This Poem was Submitted By: madge B zaiko On Date: 2004-01-15 08:37:31 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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I've always stumbled,  drunk in the hopes of love. So many nights I fumbled words into meaning;  meaning men would toss. And it seems whatever I mean to say,   What I wish for,  Inside their hands,      was lost. But, still I want to hear: "Beautiful. You're so beautiful, and I understand you." Staring into reflection,   I slide fingers over faults. Tenderly embracing,  Each and every one. Full of memory,   My eyes fight their drowning. Longing to erase these scars, I say: "Beautiful. You're so beautiful, and who cares if they understand you?"  Plenty of faces brushing my temple. So many embraces that never were meant for-  love. I wish someone could see me as:  Beautiful.  So Beautiful. And then I'd think that I was:  Beautiful.   So Beautiful.  When did I forget that I am:  Beautiful.   So, Beautiful. And it's only I  who must understand that? 

Copyright © January 2004 madge B zaiko

Additional Notes:
This poem is part of a play I wrote that has already been copyrighted. It has never been shown by itself.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-06 15:51:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60227
Interesting how you make such a play on being beautiful when there are so many girls, women out there that have that problem....not seeing themselves as beautiful and beauty as one might say is in the eye of the beholder and beauty goes more then skin deep for it is what inside that radiates outward causing the beauty that shines for the world to this young lady best see that soon.....are you going to share more of the play with us? good structure for it keeps the reader travelling on and images of this woman keeps popping up as you go........she looks just fine to me.......indeed it is just that, she who must understand that she is beautiful and the rest of the world, basically her world , will fall into place.....good job......looking forward to more about this from ssfe and God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-02-03 17:01:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95455
Madge: This the 1st poem of yours that I've had the pleasure to critique. Due to health problems (yuk), I have less and less time for TPL. You present this piece in free verse, numerous internal rhymes, allits, etc. I tend to eschew commenting on poetic devices unless it's something really unique. My style is to give you my impressions of your poem. I start with a suggestion, having read this several times: I would change the title because it's almost overkill and redundant. Whether "Fingers Over Faults" or "To See Me As I Am" or "Staring Into Reflection", etc, etc., I think it would perk up the poem with a new title. (Minor point). "I've always stumbled, drunk in the hopes of love. So many nights I fumbled words into meaning; meaning men would toss. And it seems whatever I mean to say, What I wish for, Inside their hands was lost. But still I want to hear: "Beautiful. You're so beautiful and I understand you." Wow! Strong stanza with a killer opening: ..."stumbled, drunk in the hopes of love." This is crisp, unique and original phrasing. Your talent as poet is immediately obvious in how you turn a phrase. E.g.: "I fumbled words into meaning." The above lines tell me that the speaker is quite insecure about her appearance especially and she finds she is not understood by the men she meets. They toss away her words, apparently interested in other matters and it seems she tolerates most things if only they reassure her she is lovely. I must comment on your enhancing rhymes: stumbled/fumbled and toss/lost and hands/stands. "Staring into reflection, I slide fingers over faults, ...nice allits.... Tenderly embracing Each and every one. Full of memory, My eyes fight their drowning, Longing to erase these scars, I say: "Beautiful. You're so beautiful, and who cares if they understand you?" This is such a pithy description of a very sad woman and I vacillate between wanting to cry for her and wanting to slap her sideways, telling her that she doesn't need a man to make her feel beautiful. Until she truly believes it herself, ten ka-jillion men could tell her and she wouldn't believe. There is a subtle reference to her scars and I wonder are these literal or symbolic. It's little lines like that which give extra texture to the poem. Stanza 3 continues with her longing to be seen as beautiful until we come to the denouement: "When did I forget that I am: Beautiful. So beautiful. And it's only I who must understand that(?)." Lovely poem, lovely ending. I would change the question mark to a period to make this her epiphany, her final comprehension that the whole problem lies within her. (Minor point). Madge, I am quite impressed with your writing abilities and especially the use of repetition, the presentation of mundane facts in superb linguistics, your highly developed powers of limning imagery. I feel I know the heart and soul of the woman about whom you have written because you put me in her shoes, so to speak. I trust my minor suggestions will be accepted as they are: one person's opinion offered for the sole purpose of tweaking to improve. (And this baby really needs no improvement). I enormously enjoyed your poem; look forward to seeing more of your work. Congratulations on penning this accomplished piece. Best wishes, Mell Morris
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2004-01-26 20:32:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Madge, I really like the theme of this poem. A woman, trying and trying to find the one who sees her as beautiful only to find again and again, plenty of embraces but never truly what she wanted. Your ending linee...And it is I only that must understand that? That is the very essence of this poem to me. Once one believes they are beautiful, without and within, they have succeeded and others will perceive you as the same. I'm curious, has this play been done? I can almost see this as a musical with the lady singing this very song:) Great job. Deb:)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-01-21 10:32:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Dear Madge BEAUTIFUL! Would love to read the play. Your opening line, "I've always stumbled, drunk in the hopes of love." caught me hook, line and sinker right from the start. That one phrase sums up the whole of what you are saying and I think speaks volumes to any reader. We all want to be understood and thought of as beautiful inside and out. The truth is that most times we seem to look for love in all the wrong places. It took me a life time of heartaches to actually find love, because I forgot to look within first. I see that revelation within the lines of this poignant piece. I think this is a poem most people can relate to. Assonance is a tool you used well in this piece. You've got a good mix of soft rhyme here, both slant and end with stumbled/fumbled, toss/lost, embracing/erase/faces. Coupling the rhythm and rhyme you add a musical touch to this and I just really want this to be a song. Whats the name of the play if you don't mind my asking? Your gift is evident in these lines. Thank you for sharing this. Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-16 18:14:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
I am glad you said that this was part of a play before. I could clearly hear the voice of the character coming out. The issues of that character are clear to me. It reminds me quite a bit of my wife who had many many lovers before meeting me, and I have a clear understanding of her need for me tell her how beautiful she is, even though she cannot see it for herself. I see many women have this problem, and the mirror doesn't lie to them, they do. I wish for my wife and for those to fill up the part that is missing. It's like a huge hole we all share between us without knowing it. Thanks for this piece. I know this isn't much of a "critique" but good words deserve some complimentary comment in my mind. Well done. REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-01-16 00:24:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ok, Madge, can you upload a picture on your profile so I can second the motion that you are so beautiful? Just kidding! There is an "Ouch!" of love here in your first input. Lost love! I have experienced if for two times so far! Then here comes my third love which is a little groping but still there is a hope of revitalization. Your first input is brought about your experience of lost love! I like the phrase "drunk in the hopes of love"! Original, I would say! It starts the boiling of the temperature here in your theme. Though, your wishes of love were not fulfilled still you wanted to stand out and make everyone knows your voice, "Beautiful. You're so beautiful, and I understand you." You want to bring these words of your man to be alive. Well, maybe, the implication is that you want to tell to that person you are still loved and wanted by others. A very strong, frank voice you have here. Ah, you mentioned, this is a part of play? I appreciate your voice here, it is like a declamation or something like that. How I wish to watch your self-directed play! Thanks for sharing. Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-01-15 11:38:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Good. I'm glad its part of a larger work - because it is wonderful - and also because the title would not draw the eye of a publisher if it stood alone. I've always stumbled, drunk in the hope[-s] of love. ahhhhh...great beginning So many nights I fumbled[nice internal rhyme here] words into meaning; [meaning men would toss-this line is ambiguous and does not add much]. And it seems whatever I mean to say, What I wish for, Inside their hands, [is] lost. plaintive and original! But, still I want to hear: "Beautiful. You're so beautiful, and I understand you." great as a refrain - you might use it more in the poem Staring into reflection, I slide fingers over faults. Might be faults like cracks in the mirre- a little vague Tenderly embracing, Each and every one. Full of memory, My eyes fight their drowning. [great] Longing to erase these scars, I say: "Beautiful. You're so beautiful, and who cares if they understand you?" YES Plenty of faces brushing my temple. So many embraces that never were meant for- love. I wish someone could see me as: Beautiful. So Beautiful. And then I'd think that I was: Beautiful. So Beautiful. When did I forget that I am: Beautiful. So, Beautiful[?] perhaps end it something like: [Something that it is up to me and only me to understand] Twisting the refrain from looking for understanding and riding youself of the i/me questioners. Very nice - I would love to see the completed work
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