This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-08-25 10:18:59 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Customized Love thin sensuous flesh webs
tenderly enfold warm
fingers
innocent
touch
entwined clasp of smoothness
marred by thick golden bands
persistent skin compression
in our shared child-like sleep
my smaller hand slips free
nestling without thought
inside
your
supple
palm
our accustomed routine
safe contentment
perfected for decades
cradled softly in your hand
my fingers wrap securely
around your thumb
together thus
we wander through
my intricate fantasy
foretasting
tomorrow
manifestations
meandering paths quiescently
in cool forest glades
magically touching
time prints
on the edges
of the wind
|
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Copyright © August 2004 Jana Buck Hanks
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-09-06 16:53:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78378
Pant, pant, pant. I must learn to write this mushy stuff. I like the feeling of the skin and
the touch the way you describe it."Foretasting" ... a wonderful word I think You just coined.
Thanks. It reads very well and the title is apt.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-09-06 09:44:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
OHMIGOSH!! This condensed version is absolutely awesome. Jana, it reads so well, and moves forward with such a strong pace - only to be dissipated with that gentle breath, the edges of wind. Like a dream itself, really; a dream's such anenergetic thing, yet in the end it dissolves into an after-image, half remembered if we're lucky.
"Accustomed" works too. Everything works, as far as I'm concenred. I love it when a poet is open to suggestions and then retains her own voice and words, but also absorbs what she wants from others' ideas. I'm always leery of giving crits that include revision possibilities but you're the dream writer who accepts these in the spirit intended.
Love the softness in S1 of all those s/f/w consonants.
Hmmm: "marred" is an interesting choice because of the implications - that the wedding bands somehow constitute a barrier as well as a signal of union. One might read into this, that the couple's waking life is somewhat conflicted; but on the verge of sleep, all stresses roll away. Or it could just be literal; the gold bands break the smooth lines of the clasping hands.
Lovely work, Jana. This one really shines.
Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-08-31 08:34:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana you are so talented........this is so beautiful and I just love the feeling of warmth which comes over me as I read it.......to be so united through the years with your lover, friend and most likely soul mate, to allow the wrapping of one hand over the other to soothe you through the night and most likely any other troubles which may have come your way..........the images that come alive as one reads forth through the lines......superb. My husband would not sleep in this way and that now saddens me some.....but still, there is always hope for new beginnings and tomorrows. The closing stanza is most breathtaking as well and I thank you one more time for sharing your talent with us here on the link. God Bless, Be safe, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-08-26 16:49:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Jana:
Ah, the title allusion of 'built to fit' love is proved in the flowing,
tender lines which seem to run like a river down the page. This is a
'love-meant-to-be' as you show us that there is a oneness on a much deeper
level than merely inhabiting the same house or the same bed would indicate.
Cut and paste doesn't work for the formatting when I reproduce it here to
see it better. It is as artful as anything you've done -- a visual feast
as well as auditory banquet, and comfort for the heart.
"tenderly/enfold/warm/innocent/touch/child-like/sleep/nestling/safe/contentment/cradled"
These are some of the words which seem to form a nebula, a sensory womb of safety
and love within which this couple rests harmoniously. Reading it invokes such a
deep sense of calm for me that I am almost sleepy - and imagine that this is
the kind of comfort for which each reader's heart yearns, which we long to
return to as it is like that of the fetus in the uterus before birth.
entwined clasp of smoothness
marred by thick golden bands --"marred" suggests 'married' as well - brilliant touch
persistent skin compression --beautiful sounds here especially
in our shared child-like sleep
my smaller hand slips free ---I love this!
nestling without thought
"our accustomed routine" -- You infuse the 'routine' within a sacred peaceful time and space~!
"perfected for decades" --Brings a bit of sadness because, like the womb, our residence
in this place of "safe contentment" is temporary -- at least as far as life on this
side of the veil is concerned.
magically touching
time prints
on the edges
of the wind
But then you give us a preview, in a sense, of what may be ahead. Your "time prints" make
the present contentment extend into infinity somehow. I love it! This is a revision, I think,
and it, as far as I can see, is perfect. I wouldn't suggest changing anything, as it is
lovely in the truest sense of that word.
Brava! Simply wonderful.
Blessings to you both,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-08-26 15:22:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38462
Jana,
This one was very Hallmarkian I thought. Ok. I'll accept it on those terms, and not chastise you for not writing a poem i would have written. This would be a great Hallmark Card poem: I don't mean that in a negative way.
This one just wasn't my style. But it was effective in light of the more limited ambition you set for yourself here.
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-08-25 19:32:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88235
Jana, tender and touching read. Extraordinary form and imagery making for an enjoyable journey with the lovers. One question only:
foretasting
tomorrow - [should this be "tomorrow's manifestations"?]
manifestations
Other than that little item, I se nothing else I could suggest for improvement. I enjoyed the serenity and calmness instilled from reading this. Good job. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2004-08-25 15:50:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana,
You took me to the sweetest place. Where we wish to always be.
In the touch/and grace of whom we love. I truly wish I'd again experience it/
and thus able to write of it.
Time's prints on winds edge is good, very good.
Most pleasing and most enjoyable. You shared your blessings.
thank you,
dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-08-25 11:11:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.88889
I must be really thick today, it took several reads for me to decide that webs here is a verb and not a noun here, at least thats what I think. The line:
entwined clasp of smoothness
marred by thick golden bands
persistent skin compression
is my fav set of words in this poem, thanks for letting me read it.
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