This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-10-15 12:39:14 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Drought Ecru grass crackles neath my feet arid desolation saddens the green
Where gardens smiled
A ruthless sun suspended in cloudless sky scorches earth as weeds
Wilt in shapeless ruin
Water robbing winds moan amidst leaves as the rosy blush
Of life flees
Ebon and ocher pansy faces frown at the Danu of death, roots grab the
Glebe with idle grit
Peachy poppies with hunched backs bear down to yield birth of their seeds
To an expectant garden
Marigolds still standing stare skyward defying Helios with his inflamed ire.
Scourged by drought
The ravaged ground splits and cracks as my barren herbage feebly awaits
Winter's cape of snow |
|
Copyright © October 2003 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-11-05 08:22:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55000
My spirit is saddened to know such things happen to the earth we so love to watch grow and bloom into full color come springtime....the beginning of new life and here in Tully very seldom, if at any time, have I witnessed what you have written within the lines above.......to plant my grden and then to watch it wither and die from lack of water is such a horrible thought let alone sight yet your words have brought forth such images.....over and over again along with the flowers that burst forth on their own probably wishing they had ventured to another place and time.....hopefully the winter's cap of snow from the mountains that surround your area will bring forth enough snow to fill those rivers and spaces yet it seems to me that the sun sits in that cloudless sky tormenting what is below........Again, you have structured this piece well, you have taken each part of plant life and shown us how lack of water and resources alters life not only human but plant and vegetable as well and what of the animals......how they too must be affected by this lack of water in your area.....I so worry about the wildlife for I love to find them all in each their own season......thanks for posting, you be safe now and may the Lord send you a shower that continues softly for many days to come......softly I say for that is the only way it will nourish your land and your spirit as well.
God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2003-10-31 15:15:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn:
What a stunning, marvelous display of poetic prowess! I was attracted by the
title (and the poet's name) because I have endured several droughts in Texas
and there's little to compare with lack of water.
One of my friends, Elmer Kelton, wrote a wondrous book, "The Time It Never
Rained" and it remains my favorite of all his books. My father enjoyed the
book so much and it was gratifying (after his death) to tell Elmer how much
my father had enjoyed his writing.
I certainly divagated but the theme has a great deal of personal meaning for
me. Your format of couplets in free verse is eye-appealing and were I to
cite every poetic device, it would require reams of paper.
"Ecru grass crackles neath my feet, arid desolation saddens the green
Where gardens smiled.
A ruthless sun suspended in cloudless sky scorches earth as weeds
Wilt in shapeless ruin."
Grand opening. "Ecru grass crackles" provide the loveliest sounds and the
personification of gardens works well. Eleven sibilant sounds grace the second
couplet along with "sun suspended" and "sky scorches"...three perfect allits
when "weeds wilt" is added.
"Water-robbing winds moan amidst leaves as the rosy blush
Of life flees.
Ebon and ocher pansy faces frown at the Danu of death, roots grab
(The) glebe with idle grit."
Simply incredible imagery here...the moaning of the wind as it deprives the
greenery of its water and the rosy blush of life departs. I especially like
"ebon and ocher" and your allits continue with faces/frown (another personification
of pansies) Danu/death and grab/glebe/grit.
"Of death" seems redundant as Danu is goddess of death. Minor and picky.
"*Peachy poppies* with hunched *backs bear* down to yield *birth* of their seeds
To an expectant garden.
Marigolds *still standing stare skyward* defying Helios with his inflamed ire.
Scourged by drought,
The ravaged ground splits and cracks as my barren herbage feebly awaits
Winter's cape of snow."
I particularly like the word choice "expectant" to modify garden as it receives
seeds of the poppies. Then you end with the seasons cycling to bring moisture
of winter snow and so forth.
I haven't mentioned assonance, internal rhymes, etc, as there is a plethora of
same. I enormously enjoyed this poem, Marilyn; your best extant. I remember when
I used to noodle around with your work...my friend, you do not need any tinkering
at this stage of your poetry writing.
I am in awe of what you accomplished in "Drought" and wish you the best with it.
Clearly a winner. Congrats, brava, and kudos.
Best always,
Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-10-28 12:48:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Dear Marilyn,
I have been admiring this poem all month.
It is such a painting of a poem. And the alliteration is lovely. It is quite dramatic but how can you not be dramatic about a scene like this?
At the end, I have a urge to have the poem turn to the human, aknowledge the human that judges the scene--but I think we know she is there.
Thanks so much,
Jane
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-10-22 19:06:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94444
Marilyn:
This is an incredibly richly-textured piece, which is alive with color, sound, motion
and strong verbal imagery. I read it aloud, with deep enjoyment and a sense of really
comprehending the title's "Drought" in a new and more profound way. When I did so, I
found myself pausing at intervals when I needed to breathe, and the idea occurred
to me then that making your line breaks at those intervals might enhance the flow
of this masterfully-written work. However, the long, drawn-out lines *are* like the
suffering of seemingly endless drought, however, and perhaps you are showing us
this with the line length. In that case, please disregard this suggestion. You
are the artist! You accomplish word-magic here.
Ecru grass crackles neath my feet
arid desolation saddens (the) green
Where gardens smiled
Ahhh - the allit. sounds of hard 'c' in "ecru/crackles" are superbly done. The
assonance of "crackles/saddens" and "feet/green" completely immerse me as a
reader in this surround. The past tense of "gardens smiled" is understated,
whimsical, and shows us your tenderness for those no longer smiling gardens.
A ruthless sun suspended in cloudless sky
scorches earth as weeds
Wilt in shapeless ruin
Oh, and the sibilance! - and the multiple u's ululating in a type of cry, the
kind which could emerge from dry land, grass and weeds is aptly mournful here.
Water robbing winds moan ---WONDERFUL!
amidst leaves as the rosy blush
Of life flees
It is almost as if reading this intensely imagistic poem causes desiccation in
my bones and joints. I can literally feel the life ebbing. But next is the
strophe which made me sit back in wonder. The sounds here are consummate,
impeccable, and the imagery at its starkest --
Ebon and ocher pansy faces frown
at the Danu of death, roots grab
the Glebe with idle grit
Stunning ironic twist to have the Danu (Earth-mother-goddess) representing death.
Highly original phrasing in this strophe makes it a stand-out at least in this
reader's estimation. "Danu of death" and "roots grab the Glebe with idle grit"
are incredible linguistic feats. I looked to find "glebe" as a term for soil.
That you have capitalized it gives it specificity. Amazingly deft handling in this
personification:
Peachy poppies with hunched backs
bear down to yield birth of their seeds
To an expectant garden
The saving grace of the fecundity of nature is displayed with artistic flair
par excellence here. The image of the seeds, the archetypal symbol of new
beginnings, whether "seeds of consciousness" or of hope and kindness, to
germinate in an "expectant garden." What splendid wordplay! The double
meaning or layers of meaning in "bear" as in birth pains, or as in bear
fruit - and the "expectant" garden which is at once hopeful and pregnant.
I am rambling, as I tend to do when I am excited about a poem. I can't
decide what is most thrilling here - your magnificent diction, the sense
of hopefulness I feel inside when I read these words, or the thrill at
finding a poem which I truly love. This one speaks to me of the underlying
LIFE within all created things, which will not be denied nor destroyed,
placed there by the Creator.
Marigolds still standing stare skyward
defying Helios with his inflamed ire.
Scourged by drought
I love the thought of the empowered marigolds, "defying Helios with his inflamed
ire" like a celestial Rumplestiltskin. As if that weren't enough, you exceed it
with the final line in this strophe's sound pattern: "scourged by drought"
The ravaged ground splits and cracks
as my barren herbage feebly awaits
Winter's cape of snow
I think having "crackled" and "cracks" in the same poem emphasizes the 'c' and 'cra'
sounds, and calls upon us as readers to surrender to the split ground, to await
the comfort of "Winter's cape of snow." Surely, this garden will prove once again
that life itself is indestructible.
I find in this poem a powerful and sublimely beautiful metaphor for life and death.
Though our bodies may die, though we may be "scourged by drought" (physical or
spiritual) in our weakness we shall be sheltered and reborn by the grace of God.
These gardens which no longer smile, (perhaps a parallel to the original Garden?)
will smile once more! This poem gives hope: The "seeds" have been sown, and though
we are covered over by "Winter's cape of snow" (death) we too shall grow once more.
Wondrous, marvelous work, Marilyn.
Take a bow - brava! - and brava again.
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-10-18 10:44:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lovely sounds and rhythms make this poem "crackle" with a sort of dry splendor in the grass.
Ecru grass crackles neath [using "under" may be a syllable too long but it might still
be a little better than the archaic use of "neath'] my feet arid desolation saddens the green
Where gardens smiled
"saddens the green" is a magnificent expression. Your vowels flow in this poem - a sort
of soft undercoat to the formal cadence.
A ruthless sun suspended in cloudless sky scorches earth as weeds
Wilt in shapeless ruin
Personification at its best - here and throughout this piece!
Water robbing winds moan amidst leaves as the rosy blush
Of life flees
I love the way you engage all our senses
Ebon and ocher pansy faces frown at the Danu of death, roots grab the
Glebe with idle grit
wonderful luscious, fresh words! "Idle grit" is marvelous
Peachy poppies with hunched backs bear down to yield birth of their seeds
To an expectant garden
If you find another word for "peachy" this line alone would be worthy of a national prize.
Marigolds still standing stare skyward defying Helios with his inflamed ire.
Scourged by drought
use of soft and hard I sounds: Marigolds/defying/Helios/skyward/ inflamed/ire is brilliant here
The ravaged ground splits and cracks as my barren herbage feebly awaits
Winter's cape of snow
As lovely as the last line is -- I wish it were something more liquid than snow.
Something that seeps into the ground and feels really really wet in a
way that snow does not quite capture. This is a major acheivment of a poem
Marilyn. Brava.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tanner Dale West On Date: 2003-10-17 20:01:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hello Grammy,
The books are closed tonight...I needed some fresh air.
I guess I am in a somewhat unique position, because I that your poem is about the drought that has lagued your poor yard since Spring. It seems that these Wyoming droughts are getting longer each year.
I can picture walking across your back yard...it saddens you...especially as you remember how beatiful it was, and how much work you put into it.
I like how you have personifed just about everything: sad greens, smiling gardens, ruthless sun, robbing winds...As always, you use words that I must look up. You are to thank for the oil stains that saturate my Dictionary pages from the countless words that I have looked up from your poems.
My favorite part of this poem is the defiance of the Marigolds...they know it is futile, yet they stand tall...
The alliteration that you scatter throughout your poem adds a playful tone...which makes me think that you are not yet fully broken, that you have not given up all hope, that you will be out there as soon as Spring springs, and that you will once more love your beatiful yard.
Also, living in Texas, I hear people complain about "droughts" almost every year...however, during our droughts we get more rain than you do during your best rainfall years. We don't even know what cracks look like...
I love the poem, I think it says quite a bit more than exactly what it says.
Tanner
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-10-15 21:50:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Wow Marilyn, how expressive can one be in the description of the drough. My mouth is parched just thinking and imbibing all your great descriptive use in this poem, that certainly conveys a drought, especially with the sun drying the earth, to grounds spliting awaiting that cap of snow to give life sustaining water. No my fiend you more then in usage of your couplets have brought this reader to the brink of full awareness, to your wonderful use of plant life, the colors, the sulliness of their withstanding the brutality of the sun ravaging, and scourching the earth, as mere mortal watch, incapable of stopping this beastly scene, that snow cap sounds wonderfully refreshing to this parched mouth mortal. Was the syntax, and formation of expression lost, no way Marilyn. Actually I'm so secretly pleased to see this artistic full of life and death, the throes of Mother Nature, in command, not mere mortals such as we.
Wonderful skill you demonstrate here, fully engages the reader, and maybe even the lack of poetic ability on my part can possible respond and say, IMPRESSIVE!!
Love and Best of luck Jo Mo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-10-15 20:50:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
quite a picture of dessicated garden.
in first line would definitely benefit from a comma after feet.
Suggest "foliage" vs. "herbage" before feebly in last lines.
I love the vision of Marigolds defying the sun. Also the texture of the sound of
the ecru grasses in stanza 1.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-10-15 13:12:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.75000
Marilyn--Loved the lines placement and different font (quite eye catching). Are there any annuals you didn't list--smile. The importance of water and sunlight can never be over stated. a hot sun over an extended
period, burning down on any surface without the cooling, nourishing life giving force of water--will not endure. Conversely, an over abundance of this same 'Water' can cause havoc. I guess what I am trying to say--is when working in concert--the two most important elements would not lay waste to "... the green where gardens smiled". This is a very grim picture you've drawn for us, poet, but realistic. Your description is
great about this small 'waste land' garden. However, hope spring from "...awaits winter's cape of snow". Thanks for reminding us, everything is not pretty all the time. TLW
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