This Poem was Submitted By: Lynda G Smith On Date: 2005-02-09 18:59:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Beneath the Lilacs
Beneath the bend of lilac bows
In shaded solitude of hours
A jewel lies in onyx skin
Dulled by ebb of life within
Above the monarch’s fragile wing
Fans the air of underling
To ease its way in floral boat
A garden Styx on which to float
Toward the promised earthen tryst
The breeze on stems full ore assist
While I on shore with tears steep banked
That glimpse of memory sacrosanct
will keep me here above the soil
to measure the distance of the toil.
For now I prune the bowers close
Allow the sun to bleach morose
Those kittled thoughts
tranquility
In death to find
serenity.
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Copyright © February 2005 Lynda G Smith
Additional Notes:
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-03-06 23:09:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Lynda,
There's such a lovely cadence running all through this. The diction and floral imagery lend it a rather Victorian atmosphere, as of a lady languishing in her garden while she observes the frailty of life and ponders the ultimate destination of all beings. Possibly she sees in the small insect some intimation of her own passage. The metaphor of the "boat" - the mortal barque on which the creature will travel toward its destiny - is interestingly incongruous when one considers that the garden air, itself, is the river upon which this little one will drift and fall. This Styx is not under the earth, but above it.
Beneath the bend of lilac bows [bowers? boughs? or is this an archery image (bows), to suggest threat?]
In shaded solitude of hours
A jewel lies in onyx skin
Dulled by ebb of life within
The dying insect is beautifully described here. "Onyx skin" is especially lovely; it makes me think of a striped beetle of some kind.
Above the monarch’s fragile wing
Fans the air of underling [I'm not sure if the monarch is fanning the air for a lesser insect, or whether the "air of underling" fans above the wing ... if the former, I think a comma following "above" would clarify]
To ease its way in floral boat
A garden Styx on which to float
I'm now envisioning a butterfly ushering the soul of a lesser insect, as an Egyptian attendant might wave a palm-leaf fan to cool a pharaoh's final fever. This would go with the scarab-like beetle.
Toward the promised earthen tryst
The breeze on stems full ore assist ... terrific rhyme here!
While I on shore with tears steep banked ... very nice imagery
That glimpse of memory sacrosanct ... ditto!
will keep me here above the soil
to measure the distance of the toil.
I'm not sure about "stems full ore" ... should it be stems' (possessive) and maybe "oar"? Would the verb then be "assists" since the subject is "breeze"? I think this line might need a bit of tweaking.
The speaker's glimpse of some remembered passing, perhaps of a loved one, allows her to persevere and perform her life's duties, ever mindful that "the distance of the toil" wil have only one conclusion. Her own tears (another river image) imply sorrow that is vicariously renewed by the death of the tiny garden dweller.
For now I prune the bowers close
Allow the sun to bleach morose
Those kittled thoughts ... love the sound of "kittled" ("puzzled/born/aroused")
tranquility
In death to find
serenity.
Shortening the final four lines is a good technique because it distils the speaker's musings into a sudden and singular longing for the peace of death. The insect will find this; she, too, considers it a not unpleasant prospect. She is aware that the timing is not of her own choosing and that she still must perform the routine of her earthly tasks. But in the small garden drama she sees a condensation of her own experience, I believe.
The language in this piece is exquisite.
Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-03-02 23:52:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lynda:
This is an exquisitely lovely poem which in this reader’s
estimation ranks with the finest I have read anywhere. It
is deeply sad and written with such elegance that it takes
my breath away. My sense is that it is an elegy written
by the author for the one who lies “beneath the bend of
lilac bows.” As such, it seems an intrusion to comment
in the way that I usually do, making note of meter, rhyme,
alliteration, assonance, tone. And yet, these are so finely
done in this poem as to merit exceptional note. I think that
this poem could serve as an example for students of the craft.
Your background in music, art and the natural sciences are all
brought to bear along with linguistic artistry in this piece to
evoke emotion, to bring the expression of grief to a level of
refinement that is both ethereal and substantial.
Beneath the bend of lilac bows
In shaded solitude of hours -- sublime assonance
A jewel lies in onyx skin
That the jewel is not identified makes it mysterious and yet named
by its sacred qualities as jewels are synonymous with precious, priceless gems.
"Dulled by ebb of life within"
What I take from the line above is that the ‘jewel’ is only dulled but
remains yet alive – perhaps in an archetypal realm or the planes beyond
human understanding (the heavens).
Above the monarch’s fragile wing
Fans the air of underling
The spiritual nature of the being who is mourned is suggested by the
element of air, the fragility-yet-royalty of the monarch’s wing.
To ease its way in floral boat
A garden Styx on which to float
These lines are so tenderly written as to bring tears with each reading
for this reader. It’s impossible for me to read this as ‘only’ a poem.
These lines evoke for me all of those creatures I have loved who
are no longer ‘living’ as we understand the term. And yet as long
as we live, those we have loved remain a permanent part of us.
The effect of the word “float” is also soul-stirring, as the image
seems to lift off the page quietly and unobtrusively, as if with intent
to cause as little stir of wind or distress for the one who remains as
possible.
Toward the promised earthen tryst
The breeze on stems full ore assist
There are not words within my grasp just now (or earlier when I attempted
to critique this work) to express the sympathy I feel for the speaker, and
the extent of my own emotional response, for all losses are recalled with
each new realization of the temporary state in which we presently live.
While I on shore with tears steep banked
That glimpse of memory sacrosanct
will keep me here above the soil
to measure the distance of the toil.
It is in our memories that beloved ones continue to live; and yet, it seems
as if we have been ripped apart when we are separated from them. It is
so difficult to accept that what we once held can no longer be held. Even
with belief in reuniting in a world to come, we feel as if part of ourselves
has died as well. But from great sorrow comes great poetry.
For now I prune the bowers close
Allow the sun to bleach morose
Those kittled thoughts
tranquility
In death to find
serenity.
“kittled” suggests both troublesome and an association with felines
to this reader. Forgive me for ‘guessing’ but I could not help but
identify with the grief expressed herein and so many elements in
the work evoke memories for me of loss of my dearest animal
companion.
Transcendent writing – luminous with the love that is felt for the
one who has been lost.
Brava!
I believe that this is your finest work.
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-02-21 11:59:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Hi Lynda,
This is such a lovely poem..the word choices delicious and the rhyming is supberb...never seeming
forced fo the sake of the rhyme. What can be more enchanting than lilacs and butterflys?...'a jewel lies
in onyx skin'...I love this line...tells this reader that there is more wonderment to come....'a garden
Styx on which to float'...the use of Styx here is perfect and I wish I had thought of it!...'that glimpse
of memory sacrosanct' (I had to scurry to my dictionary for this one)..I love new words and this one
is so in keeping with the over all theme of this piece....'for now I prune the bowers close'...I was
hoping you would leave this magical secene alone and re-visit it often but everything needs to be
pruned occasionally. The dead and useless must be cut away to allow room for re-birth..not only in our
gardens but in our existence, as well...'those kilted thoughts'..if I had to choose I think this may be
my favorite line, however since I don't have to choose I can tell you that this is a well written and
compelling piece and I enjoyed every word. Well done..kudos!
Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-02-15 17:37:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.64286
Hi Lynda,
I liked reading this aloud. It flowed smoothly. I like reading rhyming poetry, especially about nature. I thought your wording was excellent/not overbearing [have to research the meaning] type words, but yet smart, confident, fresh, and enjoyable thoughtful words that were perfect for me. I liked garden styx. I’m not thinking there need be any changes.
Subject:A Monarch being born on a lilac
Title: [does it add to the piece?] yes as the monarch’s on the Lilac limbs
Form/content [should compliment each other] Yes it does. The slight shape [hinting of an almost butterfly] doesn’t detract from ‘the word’
Rhyme; was to me full rhyming, but it didn’t feel intrusive.
Meter; It was great.
What is the author's meaning? She found this butterfly cocoon on her lilacs and it brought forth thoughts of their birth passage. And the jewel-like wonder of them.
What is the author's premise or message? She hated to have to trim the lilac and kill the butterfly. She loved nature…
Do I understand or think it’s unclear? Very clear Except did the cocoon die? I think you ended it dying?
What are the author's underlying assumptions? She hated to trim the bush but had no recourse.
The breeze on stems full ore assist [was this ore? Or meant to be one?
The poem was concise, no unnecessary words.
REALLY Enjoyed this greatly,
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-02-11 03:37:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
I am so eager to have my eye surgery this coming week and return to read this one more time for I am sure I am missing something within the lines.......I like the one stanza form you have used, I cannot say I enjoy the lettering though for it has been quite hard for me to read......I do like the word flow as I do see and feel it and the images you have projected with the flare of your pen........in a way it reminds me of mama prior to her passing, it was hard to keep her above the soil, she yearned for the peace, quiet and serenity she knew would wait her in death......thank you for posting, sharing this with us here on the link and for allowing this reader to respond in kind......God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-02-10 15:45:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lynda--Great poetical rhetoric creating some pretty picturesque and
vivid imagery (excellent end rimes producing feast for all the senses).
If I had a nit-pick, it would be a wee bit one--scratch that!! I almost
suggested changing the layout to couplets or some other arrangement (but
it does not affect the contents--so what!!), upon reconsidering--this
unpunctuated ditty allows a quick enjambing read. I truely enjoyed the
taste, tone, sights and sounds. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2005-02-10 11:26:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Wow. This reads like a combination of Auden and Adrianne Rich - on a good day.
Beneath the Lilacs
nice romantic and classic title - promises much - but then it delivers much
Beneath the bend of lilac bows
In shaded solitude of hours
A jewel lies in onyx skin
Dulled by ebb of life within
Poetry does not get much more lovely than that opening
Above the monarch’s fragile wing
Fans the air of underling [adore the above/under paradox here]
To ease its way in floral boat
A garden Styx on which to float
Oh, Oh watch out for the Cerburus - this light easy tripping-tongue stanza is a great
contrast to seriousness of the journey [but then I guess that is the point - as we
are always and ever heading toward that mythic river ]
Toward the promised earthen tryst
The breeze on stems full ore assist [magnificent]
and on shore/full ore assonance is inspired
While I on shore with tears steep banked
That glimpse of memory sacrosanct
I know it would spoil the meter if you removed the word "That"
from the above line but I stumbled trying to see though all those lovingly
"banked" tears. It is a little confusing to me. Perhaps a comma after
steep would make it clearer - or perhaps it is just me.
will keep me here above the soil
to measure the distance of the toil.
For now I prune the bowers close
Allow the sun to bleach morose [wondeful]
Those kittled [what a joy of an adverb!} thoughts
tranquility
In death to find
serenity.
fine ending to a spectacular poem,
Rach
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandee L McMullan On Date: 2005-02-10 03:08:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Title: Beneath the Lilacs
The title is very alluring and strikes a dynamic image for the reader. I could almost smell the scent of Lilacs.
Beginning line sets the tone and scene, very relaxing and a surprise with jewel. This piece is inspirational.
One nit I have is the capitals placed on the beginning of SOME of the lines, this is not done much in modern day, however was popular method of days agone; this distracts the reader and forces a guess as to where the pauses and stops are especially because of no other punctuation except one period.
“to measure the distance of the toil[.]”
If capitals are present they should be consistent throughout, at the beginning of sentences. (lines
& 14 do not have caps)
One alternative is to, perhaps drop the capitals, this would work -- all or nothing with punctuation. However, punctuation is your friend and can lend drama to the piece. Some poems do not need punctuation but in present layout I think this one could use some which would also create sentence structure and assist the reader.
However, another alternative would be couplets, which would lend themselves to the rhyme scheme here and this would give the right to the poem to stand without punctuation. Or use strategic stanza breaks, but I would go with the couplets.
“beneath the bend of lilac bows
in shaded solitude of hours
a jewel lies in onyx skin
dulled by ebb of life within
above the monarch’s fragile wing
fans the air of underling
. . .” etc
The last line would need a fix for couplets:
“those kittled thoughts tranquility
in death to find serenity”
The meter is superbly done; dances the reader through. I enjoyed this read with its unique word choice. Somber ending leaves the reader with an emote of death tying in with life-cycle of monarch as is the natural way. Good one!
. . .
regards
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