This Poem was Submitted By: Michael Bird On Date: 2003-09-21 18:47:47 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Occupation,Revelation

Out on a night,hot on the town Running my hand up and down Right inside your gown Occupation Revelation I know you think your too good for me I could love you for all the world to see Passion,oh yeah! Revelation Occupation Walking on down the street  Looking for a pretty girl to meet Loving you would be oh so sweet Occupation Revelation Or is it passion? Pretty girls all over the town,going here and all around Walking here,dancing there,tippy toes on the ground Oh no! not again! Here we go,round and round Out on a night,hot on the town Running my hand up and down Passion! makes the world go round  Revelation Occupation
Copyright © September 2003 Michael Bird

Additional Notes:
From one of those hot nights out on the town

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-07 21:40:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45098
Michael I see this as lyrics for a song with the refrain being the Revelation, Occupation. You have structured this in such a manor as to accommodate song. Couldn't understand why the flip-flop with the refrain unless it was to reflect the question about passion. Now all I need to hear is the music that goes with it. Well done. Thanks for sharing. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-10-04 10:41:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86667
Hi Michael, I am excited to have your poem being on the top of my critiquing list because I think this is my first time to give an input to your artistry. And this excitement is added because of the energy your poem gives. I can relate the vigorous event that you presented here as I usually do this one with my friends going out at night, having fun out there, bar hopping, drinking a bit san miguel light, and the like. It is always an enjoyment hanging up with friends and getting this kind of stuffs and activity. Oh, I miss this so much because it's been quite some time since our last night out party! Anyways... This one is more meaningful because the night out activity is by you and your girl! It is lovely and romantic to note! Oh, yeah, the application of the rhyming seems to give a tune or like a rock sound that goes with the hot activity! I just love reading it with rhythm. I adds more energy to this reader. Occupation,Revelation?...the title is a bit intriguing! The interchange of these two words is interesting! Oh, why is there no space in between the two words in the title? Well, I think it is done to reinforce the close connection between the two! In fact, I noticed that there seems to be a play between them. At first, occupation comes first with revelation, then vice versa, then the placement is interchanged again, then vice versa! Interestingly significant! Just a little comment on this line: I know you think your too good for me --[I think the apostrophe is needed to have "you're" instead of "your" I could love you for all the world to see But, oh, yeah, I can sense the love and passion! I can see humor in this input: Walking on down the street Looking for a pretty girl to meet Loving you would be oh so sweet Looking for a pretty girl to meet? *lol* -right now this is what I am doing! SMILE!!! I am still a batchelor. The mentioning of the pretty girls gives the actually scenario when going night out. The scene is very energetic as you mentioned the going here and all around, walking here dancing there, tippy toes on the ground! By the way, the 't' sound in "tippy/toes" alliterates wonderfully reinforcing the lilting imagery! Allright, I just love the passion in this poem! I should be more energetic on looking for pretty girls to meet! SMILE! Thank you so much for the nice and energetic read! Passion, oh, yeah! Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-09-26 22:46:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44000
This is a merry dance about town! I like the beat of this and wondered if there is music set to this poem? The imagery is clear and visual. The poem flows well from start to finish. I would suggest that the typo of "your" in the third stanza be corrected, and that perhaps the line breaks in stanza 9 could be changed to let the lines be somewhat shorter. This is the only place I had to re-read aloud. I like the passon and youthfull enthusiam of this piece. Thanks for sharing, Rene Fraley
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-22 21:30:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56522
Nice term 'Revelation Occupation' and how often do you take that night on the town my friend? Seems to me it has some pretty interesting places to go and women to see......dance perhaps as you held her close enough to rub your hand up and down right inside her gown.....wow...images you create they just jump out at you.......actually you might get a little dizzy with all the girls all over town but you know Michael this has been a fun piece to read, to find oneself lost within the lines and the sing song effect is superb as well. Thanks for posting, for allowing one to take a night out with one of the guys and to see just how much fun it can be.....be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2003-09-22 21:12:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69231
Hi Michael This sure is revelation, but as far as occupation, I'd say maybe preoccupation might fit better! ha ha Only have one suggestion here. And it more about aesthetics. I don't want to touch your style or your use of words, because this is so personal and within the context of your own experience. I'd condense the lines: "Pretty girls all over the town,going here and all around Walking here,dancing there,tippy toes on the ground" Basically by saying "pretty girls all over the town, you don't need the "all around" part. It's redundancy throws the pace of the poem off I think. Plus, the phrase "going here" would actually sound better as "coming here", or "going there". How bout just: "In the town pretty girls are all around", strutting, sultry; tippy toes on the ground" or whatever changes to bring them more into sync. It's a provocative piece Michael - almost disconcerting in the sense that you are frustrated by all the distractions of youth and temptations.. almost questioning your own motivation to yeild to them. But it's a bold and juicy read, full of anticipation. Good work! Cheerz, T
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-09-22 12:53:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Hi Michael, So this is what guys are thinking as you see them walking up and down the streets? I am not young anymore but I still see guys staring for whatever reason...certainly not "Revelation or Occupation!" This is a fun piece to read..well structured, frank, and revealing as it relates to the male just wanting to meet a special girl that will share his feelings of passion. The repeated phrase..."running my hand up and down"...is sexy and makes this a compelling read. Good luck on your next night out! Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Julie Ann Ruengert On Date: 2003-09-21 22:29:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
The first three lines have 8 sylables, seven sylables, five sylables--I will show you how using the same sylables rhythmically can make a poem flow better. As far as punctuation, there should be a space after the comma. There are other poets who could help you on the punctuation. I'm just going to help you with the rhythum. I'll do it in a way not to change what you are saying in your poem your poem goes Out on a night, hot on the town--8 sylables Running my hand up and down--7 sylables Right inside your gown--5 sylables Occupation--4 Revelation--4 I know you think your to good for me--9 I could love you for all the world to see--10 Passion, oh yeah!--4 Revelation--4 Occupation--4 Then the next three lines would be 8,7,5 like above, an example would be.. Walking on down the narrow street--8 A fair girl, I want to meet--7 To keep, oh so sweet--5 Occupation--4 Revelation--4 Is it passion?--4 Then the next two lines could follow 9,10 to keep the poem flowing, example... Pretty girls walking all over town--9 Dancing, dancing tippy toed on the ground--10 Oh, not again--4 Is it passion?--4 Or isn't it?--4 This is an example to keep the 3 four sylables lines like above Out on a night, hot on the town--8 Running my hand up and down--7 Passion, all around!--5 Revelation--4 Occupation--4 This is just an idea to make the poem flow--I hope it helped. You can use any number of sylables in a poem along with the rhymes to bring out beauty in a poem. I felt passion was your revelation and meeting girls was your occupation.
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