This Poem was Submitted By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-01-22 21:55:10 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!
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Copyright © January 2004 Mick Fraser
The tawny twighlight welcomes
this new year day, as
I see the lion dancing
by the new moon far away
Old fiery's flightpath
moves with pulls on the muzzle
his pieces spread everywhere
like a tangram puzzle
I am on my way home
for the reunion and feast
riding my red dragon
the most friendly beast
With the fireworks flashing
our passage is well-lit
we will shun any fear
never thinking to quit
I'm anxious to see her
my happy little monkey
last year she had red hair
she looked very funky
The lanterns will wash down
the stream with my dream
and at my sweet monkey girl
I will constantly beam
She'll be 24 soon
and with her new boy
gung hay fat choy!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-02 21:22:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54795
Hi Mick: Nice style to this one, structure is good and the word flow is superb bringing forth images as one reads down the lines........I take this to be a chinese new year with the year of the monkey at hand....must also tell you I like the rhyme to this piece as well.....good job, thanks for posting and sharing with us....be safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2004-01-25 14:03:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This was a creative description of the Chinese New Year which is as you may or may not know, one of the Chinese favorite year as they believe the year of the monkey is a fertile year proding more children.
The poem follows through well from start to finish. The only thing that needs correcting is the typo of
twilight in the first line.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-25 02:51:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.12500
It's said that a good story begins with a good ending. Yours has an ending worth the rest of the poem, and could stand alone by itself. Luckily, it doesn't.
To be honest, I have no idea what the last 2 lines really mean, but I am guessing it's something to do with Asian or Chinese culture, due to the other references. Another guess is the girl was born in the year of the monkey.
I like how that is all folded into the more emotional story behind those details. I can only imagine the feelings you are feeling here, but it may be like watching the athletes you coach grow up and develop as people. It's more wonderful than is really expressible, but your words remind me.
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-01-24 19:03:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.63636
Yes, and the same to you Gung Hay Fat Choy. I learned that expression many years ago along with
a few others and was always welcomed by my Chinese patients when I greeted them. This is well done.
The poem rhymes well and has a certain lilt to it. The "tawny twilight" is an excellent phrase.
Simple poem but well done. Thanks.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-01-24 18:25:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95238
You should be portraying an ablazing new year, Mick! By the way, I looked at your profile
and oh you were a member last 2001. I was active at that time but I could not remember I
stumbled at your poetry. Anyway, just want to say welcome back.
I'll now go ahead and write long critiques...but please don't offer face me with your delete button.
LOL! Yup, I can simplicity in your writing here but amidst its simplicity, it is adorned with
poetic laces and ribbons.
Your firs stanza is suffusing with a different kind of energy that contaminates me shiver! Hehe.
Oh, the imagery of a lion is fiercing but lovely because it dances by a new moon! Nice touch of
imagery with the highlight of wonderful allit of 't' in tawny/twilight.
In the second stanza I like the sound of 'f' the the effect of 'z' on muzzle/puzzle though
puzzle can be omitted because when you say "tangram" it already means Chinese puzzle.
Anyway, it gives a playful image and I am not that lucky cause I wasn't able to play it during Chinese New Year. Hehe.
Another fricative sound in stanza four and it adds up the inviting imagery of the metaphor.
Liked the positive trait towards shunning fear and being not a quitter. You should deserve better!
And the funky looking monkey! Oh, this year is year of the monkey! I am just very excited about it
because I was actually born in the year of the monkey. I am very excited what's in store for me this
year. I should not be a quitter as well! And thanks for the gung hay fat choy!
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