This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-09-21 10:54:55 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Senyru (train watcher)

I walk between tracks  on gray gravel, leaden clouds return freight train’s roar Death-dealing rumbles, dangerous as steel stallions who run in darkness I curb my letdown, perhaps around the next curve  new trains will greet me

Copyright © September 2005 Joanne M Uppendahl

Additional Notes:
connected senyru


This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-10-06 21:31:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92105
Joanne–-Although this trio/combination of senryu/haiku (both?) have a overall forlorn feel/tone, I really like the visuals/ audio portrayed in the first two strophes:(1) a familiar stroll along a favorite route before turning in for the night with added bonus of banter between train and clouds (relaxing/calming);(2) depiction/analogy agitates the blood (peril excites/entices). However, in stanza #3 surprise twist/turn,scribe appear a wee bit disappointed at train not stopping. IMO, protagonist/“train watcher” is waiting/desiring to become a passenger on one of these locomotives (“bound for glory”); “I curb my letdown, perhaps around the next curve new trains will greet me” Actually I may be far off base, but the piece speaks to me forebod- ingly. Sorry, if I’ve missed your intentions. TLW


This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2005-10-06 20:00:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I walked the tracks as a kid. brings back good memoirs. t. :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jillian K Sorenson On Date: 2005-10-02 16:15:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56250
I like the way you connect these (I know, I've said that before, but it is a great idea so I'll say it again)...I think an epic senyru/haiku would be most novel and interesting. I like the alliteration you used here. I think however that this train watcher appears from the poem a bit suicidal, and I'm fairly sure that wasn't your intent. He/She appears that he is "letdown" because the trains have not hit him seeing as the protaganist is walking "between" the tracks. Just a thought perhaps needs a bit of revision if suicidal train watcher is not your intent and your intent is rather someone who is revelling in the unusual joy of watching trains pass (I like the sounds myself actually). Otherwise excellent work.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2005-09-27 21:51:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
Dear Joanne, So much comes to mind when I read this, it can be read two ways for me. The literal part: as what is happening in each verse - as imagery guides me to the next stanza. The second part: is how one can relate this piece to passages in time - as lives move on. The first verse is omnimous - creates a surreal picture in my mind. I walk between tracks on gray gravel, leaden clouds return freight train’s roar The second is just as onmimous - steel stallions; nice touch, combined with who run in darkness - the thunderous sound that would make. Death-dealing rumbles, dangerous as steel stallions who run in darkness Last verse ends with a great note of sadness. The writer is letdown, but doesn't want the full feeling interrupt more than it could, so hope is revealed as new trains around the curve will bring a better sight. I curb my letdown, perhaps around the next curve new trains will greet me Whew, hope this all makes sense. I'm exhausted tonight, but wanted to do some catching up here. This is a good read, meaningful - and thought provoking. My best to you as always, DeniMari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-09-24 20:43:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne: This sequence evokes mixed emotions in me. It's the ambiguity -- there's either eager curiosity, or unendurable despair. It all boils down to what's meant by "between tracks" and whether those "new trains" around the next curve will merely whoosh past the watcher, or actually run over her. I'm assuming the former, of course. I suspect if it were the latter the expression would be "between rails". But there's still that niggling unease. And also, I don't tend to always view speaker and poet as the same person. I walk between tracks on gray gravel, leaden clouds ... gray, leaden: effective color/texture combinations return freight train’s roar ... a shadow of sound, almost ominous in its implied closeness This could as easily be haiku as senryu -- lately I've read that among "true" Japanese haiku aficionadoes (of which I'm not really one, since I lack expertise) the term "senryu" is always associated with humor. But we have taken the definition several steps away from that and now the human element is enough. I found that interesting. Apparently, many of the earlier senryu were written by Japanese men in their private clubs as a form of recreation, and featured bawdy themes and anti-female biases. I also found this really great page about a major senryu award, with many examples, and thought I'd pass it on: http://www.worldhaikureview.org/3-2/contests_rhblyth03senryu.shtml It's also worth noting that few on the site follow the 5-7-5 pattern (though I always do). I think that this form would be delightful to study! But I digress ... Death-dealing rumbles, ... both noise and a subtle undertone of conflict (like a gang "rumble" or war) dangerous as steel stallions ... lovely image and the alliteration works to suggest speed who run in darkness ... again, a sense of menace; we can't see the enemy at night Yes, here is the threat made more tangible. The speaker seems almost to be daring Fate here; the trains' passages could conceivably suck her into their orbits. I've heard of bystanders being pulled beneath a train's wheels by the force of the air drawing them in. I curb my letdown, ... "curb": cool pun on the bit used to control one of the above stallions! Also, place of safety where the watcher can stand instead of along the rails. perhaps around the next curve ... Nice resonance with "curb/curve" new trains will greet me ... And here is the kicker: greet HOW? If I might make one suggestion, it's to rethink the verb "greet", which is a touchy-feely sort of word and doesn't quite follow from the dangerous-stallion idea in the preceding strophe. "Face" me, maybe? Or just "challenge" without the "me"? (Stallions will challenge all comers, if they're of a mind to do so). "Test me"? "Dare me"? Anyway, it's not a big concern but I thought I'd toss the idea in your direction. I really love the idea of imminent danger and wouldn't have minded seeing it continued to the very end. The poem appeals to me on more than one level - as both a psychological metaphor and a description of a physical and tangible event. Trains do make me nervous if I'm too close to them and the way you've written this piece, it conjures up those old memories of my childhood anxiety. There hasn't been a train around here for fifteen years or so; I miss them now. Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-09-22 22:35:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88636
Joanne, I've struggled with this one and don't know quite why, perhaps I'm just overly scattered of late. I enjoyed it and remembered my childhood fascination with trains. I walk between tracks on gray gravel, leaden clouds return freight train’s roar [yes, the heavy clouds left by the trains not only return their roar but also their scent....both to linger in your mind] Death-dealing rumbles, dangerous as steel stallions who run in darkness [yum, you can just feel the earth shake and sense the power/danger of these steel stallions as they race through the darkness, even if unseen-their presence is felt, their approach something to behold] I curb my letdown, perhaps around the next curve new trains will greet me [living on the edge, seeking something new, unseen yet familiar--ever searching for that which is missing...only you know what it is and only you will recognize it.] Such power, strength and yet a quite lonliness in the middle of all the thunder. Very deep. my warmest always, Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2005-09-22 20:18:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Jo Up, or down? This triple decker, as to form, sound and fast shutter mental picture is correct and acurate imho. The picture is, however, a bit on the trepidation side for the well being of the author. That is, this reminds me of being at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. They have a coal mine inside the building, and you go down in a open cage thru the black and narrow levels of rock to the bottom, and that is really scary! I'm probably in left field on this, however, the last stanza speaks of the disappointment, that is that the train heard, was not coming towards the observer, therefore a hope that the next one could be observed. Or the observer had intentions other than simply watching, that is mentally a "Death-dealing rumbles" wish. Since it is quiet out of my realm, the intent shall remain only a guess. As usual, stimulating construct and verbiage. Peace, Paul
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-09-22 18:14:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86667
Joanne, Steel stallions running in the darkness....down the track, roaring, moving on. And then it's gone too quickly. You must wait for the next one. Feels like you experience the tremendous energy coming from the engine. Loud haunting, fierce. Your watching a train go by........ good job bringing it all to life for the reader. Hugs Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-09-21 12:55:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
SB, Sen Y R U, cheer up!! LOL!! I prefer to watch the clouds instead. Try ice cream instead of "steel stallions" =) T
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-09-21 12:20:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
I hope they won't greet you head on! I never knew of a connected senyru...now I know! This kind of reminds me that there is always another deal, another bargain out there just like the train rounding the corner. This is dark...grey, leaden clouds, death, darkness. Wake up Joanne, there is a light there!
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