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This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-01-11 17:05:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Cloudy Outbursts

Sugar-donut clouds flick green leaves with flirty drops, swirl apart as steam. Hives of rain-bees swarm into streams and rivers, sting streets with drizzle. Hanging very still, slicked-back thief clouds menace winter beach walkers.

Additional Notes:
For fun.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2005-02-07 23:06:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Joanne, I apologize for the lateness, but want to at least comment. No need for a score anyway. For fun is right! This is such a playful poem. I love where you take it. It bounces like raindrops on the pavement. Your title is euphonous with the assonance of "Cloudy Outbursts". Nice! The visual of sugar-donut clouds swirling in the sky is delicious, but you turn up the charm a notch more in the next stanza with the hives of rain-bees swarming. The "ST's of steam/stream/sting/streets are a nice touch, adding to the harmonious sounds like listening to the rain pitter patter on the pane. Slicked-back thief clouds! I can see them trying to scare the beach walkers. This is such a unique personification! I'm so glad you wrote this just for fun, this time of year when the freezing rain is spattering at this very moment, it's nice to read some playful muse from one of my favs and have an imagry picnic. I'm going to make a concentrated effort to critique all month instead of waiting till the last minute and running out of time. We'll see if it works. :) I wish I had more time this contest, but oh well. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Kelly Denise LaBeff On Date: 2005-02-04 13:36:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92000
For fun, I'd say! Joanne, I loved it! No one but you could ever express a cloud in two very different...very unique ways and actually get the reader to imagine the visual effect they wanted to create: BUT YOU DID! I see it now.....donut shaped clouds dripping sugary drops of its vapor on the tops of leaves! (WOW) Then you write: rain-bees swarm then sting with drizzle! (GREAT) Lastly you top it off with: thief clouds, slicked-back as all theiving clouds should be, menace winter walking beach goers! (Pizzaz!) Three in a row, all great in texture with each beholding quite a tonic sight! Lovely as always, the best! Kelly

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2005-02-03 12:45:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
HRH, Up, Emeritus: I critiqued about 3/4 of this three days ago and trashed it because I could not "enter" the poem in the manner to which I'm accustomed. I like the personification of clouds and their outbursts; I've had a few outbursts myself lately. And yet when paired with cloud, we expect rain. "Sugar-donut" clouds is an apt simile; Eric loves those powder-puff donuts, sometimes just the holes. Said clouds flick green leaves with *flirty drops,* swirl apart as steam. .......**exquisite**... That is an original, imaginative first tercet. Flick/flirty bounce off each other in the most delightful manner and while my ears are tuned, I hear the assonance of green/leaves/steam. What music you make, grand enchantress, for this reader listens with every pore and hears so much harmony, I cannot list it all. Stanza 2 is merely magnificent with ten sibilant words. I've not heard of "rain-bees" but I love the notion and that they swarm into streams and *sting streets* with .....*apian asphalt*... drizzle. How I long to see a drizzling rain-bee. Or a dazzling rain-Bea! This tercet should be whispered: "Hanging very still, slicked-back thief clouds menace winter beach walkers." Never have I seen a slicked-back thief cloud but I'll know it when I do. Oh, Jo, you love words as much as I and could play with them all day so everything else is forgotten. I miss you so much...I've had several rotten days, then I rally. (I must tell you when I cast my vote for "Reader", it wasn't on the list!) Oh, those unaware beach walkers! Like in a Japanese sci-fi movie, they know all is not right, that something too horrid for words is coming, something that judo or tai chi (sp) won't stop, something so terrible that Chuck Norris has given up kick boxing! Look! Up in the sky! Well, sweet thang, as we say here, you said this poem is 4 fun and I've had enormous fun. Thanks so much for posting and bringing a smile to my face this a.m. Not to forget to comment on the purity and beauty and spareness herein I know this is not a contender but ought to be!! L&K, Mellifluous

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2005-01-29 20:55:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Jo! This is fun! Rain bees and slicked back. Can you do thieves to get the bee rhyme? LOL. Jane

This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-01-26 23:04:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.00000
Joanne, This made my night. The rain droplets coming to flirt and dive into streams and rivers as bees, leaving the streets stung with moisture. The clouds with their slicked back tops lingering to menace the walkers. Sometimes in the winter when I go to enjoy the beaches I long for a quick shower to make everything fresher. Many times the rain shower comes and the sun is still shining. It only lasts for as long as it takes to read your poem and it's invigorating in much the same way. Very good use of poetic device- a rare find of images. Thanks, Troy

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-01-21 06:26:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57143
each cloudy outburst to me appears to be a well written haiku my friend and the images each project goes without saying......the beat is there, the fun is in the viewing of course and once more I thank you for posting.....love those sugar-coated clouds......and hives of rain-bees.........wonderful poet. be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2005-01-18 09:56:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
And fun it is! I am sorry that I have not had time to participate much but I should be freeer next month. I hope al lis well with you. Cloudy Outbursts Sugar-donut clouds [yum] flick green leaves with flirty drops, [it sounds to me as if the clouds have green leaves which is sort of surrealistis and neat - but perhaps not what you intended.j swirl apart as steam. [wonderful] Hives of rain-bees [yes yes!marvelous collective neoglism} swarm into streams and rivers, sting streets with drizzle. [this is descriptive writing at its best - even the verbs sing] Hanging very still, slicked-back thief clouds menace this is ambiguous to me as as it could mean clouds menace [menace is being clouded] or the clouds are menacing] which makes it fun indeed winter beach walkers. yes - i can see you strolling - neat poem best to you, Roni

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-01-12 21:20:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne, a fun piece, and I do mean fun!! Cloudy Outbursts - A human reaction from inanimate objects, that actually are animated whether they are inanimate or not. Excellent. Sugar-donut clouds flick green leaves with flirty drops, swirl apart as steam. - The sugar descending from the clouds, "sugar" of course the second metaphor of the verse meaning, (the shape and granulation - similar to rain drops), but also "sugar" meaning - granting a little lovin', and thus we have the "flirty" drops. We can see the misting from the raindrops hitting, but also the "steam" the third metaphor towards passion, this one of course, being the heat between two lovers. Hives of rain-bees swarm into streams and rivers, sting streets with drizzle. - I like the "rain-bees", an original analogy, as rain often does sting in a hard pouring rainfall. The "swarms" into the streams and rivers reflects well, not only the rain directly into the water, but also that that rain ashore, will collect together "swarm" and enter the rivers. "Sting streets", never thought much, other than enjoying rainfall, of describing the drop as it hits water, but there is the initial quake, then a "stinger" pops up, and ends with almost a "venom sack" formation. Excellent imagery. Hanging very still, slicked-back thief clouds menace winter beach walkers. - I liked "hanging very still", I can see the ominous, looking at the world, almost, Natasha and Boris like. The "humanity" of the look, "menacing" the onlooker, who knows that he/she is powerless to affect the downpour. Finally, we are there, the beach walkers, the "concerned observers" of natures choice. And yet, they still walk the beach. Very fun piece Joanne!!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-01-12 13:51:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Joanne--Great visuals created by a combination of colorful descriptors and metaphors. This tercet of haiku aptly portray differing scenic views involving clouds and subsequent rains: the before, during, and aftermat. Excellednt pick- up of where you left off in 04 with the multiple Japanese Verses. Thanks for the fun-smile. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Patricia Kim On Date: 2005-01-12 12:41:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi, I enjoyed reading your poem. I like how you use your language, brief and visual. The second stanza I thought was the strongest. I can clearly imagine the element of rain when you compare it to a swarm of bees. The swarm of bees seem to be just the right metaphor for strong rain, it expresses the movement of rain so well. I had more trouble conjuring up images for the first and third stanza. Sugar donut clouds sound nice but I was having some trouble conjuring up images of clouds in that way. Perhaps it's just me. The third stanza I found to be the weakest. I am familiar with the idea of 'menacing clouds'. I think you could capture this menacing quality without having to state it outright. Also, the comparison seems a little too common. This stanza does not have that artistic newness of your second stanza. Have you thought of adding more to this piece. Right now it sounds like a sort of exercise. I think it could be bulked up more. For me, I find the strongest poems to be 'message' centered and personal. Did you enjoy rain when little? Does rainy weather or clouds remind you of any people, or any specific events? Patricia

This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-01-11 23:57:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne, I can see that you had a lot of fun with this one. It's different, and really a breath of fresh air considering all that's going on in the world. I think we'll all look at rains and clouds a little differently after this year. I like that you personify the clouds giving them personality and character in every line. It makes me think on how we often take nature for granted often treating it as if its not really there. But this year, nature lets us know what it is capable of. From the earthquake and tsunamis to the flooding in California, we have been forced to recognize what nature and all of the elements can really mean in our lives. Your poem brings out this memory, but it's a good memory because God made all of nature. You give nature authority in these lines. I almost thought I caught on to a pattern as each stanza rolled on by. I like the idea of "flirty drops" and "Hives of rain bees," I had never really thought of those rain patterns in that way, but I will next time I feel a few drops tap me on my forhead, or when it comes down upon me like stinging bees. You have an awesome imagination, moreso a great gift for personifying things that are not human. Although clouds and rain are not human, they are definitely a "real" driving force in our lives. I think you give creedence to however it is they exist with each line of your poem. Congratulations on another good write, even if it is just for "fun." I had fun reading this one. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2005-01-11 23:40:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Joanne, We're supposed to be having some of those outbursts by tomorrow night. "Sugar-donut clouds" great beginning image. My favorite lines, "Hives of rain-bees swarm into streams and rivers, sting streets with drizzle." I love a rainy night as the song goes, or afternoon thunder storms. Makes you wish for a tin roof. Refreshing and appealing to our present seasons spirit. Much enjoyed! I'm going to work this month so my vote will count...ha! My very best, Wanda

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