This Poem was Submitted By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-03-09 10:42:50 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!
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Copyright © March 2004 Mick Fraser
Life Support (Revised)
Dirty wood slats were the first to greet me
telling stories of earlier visitors
many who'd suffered the pains of life
I was just happy to be accepted
I graduated to tile, metal and marble
and the tales became more obscure than my writing
with moments of brilliance and flashes of darkness
my rump relaxed and curly hair falling out fast
Midlife moments were spent far from food fairs
at expensive hotels as the money rolled in
feeling a pain in my belly and a tug at my crotch
wondering whether I was ever going to be happy
Thirteen lines later I was back at the slats
happily realizing that I'd never know
yet Harps could be found everywhere
and so could slat-sharing friends
Revised thanks to great suggestions from Tom and Michele.
I would be happy to explain any portion of this if required.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-03-14 17:41:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
your two changes (removal of 2nd just and hypenating slat sharing) do make this an
even more enjoyable read. You just have such a great way of verbalizing concepts.
I especially enjoy all the alliteration of rump/relaxed, falling /fast, midlife/moments,
Your life went full circle and it seems that I have been reading about that from other TPLers
Thanks again for an enjoyable read. Keep sharing your gift with us, Mick. We love your
sense of humor and serious side both!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-12 12:39:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.16667
Interesting additions to the ending of this one which does make the read so much better......thanks for posting and sharing with us....having just critiqued the other the flow of words does allow much more from this one.....be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-10 22:32:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.87500
Hi Mick. Marcia again. I only see two changed--you took the extra 'just' out as per Michele's(?)
suggestion--and you hyphened slat-sharing. I really know how you feel. I submitted a poem once
that had a misspelled word in it, and I couldn't stand it until I submitted another one with the
word spelled right. My original requests, though, still stand. What do the 'slats' mean? Thanks
for sharing. Marcia McCaslin
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-10 08:54:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Yes, Mick, this is an improvement - with the suggested alterations. I still, however, am not sure where this takes the reader, although the images are powerful and the meter making for an easy read. It is the thoughts provoked that cause hesitation - the attempting to put a finger on the pain or, I guess, the journey the poet is taking us on. It certainly awakens the reader with its strength of imagery. I do believe this is a tale of one's journey through life, with an anticipation of what's ahead with the "harps", but this can only be anticipation, not for certain?? I hope my comments don't seem negative, because I did enjoy this read very much. [Now, please mail the explanation to see if I've made a fool of myself.]
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-09 15:55:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
I think I need your help with this one! I am not sure what the useage of 'slat' means.
I think of it as a stave or merely means of support. What I take away after several
reads is a man searching to find himself. One who is looking for friends and support
from those friends. He knows he is doing well because he 'graduated' to tile, metal, marble,
all of which are stronger than mere wooden slats. In midlife he found himself spending
too much money on material things that did not make him happy...which is the one and
only emotion he searches for. "Thirteen lines later I was back at the slats"...I'm so
sorry that I just can't interpet that line. However, you end this piece on a positive note
saying that you realize that happiness and friends are all around you...you just need to
look. Okay...I have just fractured this piece all to hell..sorry. It is well written and
has a quality that screams READ ME...a sign of an excellent writer.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-03-09 14:15:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You are portraying a different kind of life here.
The person is realizing about his life and it is
just as practical as common people do.
Life Support? I could just realize that to be happy with life is not found
on material things. The deeper essence of life is the people around you,
friends and so on. These people are greatest life support.
The use of metaphor is powerful. I can feel the hard texture with
the slat, wood...etc. It sets up the tone of the poem.
"yet Harps could be found everywhere
and so could slat-sharing friends" --- new concept of idea. I like the use of
harps to be the real instrument to savor the life with joy and happiness.
Thanks for sharing this revision, Mick. It is greatly appreciated.
By the way, congratulations for you previous submission "For Mom".
The idea of wood/slats is somehow present there and so with here!
Write on. Jordan
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