This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-08-25 10:18:59 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Customized Love

thin sensuous flesh webs tenderly enfold warm                   fingers            innocent         touch entwined clasp of smoothness  marred by thick golden bands persistent skin compression in our shared child-like sleep my smaller hand slips free  nestling without thought                   inside                 your           supple      palm our accustomed routine safe contentment perfected for decades cradled softly in your hand my fingers wrap securely around your thumb together thus we wander through  my intricate fantasy                  foretasting               tomorrow         manifestations meandering paths quiescently  in cool forest glades  magically touching                  time prints           on the edges  of the wind

Copyright © August 2004 Jana Buck Hanks

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-09-06 16:53:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78378
Pant, pant, pant. I must learn to write this mushy stuff. I like the feeling of the skin and the touch the way you describe it."Foretasting" ... a wonderful word I think You just coined. Thanks. It reads very well and the title is apt.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-09-06 09:44:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
OHMIGOSH!! This condensed version is absolutely awesome. Jana, it reads so well, and moves forward with such a strong pace - only to be dissipated with that gentle breath, the edges of wind. Like a dream itself, really; a dream's such anenergetic thing, yet in the end it dissolves into an after-image, half remembered if we're lucky. "Accustomed" works too. Everything works, as far as I'm concenred. I love it when a poet is open to suggestions and then retains her own voice and words, but also absorbs what she wants from others' ideas. I'm always leery of giving crits that include revision possibilities but you're the dream writer who accepts these in the spirit intended. Love the softness in S1 of all those s/f/w consonants. Hmmm: "marred" is an interesting choice because of the implications - that the wedding bands somehow constitute a barrier as well as a signal of union. One might read into this, that the couple's waking life is somewhat conflicted; but on the verge of sleep, all stresses roll away. Or it could just be literal; the gold bands break the smooth lines of the clasping hands. Lovely work, Jana. This one really shines. Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-08-31 08:34:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana you are so talented........this is so beautiful and I just love the feeling of warmth which comes over me as I read be so united through the years with your lover, friend and most likely soul mate, to allow the wrapping of one hand over the other to soothe you through the night and most likely any other troubles which may have come your way..........the images that come alive as one reads forth through the lines......superb. My husband would not sleep in this way and that now saddens me some.....but still, there is always hope for new beginnings and tomorrows. The closing stanza is most breathtaking as well and I thank you one more time for sharing your talent with us here on the link. God Bless, Be safe, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-08-26 16:49:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Jana: Ah, the title allusion of 'built to fit' love is proved in the flowing, tender lines which seem to run like a river down the page. This is a 'love-meant-to-be' as you show us that there is a oneness on a much deeper level than merely inhabiting the same house or the same bed would indicate. Cut and paste doesn't work for the formatting when I reproduce it here to see it better. It is as artful as anything you've done -- a visual feast as well as auditory banquet, and comfort for the heart. "tenderly/enfold/warm/innocent/touch/child-like/sleep/nestling/safe/contentment/cradled" These are some of the words which seem to form a nebula, a sensory womb of safety and love within which this couple rests harmoniously. Reading it invokes such a deep sense of calm for me that I am almost sleepy - and imagine that this is the kind of comfort for which each reader's heart yearns, which we long to return to as it is like that of the fetus in the uterus before birth. entwined clasp of smoothness marred by thick golden bands --"marred" suggests 'married' as well - brilliant touch persistent skin compression --beautiful sounds here especially in our shared child-like sleep my smaller hand slips free ---I love this! nestling without thought "our accustomed routine" -- You infuse the 'routine' within a sacred peaceful time and space~! "perfected for decades" --Brings a bit of sadness because, like the womb, our residence in this place of "safe contentment" is temporary -- at least as far as life on this side of the veil is concerned. magically touching time prints on the edges of the wind But then you give us a preview, in a sense, of what may be ahead. Your "time prints" make the present contentment extend into infinity somehow. I love it! This is a revision, I think, and it, as far as I can see, is perfect. I wouldn't suggest changing anything, as it is lovely in the truest sense of that word. Brava! Simply wonderful. Blessings to you both, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-08-26 15:22:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38462
Jana, This one was very Hallmarkian I thought. Ok. I'll accept it on those terms, and not chastise you for not writing a poem i would have written. This would be a great Hallmark Card poem: I don't mean that in a negative way. This one just wasn't my style. But it was effective in light of the more limited ambition you set for yourself here. Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-08-25 19:32:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88235
Jana, tender and touching read. Extraordinary form and imagery making for an enjoyable journey with the lovers. One question only: foretasting tomorrow - [should this be "tomorrow's manifestations"?] manifestations Other than that little item, I se nothing else I could suggest for improvement. I enjoyed the serenity and calmness instilled from reading this. Good job. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2004-08-25 15:50:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana, You took me to the sweetest place. Where we wish to always be. In the touch/and grace of whom we love. I truly wish I'd again experience it/ and thus able to write of it. Time's prints on winds edge is good, very good. Most pleasing and most enjoyable. You shared your blessings. thank you, dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-08-25 11:11:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.88889
I must be really thick today, it took several reads for me to decide that webs here is a verb and not a noun here, at least thats what I think. The line: entwined clasp of smoothness marred by thick golden bands persistent skin compression is my fav set of words in this poem, thanks for letting me read it.
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