 20:02:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Dear Emma, I took Amtrak to Georgia a few years ago. It was just me and my son who was 8 then, and you should have seen us holding hands to jump cars! What a great experience that whole ride was. Your poem is structured nicely, and imagery is good. It flows well and the context is clear. The most unusual line is "the blood deep tatoo", very different use of description and works well in this piece. The only change I would offer is perhaps to include some desciption of night - to embellish your title, otherwise it's good just as it is. Thanks for reminding me of that trip - this was a good read. Sincerely, DeniMari

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-16 17:54:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.51613
Hi Emma---absolutely lovely! Eight short lines and you've drawn us an oil-painting. Reminds me a lot of that Americana standard--Good Mornin' America--How Are Ya? (Don't ya know me--I'm your native son). The rendition I have is Willie Nelson. This has that feel--I can hear the "train beat" in the percussion section and the bass notes bringing out the color of "Night" and the color of steel at night. over long-haired tumbleweed trestles love this line, good poetics and alliteration--besides being a great picture. the blood deep tatoo excellent line--"blood" adds your dark color; deep tatoo establishes itself with importance in the whole piece. steels/wheels/steel---again, drives home the repetition of the steel-wheels sound--unmistakable and engrained in practically every memory. context/crossties---the hard c sound is almost part of the ch-ch-ch-ch- of the train sounde dig/deserts/dream conjurs up all kinds of emotions and pictures for the sleepers--all kinds of dream material here springs to mind. breathe slow--this almost puts the whole night train into slow-motion, like movies use this technique very effectively and it's effective here. It has been a treat for me to comment on this fine poem. Marcia McCaslin

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-03-15 23:47:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Emma-You write like you've been there and done that: a train traveling at night with its whistle blowing sounds lonely and forlorn (maybe taking someone away from trouble). Plain language and metaphors describes what the speaker and apt title portrays. Nice allits (tumbleweed trestles; contex of crossties; dig into deserts of dreams)also adds to the imagery. Short, sweet and to the point, definitely my type of read. Thanks for sharing this melancholy effort. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-15 22:12:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.68421
Hi! What imagery in line 2! The railroad is a fascination of mine, being of the steam engine age. I loved this read. Thanks for posting and sharing with us. I see very little to correct or edit here. Sp. of "tattoo" is about all. I love L2 and L7, and can hear the wheels clicking with the sounds you have injected throughout with your fine alliteration of t's. Please let us have more. Thanks. wl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2004-03-15 20:17:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Emma, Welcome to the Link! It is so wonderful to have new voices. This is an amazing poem. The allteration is matches the varying tones of the train as it rides the night. I love the commands at the end of the poem "breathe slow" that draw the reader in intimate relation with the poem. The title sings of Coltrane or the blues of Midnight trains to Georgia. Great verbs. This poem will stay with me in its blood deep tattoo next time I hear a train whistle. Jane A Day

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