This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-04-10 14:56:17 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Midnight Stallion In the leafless wilderness we
stood face to face our eyes
locked in a powerful embrace
he stood tall, about sixteen hands
his coat the color of midnight.
He seemed poised for flight, this
wild gallant stallion of strength
His hoofs of thunder pawed earth's surface
and a falcon skulked overhead, vulpine by
nature he dove then soared across time and
the mystic peaks that prop up heaven, my
being was wrapped in a mantle of fear with
heartbeats that pounded and pulsed at my chest
The steed shook his noble mane
nostrils flared with breath of bane, I
felt weak-kneed but held my stand
and slowly extended my hand
The withers of this regal mustang shivered,
eyes cloaked with doubt but he bent his neck
muzzled my palm, reared back, and was gone
That renegade of beauty engraved romantic
magic on a parched uncluttered plain
and the chained palisades of my heart |
|
Copyright © April 2004 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-05-02 18:25:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93750
Marilyn:
This is the first month I've felt up to critiquing and I owe many, many
more to the web site. I keep meaning to e-mail you; I told Sherri to
forward my reply to you.
In this nature poem, poet's attention centers on one creature: a beautiful
black horse. You apparently encounter the stallion in the wilderness and
that could be very frightening. "He seemed poised for flight, this wild
gallant stallion of strength."
His hoofs of thunder (great) pawed earth's surface
and a falcon *skulked* overhead, vulpine by
nature, he dove then soared across time
and the mystic peaks that prop up heaven. My
being was wrapped in a mantle of fear with
heartbeats that pounded and pulsed at (in?) my chest.
I marked skulked as it is a wonderful word for falcon activity. The other
beautiful imagery that spoke to my senses: "soared across time" and
"the mystic peaks that prop up heaven."
Superlative descriptors, my friend.
The only tired or overused word in the poem is "mantle" of fear. You, the poetess
of the realm, can conjure a crisper phrase than that. "Cloak" is also a cliche
but nothing jumps into my mind at the moment.
Stanza 3, you continue your meeting with the horse and as he flares his nostrils,
you stand still, facing him. Then you put out your hand and he nuzzles it. So
lovely to imagine.
"That renegade of beauty engraved romantic
magic on a parched, uncluttered plain
and the chained palisades of my heart."
Ah, soothing and rewarding for the reader. He broke your defenses, the fences
you keep round your heart. Splendid, Marilyn, simply splendiferous.
I didn't mention your rhymes but enjoyed them as well as your allits such as
coat/color and stallion/strength. But more than the poetics of the piece is
the encounter you describe. How I envy you.
This should be high on the list but this month's list is quite weird, IMO.
Best wishes ever,
Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheryl a kelley On Date: 2004-04-28 09:42:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Marilyn, This is a terrific read the word choice all the way through is terrific. In some places, I just love the way two words you've chosen fall off your tongue together... like 'romantic magic' never realized how fun those words are to say together. Your poem is full of great combinations. The sentence structure is also excellent. There is only one other poem I've read on here (it was by BJ Tate) that has these great long "normal" sentences, that are readable with clear meanings, while capturing rhythm and poetic language. You've definitely left the reader with the feeling of awe at the majestic animal. Nicely done - fun to read. Cheryl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-04-13 13:35:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mom,
You have a real gift for taking a moment in time and making it live for a reader. Once again, this piece, like so many of your others, is brimming with rich images and powerful emotion. You have taught me so much about this form of writing that I am actually beginning to pick out some of the literary devices that you use so well. For instance, the internal rhyme, such as face - embrace, midnight - flight, etc. really adds to the flow and rhythm of the piece. But most of all, your word choices are filled with drama and as the reader, I found myself holding my breath. Now that is powerful writing!
The only suggestion that I would make is to change the spelling of "hoofs" to "hooves" because I think you want the "v" sound to compliment "overhead" and "vulpine". Plus, I think hoofs is hard to pronounce. Just a suggestion :)
This is a winner! Thanks for posting.
Love,
Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-04-12 23:39:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Marilyn--I'm afraid that initially I became Freudian with your post: I misstook "Midnight Stallion"
as a reference to some sexual escapade (sorry 'bout' the figurative thought)-smile. Well, after your
supreb opening line("In the leafless wilderness we stood face to face..."), I revised my thinking. The
tone of this piece feels/reads like the speaker has a love for and heady knowledge of equestrian.
Excellent combinations of metaphoric allits (face to face/coat the color/stallion of strength/peaks
that prop/was wrapped/pounded and pulsed/steed shook/breath of bane)and assorted rhymes, slant/internal/
end, (face/embrace; midnight/flight; vulpine/time; mane/bane; stand/and/hand; renegade/engraved/
palisades; plain/chained) creates vivid imagery of an dream/omen.
The end of the poem seem to have come full circle: "...the leafless wilderness..." could be synonymous with "...parched uncluttered plain..." at any rate the speaker/equestrienne has indeed, been greatly impressed by the confrontation. Thanks for an exhilarating read. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-12 11:38:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667
Marilyn, some really wonderful imagery and action in this one. I see you have used some punctuation. Maybe a little more? [You know me, the punctuation freak.] I only think if some is used, the use should be more or less uniform throughout the piece. If none were used, hesitations should be installed by other means to kind of direct the reader where he/she might read improperly or even become confused. But it contains a lot of really nice rhymes, allits, consonance, etc. Truly a nice read.
In the leafless wilderness we
stood face to face our eyes - [maybe a comma or a line break after "face"?]
locked in a powerful embrace
he stood tall, about sixteen hands
his coat the color of midnight. - [You have a period to end this, but not after "embrace" - nor a semi-colon.]
He seemed poised for flight, this
wild gallant stallion of strength
Beautiful images though!
His hoofs of thunder pawed earth's surface - [how about just "pawed the earth"? Just a thought.]
and a falcon skulked overhead, vulpine by
nature he dove then soared across time and - [nice images here, too, the falcon disappears over the peaks]
the mystic peaks that prop up heaven, my - [I think maybe a period instead of comma? at least a semi-colon?]
being was wrapped in a mantle of fear with
heartbeats that pounded and pulsed at my chest
The steed shook his noble mane
nostrils flared with breath of bane, I
felt weak-kneed but held my stand
and slowly extended my hand - [no period?]
The withers of this regal mustang shivered,
eyes cloaked with doubt but he bent his neck - ["with eyes cloaked in doubt, he bent his neck"?]
muzzled my palm, reared back, and was gone - ["nuzzled" instead?]
That renegade of beauty engraved romantic
magic on a parched uncluttered plain
and the chained palisades of my heart - [A beautiful close! period]
What an experience this was. Wayne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-04-10 20:04:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I'm not sure, but this seems like a dream to me. The poem seems to be written on many levels, and is of love and beauty, of winter and spring in the psyche. This re-birth is all the magic of storm and horse, of barrenness and creativity, of beauty owning the heart and nature. I love the power of the horse. perhaps this is a real horse, or perhaps it is symbolic for sexuality. It is, you tell us, a mustang. Not a pure-bred, but a symbol of wildness and freedom. The last stanza tells us so much about the effect of the horse upon the poet. It revives the poet, frees her and breaks the walls that have surrounded her. As a love poem, I find this excellent. As symbolism, I find it lovely. Good stuff.
Thanks Marilyn!
Rene
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-10 18:05:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ah Marilyn--this thrills me to the BONE! As soon as I saw it was posted I HURRIED to my own new
poems list, else it would get critiqued by others and vanish out of sight! You have put the horse
to paper here, and I can feel his strength and hear your heart pounding! "weak-kneed but held..." your
stand. I can feel the emotion going clear thru me. And the fact that he muzzled your palm is just
incredible--and the fact that you dared stand there. Well it's all just action-filled, and drama--
yes you have captured the drama. "Leafless wilderness"--what a picture (of most of Wyoming--laugh!!)
but what a description--right off the bat I could see you, sense the wildness of it all--country and
horse. Ooh, yes, I have some favorite lines here too--my eyes just search them out and drink them
in--don't yours?
and a falcon skulked overhead, vulpine by
nature he dove then soared across time and
the falcon skulks and soars across time--well, go take a nap Marilyn--you deserve it! What writing--
what pictures.
the mystic peaks that prop up heaven,
This is truly inspired--I guess this has to be the favorite, but there are so many! what to do what to do
The withers of this regal mustang shivered,
withers/shiver---and so do I
eyes cloaked with doubt------that's instinct I guess.
That renegade of beauty engraved romantic
magic on a parched uncluttered plain
and the chained palisades of my heart
Here's another beauty and inspired ending. "uncluttered plain" ties us in with your opening scene
about leafless wilderness. You know I didn't know what to call that country--I was thinking "high
desert" but of course, plain is the word--the right word and the only word for this ending--
chained palisades is a thrill too. (This is gonna do good!) Whew--glad I got to comment--they
go so fast, it seems like I can't look away for a moment--my house looks like it too, but I've been
trying to find my prescription glasses and have turned everything upside down and inside out...to
no avail except the house looks like burglers went thru. Luck! Marcia
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!