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This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2005-02-22 23:18:31 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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verse 69 (Thunder)

Evenfall parade As dancing lights serenade The distant drummer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2005-03-07 22:24:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57143
Ezrah, You never cease to amaze me with your haiku! I can just envision the storm in all its glory! 'Evenfall parade', I can see the storm as it gathers strength marching across the night sky, and hear the cadence of the thunder, the distant drummer. What a poetic show! Great job, Beck

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2005-03-05 20:31:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I love haiku poetry and this is a lovely example of such. I love the image that you caught in your words. It appeals to the eyes and the ears. I also love the rhyme of the first and second lines, and the constant usage of the hard "d" sound through out..very approperiate for your subject and inhanses the effect of your poem..I enjoyed reading this very much. thanks for sharing! Nancy Russell

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2005-03-04 23:19:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Erzahl, didn't think I'd ever get to your haiku, sure glad I have finally made it, my month has been stymed by feeling under the weather, and there were a lot of poems to read and catch up by the absence of being unable to sit at the computer and type, feel better now, I guess the upside is presenting itself, so I'm glad I'm able to comment. I love haiku, it simple application of count and the poets ability to make it meaningful,and present it for the enjoyment of the reader, you caught this one beautifully. I lived in the Lighting capital of the U.S where it thundered and sparks flew from powerful bolts of lighting. Three lines, the first two very descriptive, but the closing line powerful, and I like the assemulation of thunder being equated to a drummer, I picture big kettle drums here, and it leaves me with the images of lighting and thunder, but your linguistics are great, and the poem is very powerful. Once again E. you prove your the King of haiku on TPL, and this poem didn't disappoint, and it maintain a cadance, and intent as presented in the Title (whick we know in transitation of newer haiku in deference to traditional haiku), you carried it off once again, and I'm so glad I could finally comment....Great once again!! Best always, Jo Mo haiku

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-03-04 13:00:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94118
Erzahl, when I read this and reread it, I felt like marching again in the parade, to own a piece of the thunder. Excellent work!! verse 69 (Thunder) – Sometimes I name them, sometimes not, you chose well here. It prepared us, but more, when reading the verse, the distinctiveness of “thunder” is lost in the allowance of its unstated “purpose”. It made us smile, and then recall,. hey, this is thunder, and we would smile again. Evenfall parade – The most beloved by me, thunderstorm in the early evening, where the show is particularly well scripted, seen, and most are awake. You describe a gathering that later in the evening, is not there. As dancing lights serenade – My perspective with weather is different from most, and it is the lightshow that best reveals the grandeur of this “dimension” of the world. The light show, serenading, the tempo keeper of the band, mano a mano, tit for tat, both causing the head to rise. Excellent line. The distant drummer – This is like old town world, you know the parade is coming, you have heard the drummers for a long time, and as each corner is turned, and the drummer comes closer, there is an anticipation. The Dancing lights provide that same anticipation, as the distant drummer, approaches. Erzahl, this is an excellent piece, so glad to have taken the time to read it. Thank You.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-02-27 10:32:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81481
Erzahl-–Good to see your first post of the month. This non-literal Haiku present vivid imagery of natures natural celestial audio/visual displays. This piece could have aptly/easily been titled “Lightening,” as all descriptors supplement/complement/personifies both phenomena. You’ve once again given us a unique and uplifting respite. Thanks for sharing with your fans and friends at TPL. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-02-23 15:30:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54545
Erzahl Espino, I'm not sure of evenfall/I just looked it up! Wow what a nice word for evening coming.... Terrific! Do you know something else that might be cool....electric lights sereande.. But I understand your d's dancing/distant/drummer. They're nice too..... This haiku stuff is fun/I can't do them, I have to always put my emotions in and that doesn't cut it. I like Thunder/the storm God's speaking. ANOTHER HIGH HAIKU! good job, Erzahl/what would be a nickname? Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-02-23 14:06:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Oh Master you have done well. You established the thunder as the distant drummer. Around here thunder is quite rare for some reason. When I lived North on the Canadian Prairies it was quite an occurrence...and loud. Oh m'gosh. There was nothing to muffle the sound. Thanks once again.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Kelly Denise LaBeff On Date: 2005-02-23 12:00:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Erzahl - You've captured nature, it's storming aspect, quite naturally within these lines. I adore this haiku. Yes, thunder follows lightning in distance and it "DRUMS" out quite a roar..you hit that chord perfectly. I see within your verse: the sky is as a band playing-marching in the dark like a parade, with the parade being the universe, just prior to the drummer giving a grand drum roll LIGHTS [lightning]dance, part of the marching sequence, across the sky and serenade...then BOOM, the distant drummer bangggggs! Isn't it grand? You've detailed great visuals! I especially enjoyed the rhyme and cadence within lines one and two, and the summation of line three is superb! I thank you, Erzahl, for sharing this jewel. Kelly

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-02-23 09:15:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69697
Poet....mama used to say ....see the lightening, now count between the thunder roar and you will know how close the storm is to you....... Evenfall parade to me will represent the rain falling from the sky which accompanies the dancing lights serenading the distant drummer on its way through town....... Nice poet, very nice indeed.....good haiku form, image, love the dancing lights especially when they dance over the mountains here in Tully......not large in stature but powerful in view......we have an electrical box on one of the poles in front of the house and if the lightening strikes it wow, there goes the lights, never mind listening for the distant drummer for the boom is instant, the land shakes, rattles and the house moves.......thanks for posting my friend........looking forward to Spring here in New England and a few of these drummers passing through town....God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2005-02-23 07:26:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Erzahl, I love a rainy day, my favorite stay at home time. This piece has a lovely visual feel to it when reading, a summer storm, late evening, lightening dancing across the sky, thunder sounding in the distance. Isn't it funny how when you are young, running in the rain is a joyous occasion (it was for me), then when you become older it is considered not too smart and you refrain from such spontaneous pleasure for all those reasons that adults do things... I think of rain as one of the most sensual words in our language, guess that sounds strange but even in music and movies, that holds true. Of course, storms can be threatening but not in this beautiful Haiku. This is a meadow slick from rain, lightening, bright, but not blinding and thunder's chortle is subtle and tender. You've captured the trueness of nature. I always love your work, Erzahl. My best always, Wanda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandee L McMullan On Date: 2005-02-23 01:25:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92308
Title: Verse 69 (Thunder) AH, the structure 5-7-5, it is haiku; even though haiku is written without title. I love haiku. First word “Evenfall” I am scrambling to figure out what is the meaning, even with its reference to word “thunder” and “parade”. I ponder a guess and wonder if this modifier is an abstraction, I can’t visualize this. Sometimes, when I see a title word for a haiku, I find that this word can be added into the haiku to give it the balance or extra meaning it needs to fulfill itself. This one does, also. imo. thunder parades OR thunder’s parade Or (evening’s parade) > thunder’s parade > dances lights in serenade – > distant drummer Haiku can be less than 17 syllables as above. I love the concepts in this piece; a sense of sound and music in the word parade – a good choice, also the word drummer adds a sound device. The “lights” bring in a visual. good one. . . . regards

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