This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-10-11 17:22:40 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Tree haiku #1
Leaves with brittle stems
tethered to wind-scented limbs,
delicate your dance
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Copyright © October 2004 Joanne M Uppendahl
Additional Notes:
With thanks to Mell for your suggestion of revisiting early poems.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-11-06 20:56:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80769
Dear Joanne,
I thank Mell as well, if that is why we are able to read all these lovely Haiku of yours.
Were they all early writes? And by early when do we mean?(or how early)
This Haiku is quite harmonic. You have woven together some lovely sounds with the soft "i"
of brittle/wind/limbs/delicate and the soft "e" of stems/scented/tethered. Your "m"s echo at
each other, as do your "d"s.
I love the use of tethered here and wind-scented limbs is exoticly delicious! This is a delicate
dance indeed!
Very nicely done!
Can't wait to read Tree #2
Blessings,
Jen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-11-03 12:37:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82353
I loved the great visual I got from this. We get a lot of wind here and I love to watch the trees dance. Great Haiku!
Kay-Ren
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-11-01 22:29:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Joanne,
I loved this a lot…oh, anything you write is loveable! “delicate your dance” – says it all! You properly established the subject in line 1 and line 2 but in line 3 your message exceeds excellence! The third line hit my heart and my thoughts big time! Overall, this one is perfection! I would not see another tree without remembering your lines here...you have given me a fresh and mesmerizing perspective of the subject “Tree”. Thank you and brava!
As always,
Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-10-25 12:13:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
with...hmmmm.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2004-10-24 12:31:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77273
Joanne, this is a very intuitive piece to me. And when I, or anybody reads such, it is always the design that is discoverd, and the reader who choses where that design fits into the scheme of things. I believe you have such an in depth understanding of Clotho, and and the fates of this life that you intuitively write beyond the norm.
Leaves with brittle stems, a line that describes the coming of winter, or early winter, and the last few leaves remain, the season and winds notwithstanding.
tethered to wind scented limbs, Here also I see us all, with bones more brittle, life more tenuous than when we were young, remaining to impart the news of an impending spring if only hope were embraced. I particularly appreciate the "wind-scented limbs", that have weathered again the season of bounty, and now the "scent" which remains is the wisdom and ability learned from many seasons, of how to survive and hold on to life.
delicate your dance, is not that the dance of the last leaves before winter, that as leaves are raked, almost invisibly the dance in the wind is a tribute to the beauty that was, and a fortelling of the beauty that will be. I love the seasons, all of them, but winter is my favorite, it is beautiful, mysterious, tragic, stark, and mostly lays the table for the beauty of spring to overwhelm us. This dance, this dance remains the sole memory of what was, and the delicate balance of beauty.
I really enjoyed this piece Joanne, even if I remain the most long winded of readers.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2004-10-20 19:04:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.07143
Joanne,
Very nice. I couldn't write a haiku to save me.
Yours feels so very femmine. delicates-scented-dance.
Theis is very picturesque in my mind and it feels nice.
My tree limbs usually clash and snarl and revolt.
my best sweet friend
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-10-14 12:36:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.64000
Joanne--Another excellent metaphoric Japanese Verse with, IMO, at least dualistic
meanings: of course there's always the "as stated" and then the not so subtle per-
sonification. At any rate, this haiku made me reflect on human frailness (suicide).
I probably spend too much time "reading into" pieces instead or just enjoying the
visuals created by surface verbiage (it's a personal character flaw): I'm always
looking for clarity where perhaps there is none. I apologize for damaging this "Tree."
Thanks for sharing brief and concise imagery. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-10-13 16:18:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Sky princess:
PLBR feels poorly but had to say thank you for being part of this
Memory Lane Project. Actually Little Sister started it by posting
the haikus which are all beautifully you.
You offered me frogs in your last review and it reminded me of
something Marianne Moore wrote: If you write realistic images of
your garden, the frogs will appear by themselves. Or something close
to that.
I see your making that happen again and again. You take words...fancy
or plain...and arrange them with your little hands and fingers into
the loveliness with which you surround yourself and give to us at TPL.
Whether your body of work is published by the Harvard Press or you opt
to self-publish, Joanne, you must make a gift of them for Bea.
You will likely know when the time is right, you will intuit the age
at which she will understand your poetry and I do not think many adults
see the subtle parts, at least the majority of poets.
Leaves with brittle stems...this sounds like someone departing in a
stiff-legged way, stalking out of the room. In truth a lovely phrase
for autumn when the leaves brittle or their stems do. (We still are
in summer here).
Now, Little Sister, her made a no-no in line two, inadvertently, I'm sure.
There are NO rhymes in haiku and in Texas, limb and stem rhyme. That
brittle stems are tied to boughs, scented by the wind is oh-so-exquisite
and you segue to:
delicate your dance.
A divine picture you've painted, Joanne. Take a tree, brittle its leaves,
let the wind tease its limbs until the tango appears by itself (as Marianne
Moore stated).
I am depleted, dear friend, but thank you for this dedication and most
of all for the lovely poetry that evolved from our mutual mind-meld.
Take care and best wishes with this little dancing poem.
Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2004-10-12 11:45:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
I think your 2nd line makes this the fine work that it is. Many who write haiku focus more on the form than the content. Here your 1st line begins simple enough, and on first glance, one scanning first lines might pass it by. But the 1st sets up the 2nd. While the true beauty of your poem lies in "tethered to wind-scented limbs", the brittle stems speak of coming winter. I can almost smell the autumn in the air, and feel that first chill on the wind. Love the "wind-scented" limbs- such an vivid, original description. And the last line leaves you wanting a little more. I felt a subtle sense of futility while reading this as I also feel watching the leaves turn and fall each year. There is a distinct sadness I find during fall and winter, as dead leaves fall from the trees leaving them naked and exposed. You brought that to me in your words. Nice.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-10-12 09:16:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This is lovely, Jo. In order for it to be perfect though, there should not be personification
as in "your" dance. At least not in traditional haiku.
Perhaps "delicately dance?"
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2004-10-11 18:13:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne,
This is very light and refreshing. When I saw it on my list, I couldn't wait to read it. I knew it would be good. Haiku are always so interesting and creative to me because I know that the writer doesn't have a lot to work with. You have to draw on all of the right words to collect the right meaning in just 3 short lines and sets of syllables.
Leaves with brittle stems (you certainly paint a picture for us here, and you set up the next line)
tethered to wind-scented limbs. (the word tethered is worth a pot of gold in this line, and wind-scented limbs carries on the brittle nature of the limbs; this phrase almost personifies the leaves and stems. The more they take on life, the more we can identify with their state you create or describe in the poem).
delicate your dance (and this line simply beautifies the whole experience. When we think of dancing we think of style, energy, fun and amusement or life).
This haiku is marvelously written with so much creativity. The words and phrases used exemplify the beauty of what you have seen. It's such a statement on life, figuratively. Great haiku. I enjoyed reading it, and thanks for sharing it at TPL this month. I missed the previous versions, but this one is something special.
Latorial
www.latorial.com
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