This Poem was Submitted By: Joan M Whiteman On Date: 2003-08-27 10:42:47 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Doppler Effect She held her breath as the breeze sighed by,
gently rouging her cheek.
It brought to mind his touch and
the sweet taste of temptation.
She remembered his arrival,
the thrill of the approaching train.
How many rainstorms
have since saddened her soul?
It was all too brief, his presence,
like a flower in early Spring
fading to brown after one day in the sun.
Running deep,
like a silent river,
darker than midnight,
shining with the searing sweat
of an unforgiven martyr.
The whistle blew and
she felt his slight nearness.
She barely touched his offered lips.
A kiss goodbye should be a memory,
not an experience.
The train left. She heard
the wavering sound of distance
fading like forgotten vows.
|
|
Copyright © August 2003 Joan M Whiteman
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2003-09-01 15:51:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86667
Joan,
This poem is so beautifully poignant. You play with time so elequently.
The coming and the going of it all with the breif interlude of actual
presence. It is difficult at times to judge whther we are anticipating
or remembering. This of course is the very essence of these types of
relationships.
This opening line,
"She held her breath as the breeze sighed by,
gently rouging her cheek."
is about as descriptive as poetry gets.
"It brought to mind his touch and
the sweet taste of temptation.
She remembered his arrival,
the thrill of the approaching train."
The transient "t" sounds, so brief, so powerful measured against,
"How many rainstorms
have since saddened her soul?"
the soft sad whisp of the "s" alliterations is perfect.
"It was all too brief, his presence,
like a flower in early Spring
fading to brown after one day in the sun."
This is certainly an adequate phrase, but this poem cries out for
something more. Something universally felt but uniquely expressed.
"Running deep,
like a silent river,
darker than midnight,
shining with the searing sweat
of an unforgiven martyr."
This line, 'shining like the searing sweat of an unforgiven martyr'
this is uniquely stated shared experience I am alluding to. PERFECT!
"The whistle blew and
she felt his slight nearness.
She barely touched his offered lips.
A kiss goodbye should be a memory,
not an experience."
Again, what a marvelous congiguration of time. The juxtapostioning
of a memory, as if the past can exist without a present. And yet
that damned posing for our memories photographs, participating in
the past as it happens...Man O Man...the zeitgeist doesn't get any more
confusing than that.
"The train left. She heard
the wavering sound of distance
fading like forgotten vows."
Those lonesome, drawn out, ever lowering in pitch sounds that fade to
a forever silence, those hollow vows.
I love the title. It so encompasses the spirit of the work.
I look forward to many more of your poems.
Rick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-09-01 14:54:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.26087
This is one of the best peoms about broke relationships I have ever read.
I am there with you and feel the thrill of your love, the sting of your pain
and the depths of your sorrow.
Of course I'm sure everyone has told you how unique and perfect the title is.
The way you coin a phrase just makes me hold my breath to read it. Example:
"She held her breath as the breeze sighed by,
gently rouging her cheek."
Reading the ending I can hear the doppler effect of the trains whistle.
No suggestions for change. this one's on my voting list.
Thanks,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-08-30 13:00:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81481
Dear Joan:
This poem is exquisitely limned. I have read it many times, and felt
a kind of hush come over me. I've delayed responding to it as I've
somewhat overwhelmed by its sadness. It has the kind of poignancy which
lingers long after the reading.
The title is highly intriguing. You have used the 'doppler effect' as
an extended metaphor throughout the piece to great effect.
As the someone or something approaches, the sound waves are compressed
towards the observer. The events between waves diminish, which translate
into an increase in intensity or pitch. As the event recedes, the sound
waves are stretched relative to the observer, causing the intensity to
decrease. By the change in pitch of the sound, we can determine if the
"train" is nearer or speeding away. If we could measure the rate
of change of pitch, we could also estimate the speed of the departing
event. A train whistle would give an excellent example. But here the
approach, the presence and the fading are compressed into intensified
time:
She held her breath as the breeze sighed by,
gently rouging her cheek.
It brought to mind his touch and
the sweet taste of temptation.
She remembered his arrival,
the thrill of the approaching train.
How many rainstorms
have since saddened her soul?
For example, certain words and phrases in the first stanza evoke a sense of longing, as
"held. . .breath/sighed/remembered/rainstorms/saddened."
It was all too brief, his presence,
like a flower in early Spring
fading to brown after one day in the sun.
Running deep,
like a silent river,
darker than midnight,
shining with the searing sweat
of an unforgiven martyr.
And then these words -"brief/fading/brown/deep/silent/midnight/searing/unforgiven"
all seem to reach out from their lines and connect with a reader's own experiences
of loss. A river which runs silently seems to be a metaphor for the sense that time
escapes us, that intense, short relationships, for all of their passion, leave us
yearning for what seems to have eluded us. The phrase "unforgiven martyr" has a
tragic feel, and as a reader I am left with the feeling of relentless Fate denying
this relationship.
The whistle blew and
she felt his slight nearness.
She barely touched his offered lips.
A kiss goodbye should be a memory,
not an experience.
That "the whistle blew" gave me the feeling that the couple had to be wary, covert,
as perhaps a 'whistle' was blown, exposing their perhaps unsanctioned happiness.
The words "martyr" and "should" convey a kind of trapped feeling here, as though
the two people were forced apart by social mores.
The train left. She heard
the wavering sound of distance
fading like forgotten vows.
You make ingenious use of those sounds which evoke deep feelings in readers -
"the wavering sound of distance" not only draws the reader's attention back
to the title, but elicits that sense of melancholy that is nearly universal
when one hears a departing train, especially the whistle. We are not ON
that train, but ones we love are on it, and the space between us becomes
wider and deeper. The final line may allude, with "forgotten vows" to
promises made which were not kept, hopes which were crushed, or of
inevitable parting because of other vows, temporarily "forgotten" by
the one who has left. You've managed artfully to fill this entire poem
with an emotional tug well represented by the titular "Doppler Effect"
Outstanding in every way, Joan. Brava! This is one I shall not forget.
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-08-28 20:21:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.08000
The title of this poem caught my attention, and the story held it close. I particularly like the imagery in the poem, it is not overblown, garish description, rather finely drawn with delicate shadings. for example,
"How many rainstorms
have since saddened her soul?"
Time, the poet says, has passed measured in increments of rainstorms. The tone is set by these lines. The use of water images continues with, "like a silent river" and more specific, "searing sweat". Powerful! The final stanza the imagery works to join title (wavering, fading sound) with the forgotten marriage vows. The poem reads well. The only lines that struck me as a bit out of synch with the rest of the poem were,
"A kiss goodbye should be a memory,
not an experience."
It sounded judgemental to me, which doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, but that is just me.
I really have no concrete suggestions for change as this is well written.
Rene
This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-08-28 17:12:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.44286
Joan,
It only took me 5 reads and a brick to get the affect of the affect. It is me, I was looking too closely and not hearing the train's passage only the inner voice of the woman. How's that for a big, "Dooo". I slowed down the read and there it was.
Did you want cheek or cheeks?
The first stanza was so full of meloncoly to me that I think that is why I lost it. The second stanza is descriptive and I like the comparison to the flowers to express the shortness of the relationship.
I so loved the line "A kiss good bye.....experience" that actually stopped and made me smile with each reading. What a wonderful sense feeling in that expression! And of course, the last stanza ended the affect.
The coming, the stay and the leaving. I am so sorry, that I almost got in my own way with this one. I have a new found respect for tenacity as I would have missed the important read between the lines that I was reading. A befitting title (the swelling in my head is slowly receeding), the bittersweet tone and a wonderful presence with the symbolism.
Thank you for this sharing and important exercise in figurative thinking.
Andrea
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-08-28 10:28:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Innovative title!
She held her breath as the [breeze sighed by,] great phrasemaking here
gently rouging her cheek.
Vivid and alive with color and feeling; this is an excellent beginning
It brought to mind his touch and
the sweet taste of temptation.
She remembered his arrival,
the thrill of the approaching train.
[How many rainstorms
have since saddened her soul?] [wonderful1}
Really nice speculation and more vivid images
It was all too brief, his presence,
like a flower in early Spring [a little ordinary a simile introduction for this extraordinary piece –perhaps just [Like a [name the flower?} fading to brown after one day in the sun]
Running deep,
[-like] a silent river,
darker than midnight,
shining with the searing sweat
of an unforgiven martyr.
these are two great analogies, especially the second one, but together they
seem like a mixed metaphor – it is hard to imagine a river shining with sweat
The ending is quite perfect as it adds dimention and purpose to the poem
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-08-28 08:23:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.92857
Joan I see depth within this poem yet I want more. You have given me a great beginning telling me about the love in a distant place. The memories of how it was and the fruits that were tasted are very apparent yet in the second stanza you bring me too quickly to the outcome and not the love that was shared. In the third stanza you bring me back to reality and awake me from the thoughts. The ending is great for now I see he will never be back. This has great potential, I just want to see the picture more. That is this readers opinion.
Format is fine, structure throws me in the third trying to figure out why you used 5 lines vs 8 except maybe you did have 8 and broke out the last three lines? Very well done and the words were wisely chosen.
Thanks, Tom.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-08-27 15:15:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.96429
like the title...reminds us of the way sound changes as it approaches, departs. Good metaphor to
start with a membrance of a brief relationship. Like the line with "rouging her cheeks"
Suggest in stanza one drop last two lines, concentrate on the metaphor...add sound perhaps, the
train whistle, describe the sound as it approaches, make us hear it, too?
In second stanza a little pruning will strengthen the lines...
"Too brief, his presence..." Can you perhaps keep to the metaphor more in this stanza?
The last two stanzas flow well...great ending.
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!