This Poem was Submitted By: Eddie S. Iris On Date: 2003-10-19 15:01:00 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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A Thousand Vacant Bodies
the stars weren't out tonight
they were sick
they left us too
the sky was jet-black and beautiful
calling out to us
telling us to find peace through the bullet
pull that trigger
tighten that noose
swallow the whole bottle
douse yourself in kerosene
and light that fucking match
mass suicide in suburbia
no one notices the dead bodies piling up on the edge of town
how can you ignore that smell
how can you disregard the screaming
how can you not notice a thousand vacant bodies marching past
why can't you just look into the face of your child
and ask if he's okay
why do you let your friends slit their wrists and
why do you hand out the guns?
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Copyright © October 2003 Eddie S. Iris
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-11-06 09:35:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.65789
Wow
Eddie, if this doesn't shake at least a few people awake, I don't know what would.
Very guttsy, compelling and thought provoking piece.
"A Thousand Vacant Bodies" is a name that grabs our attention and doesn't let go.
And the poem just keeps a tight grip on my arm, holding me there to the end.
Even the stars are sick of us for the incredably thoughtless way we live our lives.
Since the beauty of the stars can't hypnotize us into acting like we care about our own
the completely blackened sky suggests plenty of ideas on how to take care of the problem!
Nicely done, poet!This has a huge impact for this reader!
And why would we think anyone would notice we were stinking up the place?
They never noticed before, did they?
Thank you for a very profound work.
I hope to see more of your poetry, Eddie
my best,
jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-10-31 17:41:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Hello Eddie, Welcome aboard, sure glad Rick talked to you about RhePoeticLink, and that you've
joined us.
As I read the poem I was struck how vital and true your title speaks, for you have managed to encapsulate the whole scenario of societies woes. We sit back and don't take action, are we unaware of the slaughter to groups, and suicide of individuals? You poem is strongly worded, but it is very potent, and your linguist bent is current that anyone reading your intent would have to be effected by the projection.
Thousand vacant bodies, literally piling up, and continuing to mass like sticks of discarged corded word, never to serve a useful purpose, because weaponary, and thrust in todays society is more violent in that it takes in cultures with a complete disregard for life, groups, and creates despair in individuals.
The poem is simply worded, in a running format that makes it easy for the reader to follow, but more so then the stle or linguists, is the intent you protray, for you encapsulate the ills of humankind, no regard for human life.
I like the poem, it causes reflection and an admiration that a writer could compose so powerful a thrust. So it's a great start here, and I hope you continue on. You couldn't have a better mentor the Rick, he's becoming one heralded writer here, all of us look foreward to his submissions, I think because he shows us ourselves, and cites circumstances that are such human traits, that he makes us aware, as this poem from you does also.
Wonderful start Eddie, it's all a learning process, and I've found I've learned more about writing and understanding poetry from the learned membership here on TPL. Good luck and write more, really enjoyed the poem.
Best regards, Jo Morgan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-10-20 14:19:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93333
Dear Eddie:
The impact of this poem is such that I was unable to respond on first reading.
You touch upon a very personal issue for me, and an important topic (to say the least)
in our day. On a personal note, I lost my own son to suicide - the anniversary date is
next Wednesday. If your poem awakens one reader, stimulates conversation, encourages
a parent to talk more with a child, it is more than worth the effort. You aptly define
the hopelessness, the alienation and the anger that often precedes this self-destructive
act. It is impossible to read the poem and have no emotions about it. In my opinion,
this is the work of poetry - to leave the reader feeling something different than
when they began to read. I think that this poem definitely deserves a wider audience,
and is certainly one I feel would be well presented at a poetry reading.
the stars weren't out tonight
they were sick
they left us too
the sky was jet-black and beautiful
calling out to us
telling us to find peace through the bullet
That there is little peace in the world places the responsibility squarely on the shoulders
of the reader. The often-accepted solution to conflict is violence. You've used the absence
of stars to depict the absence of light, of hope. The void beckons; self-annihiliation seems
the only solution to the seeming purposelessness of life in a world of no-hope. Roger Moore
in "Bowling for Columbine" commented on the pervasiveness of violence and guns in our
(American) society. A society which fails to acknowledge the effect on youth of the
culture of violence is one which, in effect, turns its back on them. Bringing these
thoughts into the open is the best way to change what is happening.
pull that trigger
tighten that noose
swallow the whole bottle
douse yourself in kerosene
and light that fucking match
mass suicide in suburbia
Here we are reminded of Columbine, other school shootings, other individual acts of desperation!
no one notices the dead bodies piling up on the edge of town
how can you ignore that smell
how can you disregard the screaming
how can you not notice a thousand vacant bodies marching past - excellent!
why can't you just look into the face of your child
and ask if he's okay
why do you let your friends slit their wrists and
why do you hand out the guns?
I read somewhere in a book about writing poetry that we should never write about
"the dead dog lying in the road" - that is, never offend our reader's sensibilities.
I think that *breaking* that so-called rule is key here in this poem, which may serve
as a wake-up call to the complacent. To the neighbor, parent, teacher, friend of
someone who may be prevented from taking an irretrievable step. Perhaps we are not
so much complacent as fearful. To turn away from that fear and denial and to look
directly at the situation is what you ask us to do in this poem. I think that your
title is stunning, and that the line - "how can you not notice a thousand vacant bodies
marching past" is incredible use of the power of poetry to stir and to awaken. Keep
speaking out, and I, for one, shall be listening.
Brava!
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-10-19 18:49:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.12500
Eddie--This is my first time seeing your work. It certainly got my attention. This could easily be call "Dark Poetry", but it's good. It definitely has a certain shock value which is labeled through the use of some troubling topics. Again good, because although morbid, these issues are daily occurrences. However, in this mist of it all your line, "why can't you just look into the face of your child and ask if he's okay", Whew!! Powerful reality. Throughout the piece only a single punctuation--at the very end. This allows the reader to go at his or her pace, pausing and or stopping (or not), making their own tempo. The varying lenghts of the lines also added a choppy staccato (excellent effect combination). The totality of the piece moved me. Thanks for sharing on TPL. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-10-19 17:49:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Poet: First of all, welcome to TPL....this piece is gut wrenching to say the least....
It asks so many questions for which we have no answers......Your opening lines concerning the stars "they were sick, they left us too." Why after a million or so years of appearing nightly in the sky would they want to leave us? Suicide is also described in many different ways "Pull that trigger...tighten that noose...swallow the whole bottle... douse yourself in karosene and light that...match" all very effective ways to do yourself in. All very sad thoughts for one to think about as well. "why do you hand out guns?" God only knows why. The world is a frightening place and we read of tragedy on a daily basis of one kind or another......Just the other day there were shootings in the school again and two students died at the hands of a friend......sadness which shall hold forever within the lives of the families, friends and even the young man that pulled the trigger...... This poem is well written and well structured with good word flow allowing the reader to feel, see, her, and become a part of the emotions contained within.
It seeks answers to many questions which never get answered as well.
Thanks for posting and sharing this with us. Be safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-10-19 17:13:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.12500
Dear Eddie,
welcome to TPL and I must compliment you on this gut wrenching piece.
It asks so many questions that are on the minds of many and none of us
know who has the answers and perhaps no human soul does. The manner in
which you begin this poem using the stars as the last straw..."they were
sick, they left us too." This is a line of resignation...why not leave
us after millions of years...everyone else has. Then you make use of
some very powerful words to describe the many ways to commit suicide...
"Pull that trigger...tighten that noose...swallow the whole bottle...
douse yourself in karosene and light that...match" all very effective
ways to do yourself in. I live in the Rockies in a town of about
55,000 and just last week two high school boys committed suicide. such a
useless way to die...when my husband died he fought death every step of
the way. "Why can't you just look into the face of a child and ask if
he is ok?"...and "why do you hand out guns?" God only knows why. The
whole world is so scarey now and sometimes when I get out of bed in the
morning I wonder what awful thing has happened while I slept as I have
stopped expecting good news. I have a grandson in Iraq and live in a
state of fear as do his parents and his wife. This poem is well written
and has a lot of merit, asking questions that so many just think but
never ask out loud. Thanks for posting to TPL and I hope to read more
of your work in the future.
Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2003-10-19 16:27:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Eddie, You already have my review, but I thought I would post this
so that I can access the review of others.
R.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-10-19 16:02:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76471
Oh, Eddie, the impact you created in this piece is in its
maximum gravity! I see how significan this piece is! It awakens
your reader to for deep reflection. Guns here...guns there...
your theme is great and it should be taken seriously. This is
not a news but it is more than a news depicting the harsh and
gruesome events that suffer a lot of bodies. We are in the
world of war today, crimes are everywhere. The earth is no
longer a safe place to live in. The war in Iraq just subsided
and it is giving us the warning that was is a mass destruction.
Terrorism, too, is casting out blood even the most innocent
suffers.
Anyway, the presentation is very well done. The title alone is
intriguing that can stir the readers' mind. The association
of stars and sky seem to reinforce the idea of vacant bodies.
It is very effective that way. It brings me the imagery of the
heavenly bodies and it creates a thrill to the readers until
they know in the end that it is concerned on the vacant bodies
on earth that are suffering. It is dramatic that way. It has an
astrological effect that would bring the mind of the readers
to the outerspace. Therefore, it is not disclosing immediately
right to the theme and could make it boring.
The mentioning that the stars are "sick" and they left is an
appropriate reinforcement of the theme. It projects the idea of pain and
suffering and loneliness. It enhances the tone in a dramatic way.
The keywords that put the readers right to the theme are "jet-black",
"bullet", "gun", etc....telling us to find peace through the bullet
pull that trigger.... a very effective line of awakening!
The inclusion of the questions are effective that really serves
to awaken and open the mind of the heedless:
how can you ignore that smell
how can you disregard the screaming
how can you not notice a thousand vacant bodies marching past
It is depicting a bloody scene. It is sad to note. It suggests
that violence is never a way to peacefulness. If only all of us
are against violence, peace would be all around us.
....why can't you just look into the face of your child
and ask if he's okay....this is very poignant! It is realy
sad to picture this out. Just look into the eyes of a child,
and you will be in tears if you feel what the child feels and
needs.
This is so great! I almost to tear! Perfect presentation, the absence of
uppercases is effective to enhance the tone of the poem.
Thank you so much for sharing, Eddie! I think this is your
first submission, you hit so high!
Peace,
Jordan
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