This Poem was Submitted By: Lynda G Smith On Date: 2004-06-29 02:05:58 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!
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Copyright © June 2004 Lynda G Smith
The Black Waltz
I would you were a raven
That you might fly
Upon the wind
Within my soul
The sound of air
To echo in my heart
To wit, to feed, and scrounge
A life, a day
To tumble through the grey
To sun upon my back and roost
Within the knowledge of peers
And feeding upon this ken
And then to follow on the path
Of shared existence.
In vagrant company
we overwhelm the strength
Of the willful few.
Upon the road
A gift of momentary consequence
To thrive in death,
This posture flagrant pose.
We spring upon a chance
To court and dance
The black waltz.
So how is it you flee
When we were meant to be
For life, this mated pair.
The raven knows
The steps even though
He cannot hear the music.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-07-03 10:50:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
The sentiment and flow of this poem grabs me and pulls me along with you. The
title is profoundly perfect and the poignant nature of this piece offers insight
and perspective. I find my mind kind of swaying as I read, as though this is a
dance I have known in my past.
My only criticism is opening with, "I would". It gives pause in an otherwise
wonderfully flowing piece and breifly distracts me. No big deal really...
The line breaks are perfect giving cadence and flow and allowing the reader to digest what
the narrator is relating and yet luring me on to the finish. I love that this is not broken
into stanzas that would break that flow.
The imagry of the raven sunning and roosting upon your back is stunning and I have known this
kind of person and relate to this decription and the betrayed feeling.
Someone has hurt the poet to the core and the reader is left feeling that pain and praying for
healing of the poet's heart.
I have found that writing is one of the most helpful and healing processes for the heart
of a poet. That is actually how I got into poetry in the first place. It helped me to tear
away the ice cold layers of my bitter heart and heal a little at a time.
Thanks for sharing this poem with TPLers.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-07-02 11:38:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57143
Lynda, in literature ravens are sometimes the twins representing thought and memory and sometimes evil spies. I like this poem as it plays on and is made deeper by the image of raven as thought and memory. Your rhyme scheme is unusual in that mostly this poem does not rhyme but occassionally there are rhymed cuplets. The poem has a hint of music in it. Nice job Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-06-30 16:16:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I had promised some short and pithy critiques given the summer silliness and related lack of time. Please don't be discouraged if you don't receive too many critiques in this slow and easy season.
I am intrigued by the dance of the ravens. It kept me captivated after I got by the first line. The first line threw me "I would you were a raven". I was reading "I would wish"..or "I wish"...but being a soul sometimes searching for meanings of metaphors perhaps it has meaning to the more brilliant readers of poetry than me.
The rest of your poem is wonferful. I read with rapid heart beating until the end-stop "of shared existence". Then you switch it up cleverly with three lines before another stop.
Gotta be short here...the ending was perfection! We all hear music subconsciously in the construction drills, winds slapping clothes fluttering next door, and wherever we can find it, but you are speaking to me of the dance of free entities that require not even that. They make their own music, as does your poem. The only change I'd consider is your first line.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-06-30 13:06:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.00000
Hmmmm. Interesting revelation of a psyche. Couldn't help but read this against Poe's Raven, which made the reading a rich experience for me.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-06-29 13:39:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.90000
This poem had an old-world feel to it. I’d loved the ending, when all that the poem alluded to was stated plainly. As I read, the cadence of the poem pulled me along. Even though I had many guess as to the message of this poem, the poem twirled me about and onward. When I reach the end, the music and the words had stopped; I stood faced with knowing that I would die and knowing that most creatures don’t know their fate. I have to agree that they are probably better off for not knowing.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful waltz.
Karen Ann Jacobs aka Kay-Ren
P.S. This poem was perfectly named, in my opinion.
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