This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-06-15 20:04:35 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Spiritoso My fancy soul hungers
for music. Tissue paper
hobbyhorse tunes
of yesterday. Lacy
sheets of lustful
lyrics lying spread
before me.
Drumbeats of heart
drenched wicked
rythem rewound memories.
Mirth and mayhem play
sparkling symbolic runes
to feed my insatiable
Spirit.
My soul starves for Spiritoso. |
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Copyright © June 2004 Jana Buck Hanks
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-07-06 21:55:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.47170
Jana, a very enjoyable and melodic read. Thanks for posting. I noticed a few things I'll merely suggest, and hope it helps.
My fancy soul hungers
for music. Tissue paper - [I'd suggest a hyphen, or ellipsis in place of the period to continue the thought.]
hobbyhorse tunes
of yesterday. Lacy - [...then, only a comma here to just continue the list of music desired.]
sheets of lustful
lyrics lying spread - [Nice "l" allitereation and imagery, but I might drop "lying". Just a thought.]
before me.
Drumbeats of heart
drenched wicked
rythem rewound memories. - [Did you mean "rhythm"?
Mirth and mayhem play - [Again, nice "th" alliteration here.]
sparkling symbolic runes - [the s's make it sing]
to feed my insatiable
Spirit. - [Is the capital needed?]
My soul starves for Spiritoso. - [I keep trying to read this (in the title, too) as Spirituoso, like virtuoso, but don't really know why.]
Best wishes for happiness and peace. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-07-02 11:48:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57143
Jana, that is awesome, I love the comparison of music to material, tissue paper and lace (linen) sheets, that comparison allowed me to hear and feel the music in a way that usually does not happen when reading poems. The alliteration esspecially of the m sounds in the second stanza is also very effective. Nice job with this one. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-06-21 21:02:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
There is so much meaning packed into each phrase of this poem. I feel that I'm just getting the gist of its meaning and if I knew what Spiritoso was I would understand this poem. Gods, I'm going to be trying to figure this out. I have that feeling that, in a flash, I will understand and I'll feel silly for not connecting sooner. Thank you for the puzzle. Kay-Ren
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-06-17 00:07:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana,
Welcome back. I remember thee - sort of.
I really liked the "drenched wicked." Sounds like many a storm i've been in.
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-06-15 21:49:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana:
This poem is as 'animated' as its title. Music lovers will
recognize the musical direction here, and flow with your
words. I love the way you began, with your "fancy soul" --
it is a liberating, delightful thought. The siblilance
in the first six lines and the last three add a fluidity
to this piece that is only part of the delight. It nudges
the sleepy reader with unexpected combinations, like
"fancy soul" and "lustful lyrics" which are naughtily
"lying spread" before the speaker. And the alliteration
of t's in "tissue/tunes" and st's in "starves/Spiritoso"
inform the work with sparkling energy. It's a delightful
treat to unfold this evening, with "tissue paper/hobby horse"
tunes, and a lively cadence. But there's more:
Drumbeats of heart
drenched wicked -- the d's add to the sense of 'drumbeat'
(rythm) rewound memories.
Mirth and mayhem play --and the double m's suggest 'mmm, good!' as in 'chocolate' or?
sparkling symbolic runes --the esoteric touch
to feed my insatiable
Spirit.
My soul starves for Spiritoso.
As spirited a poem as the speaker/writer herself. I think you are definitely back
and 'on a roll' --
Write on, Poet!
My best to you,
Joanne
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