This Poem was Submitted By: zen sutherland On Date: 2004-05-13 00:23:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!
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Copyright © May 2004 zen sutherland
there was another tree
in the garden of eden
not the one the snake twined around
thick with apples made forbidden
but another tree
whose sap oozed love
it healed cuts
and tasted of pomegranites and kiwi
and brought visions of innocence
and smelled of powdered babies
and hummed to itself
and felt like a stolen kiss
when breezes lifted its leaves
to graze our skin
built a tree-house in that tree
was his secret place
not from god who saw it all
but hidden moments from his family
and one day
being without others
alone in his thoughts
while the tree bloomed pink
and dappled light played on his hair
able cried all day
which was a thousand years
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-06-04 19:49:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
zen---bravo! Wonderful fresh, insightful piece--a really orignal tour of that garden--and able. Love the fact
that everything is in lower case--yet, the whole thought process is definitely upper case. There is color here,
and story and remembrances, and originality--all the components of a fabulous piece. I think IMHO, this is real
literature/poetry, and I loved it. Good luck! Marcia
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-06-01 23:47:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This is a great work in simply the premise. All other profundity found here is rooted in this, and springs out like an epiphany moderated. I would like to think that many Christians could look at this and have a perspective change.
I am not sure about your use of "able" here. It would not be beyond any of us to use this as poetic license, but it sounds rather like you meant "Abel" in the biblical context.
The title really sets the stage nicely, and summarizes both the beginning and the end of the classic tale, as well as providing the context change for the view you seek to point out.
Super well done,
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-05-26 19:37:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41667
Zen, a powerful poem. I enjoyed reading this, and did so several times, hesitating to comment until now. Really wonderful imagery throughout. The poem is laden with short i's and "l" alliterations which is good; but, I wonder if at least some of the and's in S2 might be extinguished somehow. The more I read, the more they seemed to distract from the flow of the poem. The surprise ending really makes the poem with the absolute strength it displays in the extraordinary comparison. That would be my only suggestions. Thanks for posting. Peace. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-05-17 09:06:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
I really like this one. I've come back to it a few times and read it over and over again. There's something very appealing and intriguing about it. I like the twist you give to the whole creation story. That's a great way to start a poem if you're ever stuck, just rewrite history a bit and use it to tell/reveal something fresh or different about the human condition. I think that's what you've achieved well with this one. Good work.
I must say that Able is not how you spell his name. So, a minor correction, but his name is spelled, "Abel." I like how your title flows right into the body of the poem. That doesn't always work so well, but it works well here. You are a good story teller. You give just enough info to clue us into what you're talking about and then you weave in the message the poem delivers. The full effect of the meaning is just beyond my reach. I can sense there's something with this ending surrounding the whole "a day is as a thousand years" thing, but I'm not quite sure of your intended meaning. Perhaps you meant to leave it open to interpretation, which is fine, but if you're meaning to have the reader arrive at a specific understanding, you might need to tweak this a bit. Otherwise, I quite enjoyed it. The visual sensory imagery in the middle is very well done. Almost like a "list of things" but it's actually well crafted and a variety of assorted senses and images which fill out the leaves on the tree quite nicely.
Thanks for sharing this one with us. Warm regards,
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-13 17:40:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jillian K Sorenson On Date: 2004-05-13 00:48:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
I like the way you are showing the poem, you are very descriptive with your imagery about how the tree appeals to all the senses. This is a very pretty poem, but it leaves us wondering why able is crying - actually, is this the same "Abel" of "Cain and Abel?" because I believe it is not spelled like it is in your poem. I actually would like to see some more capitalization and punctuation in this poem, I think it would read better if Eden and Abel were capitalized, but I see you don't capitalize your name either, so it's just an opinion. :) Overall, great work, I really enjoyed it. I would like to build a treehouse in this tree myself.
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