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This Poem was Submitted By: Donna L. Dean On Date: 2003-09-29 00:04:34 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Castles of the Sea

Tide-washed dreams of sadness wipe away the castles the flawed reality, that wishful mind to return in wonderment when memories of sand disappear leaving the builder with a clean slate of imperfections.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-10-05 18:31:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80645
Hi Donna, Oh, this would be my first critique to your artistry eversince my last participation from the link. I've been inactive for a year after graduation because I became busy. Anyway... This poem is cute to look at but oh, it has huge imagery to display! The title itself is enticing for it paints a wonderful imagery. It brings me to an ocean shore and have fun there building castles. Well, the castles of the sea is an idiomatic expression! It speaks of the dreams not yet realized, or a make-believe dreams or deams imprisoned in the steel bars of fantasy. What is working here greatly is the use of metaphor. Though the poem is short, you were able to manage a sutained metaphor. Tears of sadness represented by tides wiped away dreams of make-belive (castles, the flawed reality. I like the way you played metaphor here! Sometime in our lives we keep on wondering and questioning why some of our dreams are not achieved. It seems to be the reality in our life. When we realized that these dreams are far beyond our reach we still have this input (the clean slate) to continue dreaming (building sand castles) and hopefully one point in time we can turn imperfection to perfection. A very short but laconically written piece. More of it! Best regards, Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-30 17:02:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.46032
Tide-washed dreams of sadness wipe away the castles the flawed reality, that wishful mind to return in wonderment when memories of sand disappear leaving the builder with a clean slate of imperfections. Tears as with the tides......wash away dreams of sadness within our lives as does the disappearance of sand castles we build along the way........your words allow the reader to stand on the sandy beach, perhaps working on sand castles most of the day as others walk by and then as the tide comes in stands aside and watches their work slip away as they often do with parts of their life that might have gone bad...dreams that never became reality in one's lifetime....though they might have tried over and over to achieve..... then once its over and the memories are just that, a memory of one's mind, then in reality the builder (perhaps you, I or someone we hardly know) are able to rebuild again and start with a clean slate..... nicely stated poet, great structure in such form and your words do bring forth images as the reader travels on....well it works for me anyway ......thanks for posting and sharing, be safe and God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-09-30 12:40:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Donna beautifully written. I see the tide (tears) wash away the life castles we build. You bring me the physical scene of the tide and relate to life itself. I have seen several poems this month that show me what poetry is all about and this is one of them. I like the length because it gets to the point but still paints a picture. Well done wouldn't change a thing. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Patricia Gibson-Williams On Date: 2003-09-30 02:16:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Donna, I loved the idea that the tide could wash away flawed reality… Castles that have seen better days. Sometimes we feel that it’s too late to start over. Too late for dreams to come true. But each day is a new day and we must strive to remember that yesterday’s damage is usually only seen in our memories. The only suggestion I have is for the final line: Unless I totally missed the point, I believe it should read “ with a slate clean (or cleansed) of imperfections.” I hate missing those little bobbles we make when we type. This was nice. Patti

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dawn Parker On Date: 2003-09-29 16:49:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Donna, I wondered why you posted this poem again after it was done in March? I looked for changes that you might have done but I didn't notice any differences. Since I didn't critique it then, I will now:-) This poem has wonderful imagery and works well with the free flow style. I am having a little trouble understanding the message after several reads, hopefully as I work through this critique I will understand better. To me it speaks from a voice of despair, one that is pessimistic about the nature of reality and doesn't trust the mind to create. The castles...constructed reality... are wiped away by the images of this sad gloomy state. Where the builder can once again create more unstable sand castles that are not permanent or strong and will be subject to the emotional "tide" again. Interesting poem, you are making me stretch to figure out the meaning and I like a challenge! Thanks for sharing! Dawn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2003-09-29 12:32:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Donna, This poem is clear,crisp and blunt with such dark undertone. I enjoyed the imagery, I could nearly smell salt water as I was reading. I enjoyed the long/short tempo that you have created. I absolutly love the contrast of the last line. The depth of this piece more than creates the visual effects in such short form. The lack of punctuation and capitalization adds to the asthetics in its simplistic, natural form. very nice piece. Dan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2003-09-29 09:38:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.43478
Hi Donna! You romance the soul with sentiment in this short, but rich verbal appetizer. You've captured some very soulful truths here, disguised in an element of nature. Single words, poking out in the first 3 lines, spark a feeling of remote melancholy, which adds dimension without dominating in this beautiful free versed creation. With that said, I tried expressing this in a more condensed way, curious to see if it might enhance or change it's effect, and this is what I came up with: "Tide-washed castles - easy to picture tide washed castles instead of dreams eroding dreams of sadness - switching nouns in 1st & 2nd line, give clearer imagery without daunting meaning wishful minds; flawed realities rebounds in wonderment - using a verb like "rebounds" define the thought in line 3, might "lift this line more than "returns" as memories erode in the sand - just a different way to modify the previous thoughts presenting the builder - "presenting" gives the feeling of newness than "leaving", since it seems you want to bring the feeling of second chances here a clean slate of imperfections" - this one's perfect as is. Hope you don't see this critique as critical, because I think you did a great job of communicating your feelings here. My suggestions don't make or break the poem, they're simply a different arrangement of the same poignant thoughts, and I really enjoyed the imagery you conveyed! Cheerz, T

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