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This Poem was Submitted By: Jessica Inman On Date: 2004-04-26 22:11:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The Brew

The boiling brew with breath of bat Stomach of snake and ear of cat The brew is made with terrible things Like eye of newt and two dove wings Toe of frog and leg of lamb Skin of slug and arm of man The things in this they make me sick No not even a teaspoon I would lick The witches with their beady eyes Grab tongues of toads and teeth of flies While the witches stir their brew around The stench of it shakes the ground And that is the end of my short story Of witches with their brew so gory.

Additional Notes:
Dear everyone, Please be gentle with your critiques because I am only 12 years old and this is the first poem I have ever submitted anywhere!! Thank you, Jessica.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-05-06 21:13:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Jessica, this is enchanting, it covers the full titlt of prescribed witches brew, according to what different legends make of it. A little bit of Hollywood also. Personally I liked your ability to rhyme, and you blended (cadence) very artfully , making your choosen linguists roll even so nice from the tongue, it speaks well also, when said outloud. So therefore I liked it a lot, and enjoyed knowing it was written by someone 12 years old, there isn't any doubt, with experience (more), the ability of the poetress to write and hold a readers attention. If you are looking for a technical report, someone else on the Link I'm sure will provide that, I'm really a gut critiquer and respond as to the effect the poem had on me, and it is enjoyable. Where you are even just five years down the road is a marvel, for no doubt, you write well. Good luck, Joanne Morgan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-01 07:52:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16418
Jessica: I am old. Older than dirt. I am a minute bug on your eyebrow, your earlobe, a bug that listens to your thinking. I will be watching and listening. I don't bite. I don't hurt or harm. I am a bug who eats poems. You must feed me every chance you get. As you feed me I will grow. And will become beautiful. I will become you. And you will become me. And when you are old and gray, you can become a bug, too. Take care of me. And I will care for you. Remember: I'm watching.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-04-27 23:34:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.67857
Jessica--You've already captured our attention because you were brave enough to post your poem on the site. You've earned your fellow TPLers respect by sage and excellent use of the additional notes-smile. You've also made at least one new fan (me) because you wrote in rhyme (my favorite form). I'll keep my review short and point out some things that excited me. A combination of end rhymes (bat/cat; things/wings; sick/lick; eyes/flies; around/ground; story/ gory) and very descriptive words (breath of bat; stomach of snake; toe of frog; skin of slug; tongues of toads and teeth of flies; the stench of it shakes the ground) produces some great icky images that touches all the senses. In this piece you've shown an active imagination and a flair for morbid stuff. This may be how Stephen King started-smile. I definitely think you should keep writing. Thanks for sharing your effort with us. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-27 20:09:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57303
Jessica, you needn't beg for mercy when you can pen a poem of this quality, regardless of age. This is the correct length for a sonnet, but not quite the correct rhyme scheme, so I'll call it a combination of miraculous couplets, beautifully constructed, rhymed, metered, and containing many other tools of the true poet, e.g. alliteration and assonance. Only one place did it seem to create a minor hesitation for me. I couldn't quite understand how a stench [smell] could shake the ground, but maybe I am being too realistic for this "witch's brew". :>) Write on, and WELCOME to TPL. Thanks, best wishes. Wayne

This Poem was Critiqued By: cheryl a kelley On Date: 2004-04-27 13:40:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Jessica, what a great way for you to play with language. you have great skill with rhyming and your poem follows nicely - you're consistent with your rhyme scheme! Keep it up! If you keep playing with language like this you're going to have fun expressing all your ideas and experiences for years, and we're all going to have fun reading your ideas. Keep them coming! and welcome... and thanks for letting us know your age. I would keep adding that fact when you post - it allows us to tailor our critiques towards comments that will be helpful to you... Best, Cheryl

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-04-27 09:18:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84000
Hi Jessica, What a wonderful treat you are!! Writing such a piece as this at the age of 12 shows a great budding talent for one so young. Your imagination is to be admired by poets much older than yourself. I hope you will continue to post your work on TPL as you will find many poets with writing skills that will critique your work and mentor you ,as well. I know they have helped me to grow as a poet. There is very little I would change in this poem, the rhyme is great and the content imaginative. It could be tightened up a bit and still not lose the rhyme and meter...such as...'the things in this they make me sick'..could be 'such things as this make me sick' then 'not even a teaspoon I would lick' could be 'nary a teaspoon I would lick'...just a couple of ideas for you to use or lose! I will be anxious to read your next poem...write on little one. Blessings Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-04-27 04:59:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Hi Jessica; This is a wonderful poem that you might want to submit to Owl Magazine or the likes for their Halloween edition. The rhythym is perfect, for as I read it, it sounds like a song. Upon first reading it, I thought that it was quite simple which most poems like this are, but you found a way to include an abstract line "the stench of it shakes the ground". That conjured up all kinds of images in my mind as I imagined how smells might have such an affect on the something inanimate as the ground. You have a wonderful start here for your first poem and I really enjoyed reading this because it is written so clearly. Writing is a hobby that you can do anytime, anywhere and I wish I would have discovered my interest in it at your age. Keep writing and best of luck with your future poems and stories. Mick

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-04-27 01:09:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.47059
Hi Jessica, You have really done a great job with this poem. You have used vivid images to paint a gruesome picture that allows the reader to feel your disgust with the witches' brew. You maintained a good rhyme scheme and with a little tightening, the rhythm would flow even more smoothly. The boiling brew with breath of bat - you used great alliteration with the b's in this line! Stomach of snake and ear of cat The brew is made with terrible things - you might try to substitute a different word for "brew" since you Like eye of newt and two dove wings already used "brew" in the first line Maybe something like: Boiling brew with breath of bat Stomach of snake and ear of cat; Stew made of most terrible things Like eye of newt and two dove wings - just a suggestion By removing the words that aren't absolutely necessary, you can control the meter of the poem. Jessica, you obviously have a flair for writing. The suggestions I offered are not meant to criticize but to encourage. Like you, I have just begun to post poems on this site and have found everyone to be kind and eager to help me grow as a poet. I'm sure they will welcome you in the same way. I enjoyed reading your poem very much! Keep writing. Blessings, Sherri

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