This Poem was Submitted By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2005-01-04 09:21:57 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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A Right To Rut
Read everything through the lens of insult
all labels libel to the small print sleuths
magnifying the anticontext cult
arming erasers with alternate truths
life swapping comparison shopping spree
of indulgence lounging in comfort's bed
demands of desire tradition free
ornamental branches taken to shred
returning nature spirited away
to an equilibrium of the bland
strike the faithful one by one till decay
come all and embrace a generic brand
raising voices raise eyes constellating
to the multitude of ways elating |
|
Copyright © January 2005 James Edward Schanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2005-02-06 18:18:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi James,
First and foremost, I enjoyed the rhyming “A Right To Rut” and “labels libel”. I also enjoyed the A-B-A-B C-C rhyming format and its 10-syllabication. This sonnet is a well-posited one!
From my comfortable observatory post you have opened my eyes to this magnifying glass that pierced through the truth…
Thanks for the tools you offered…and for allowing your words to channel through our thoughts.
As always,
Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandee L McMullan On Date: 2005-02-03 21:42:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Title: A Right To Rut
One captial letter sets the beginning, however I deem it is misplaced. It promises punctuation but there is none to fill this promise.
First crit if I may suggest is to add punctuation. This will help the reader to define the meaning clearly. Help the reader to know when to stop on a period, pause on a comma. The reader doesn't want to have to guess.
Also, punctuation in this would help with the words ending "ing", I expect some periods would change some of these less action word to present or past tense, therein adding some power and impact to action within this poem.
Some very good stuff as far as images, they need to brought out, set apart as an image with a place of their own. This can be done with the verbs.
This piece starts off with intriguing first line. I like. I am interested to read on.
I like "erasers" being armed, a good image.
This piece could be pared down some to give some impact to lines, and add some quick action delivered to the reader. example:
"returning nature spirited away"
nature returns -- spirited away
to an equilibrium of the bland;
May I suggest, to focus on what needs to be said, a strong beginning needs a tie in with the ending.
The title is interesting and does hit the meaning of the first stanza, imo. but I struggle to grasp how its the rest of the body.
I see the format is an attempt to be sonnet, not sure if it fills this intent.
. . . .
mpony
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-01-31 07:02:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
good structure, nice word flow, images projected with the flare of your pen, enjoyed the sonnet James....thanks for posting and sharing, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Kelly Denise LaBeff On Date: 2005-01-23 05:58:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93750
James, James, James, you are the sonneteer of all sonneteers! There's no compliment I can offer beyond that of my usual praise for once again you toppled the charts "Golden Globally"! Also, there's no editing, no critical review in need of being written for there are no mistakes, no bad boys at large. From now on, I think you should post strictly for educational purposes..for me at least, in this instance, and challenge me, my mind that is so little compared to yours, inasmuch that I might glean morsels, babysteps, tiny, small ones at first, but after say what [?] a 30-year apprenticeship {Yeah, 30-years sounds good. I'll be ready by then..maybe} Anyway, at this point, gusto time, I'll be going for the whole enchilada with all the extras that I can get from the inking well of the master pen, yours! Yep! I know I'm probably like so off kilter....again, but I tried! That's becoming a ritual of mine, but I want you to know that I am putting stock and barrel, lots of time and effort into each of your sonnets because I love them,,,everything about them, their flow, their rhyme, and especically your ability to use vast and enriched language, absolutely - I do! I want to be just like you when I grow up....I wanna write like this..whine! So, since I stressed out so badly over "A Laissez Faire Life" and a little over “Sermonizing Sunday”, too, I decided, to have fun while I read this one and to spend less time on it {Trying to read it exactly like you'd want it read}, but that didn't work because I couldn't stop myself, I've been reading, re-reading, and then reading {!!!!!} again and typing, deleting, thinking, reading more for like __ [blank] hours now...No, I'm not going to tell you how many! You'd be in shock and I can't do that to my favorite sonneteer, now can I?
So, I garnered: (Remember I said, "Kelly, relax, have fun....maybe you'll do a better job for James, let's see if I did.)
Nightmare reality check: Beware, Ye non-“mini-me” replicas! For judgmental, antisocial, hypocritical, stereotyping nitpickers with liberate intentions to cause harm will comb through your life and displace the truth of who you are for one of their own choosing. Intimidated and allured as well, a “mini-me” of them Ill be! Okay, Poof! You are...you're rich and beautiful, Hollywood famous - a social elite! Oh! The grandeur! What a life, royally speaking! Then told without a single restricrion or constriction either, anything was mine, all that the desires of heart was accessible! "Anything? I'm thinking a million dollars and new car." told, "Yes, even those people-ya know, the ones back there,,,them...beneath you...we can buy them or have them moved, whatever, anything...". Feeling the certainity of all the glitters is not gold, I murmured, "Thhhossseee people, I don't feel so well. What's happening? Yikes, my pumpkin’s back. Oops! There I, I mean, the other “pretty me” goes, too!" Sigh! I guess I just wasn't cut out to be that like. SO! Once again, here I am, back to the bare necessity of little ole’ me, hum-drum doldrums included. But then I say , “Hey to myself, look pass those STARRY illusions (disillusioned people-better said) and dream beyond, outside this reality, make your own happiness and bring it here--! Down to earth, there are many ways to add excitement to life without being....you know....that four letter word {ssssh, rich}. Getting something else new like a different perspective, an clean-slate attitude, I think I'll do just that, I'll be down to earth -I want to be me because when all the glitz-n-glory fades away what happens then, who's left-a shell of a person -pretending? I don’t think so! After all, I don't want to become one of those cynical people who look down people like me, on me. >>>>>>>>>>>>So, how'd I do, while I had fun interpreting your sonnet,
-------Do I have a right to rut, did I get any of it, anything? I don't get hurt by constructive comments so shoot it to me straight...I just wish I could hide this review so only you and I could see it,,and no one would think me (what word's good here...okay, I'll use it-)DUMB! Dum,ditty,dum,dum,dum, I do enjoy reading your sonnets, just educate me on its structural context so I can get from it what you intend then we'll all be happy. Thanks for listending to my babble! Loved it once again, James, See you again real soon. ML, Kelly
{Another thing, it is like 5 in the morning here, and I've yet to go to bed, so, please, ignore my many, I'm sure, grammar/spelling mistakes, deal? Great, have a nice Sunday, James! Bye now....}
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-01-13 19:59:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi James,
I
Read everything through the lens of insult [being aware of the deceit] great word/insult!
all labels libel to the small print sleuths
magnifying the anticontext cult
arming erasers with alternate truths
[one must read the small print and try to decipher whats 'actually' in things!]
life swapping comparison shopping spree [we're pretty spoiled]
of indulgence lounging in comfort's bed
demands of desire tradition free
ornamental branches taken to shred [?]
returning nature spirited away to an equilibrium of the bland [yes then we are easier to control]
strike the faithful one by one till decay come all and embrace a generic brand [the spirit decays for sure]
raising voices raise eyes constellating to the multitude of ways elating
[I'm not sure of this/elating? ways to become happy?]
Not bad, I think I got your thought.
Let me know if I'm foiled again.
You are quite an interesting fellow...
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-01-09 12:11:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Another of you fabulous writes James.
To rut, to vent, etc. I like the thoughts that appear in this poem.
Such are the ways and wonders of many writers.
Thanks for sharing.
Latorial
www.latorialfaison.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-01-07 08:00:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
James,
An interesting treatise, not sure whether it is written in irony, or ironing out the wrinkles. A wealth in a few words.
A Right To Rut - Still struggling with the title, will write more after reviewing poem. (Alright – subscript, all sides have an equal right to make their points. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were a regular O’Reilly watcher. Can’t fault that.)
Read everything through the lens of insult
all labels libel to the small print sleuths
magnifying the anticontext cult
arming erasers with alternate truths – Well put. I have quit reading newspapers regularly. Your description of their “selective” verbatim is excellent. Still you went one step farther by asserting that not only do they take things out of context for their own “itinerary”, but they also will “remove” what may bring to light their “larceny”.
life swapping comparison shopping spree
of indulgence lounging in comfort's bed
demands of desire tradition free
ornamental branches taken to shred – Your metaphor is more surreptitious in this stanza. Seems the opulent, (Americans – others?) who wish to be free, are sitting on their arses, refusing to enter the culture war that will, enevitably, destroy the very freedoms that make their lives “comfortable”. If I missed it, I apologize James, enlighten me. J
returning nature spirited away
to an equilibrium of the bland
strike the faithful one by one till decay
come all and embrace a generic brand – The freedoms lost will cede the socialistic view, a gender/political animal farm where everyone looks and owns the same. Of course the ongoing problem with that is the “fat cats” never join in, that is those who have the power.
raising voices raise eyes constellating
to the multitude of ways elating – When one begins to fight back against the erosion of our values, others will hear, and from that, they can halt that erosion.
An interesting piece James. Boy your metaphors make me work!!
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