This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-05-08 12:21:55 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Rainbow Blues This rough patch
scratches only the surface of life.
What's above, underneath and around it
is your lucky star to catch and fill up
with your dreams.
There is no "LIFE" courtesy counter,
to approach with a complaint.
"My life doesn't suit me very well",
"Can I slide to the other world
and come back and do it again"?
More to my liking this time.
By God, and all the choices to choose,
would anyone always try to lose.
Nauseating friction internally burning
away at your soul -
Tricking your mind to accepting
less is more.
In the air the purest denial,
a red flag that you salute
as your rush by - as if it's existence is
invisible to your eye.
And your star, lacking in dreams
is held in the palm of your hand,
while you quietly drift beyond another patch
painting black and white rainbows in the sand.
|
|
Copyright © May 2004 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-06-01 23:26:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I like the idealistic bent of this work. I also like the slightly changed emphasis in where the point of power is when compared to many works. Most work focuses on the heart or the head, and not in the hands, and this emphasis implies work, and that's a good thing.
Like much of the work I read about here at TPL, it's about passing by the obvious internal compass time and time again, and being led down a different path than the one we know to be the right one. Yes, it's invisible, but as real as blood circulation.
I also like the rainbow being portrayed as black and white, which is an interesting and visual way of putting the good and evil theme into there, and to display what a interesting thing it is to have the impulse, which in so many ways is quite didactic and habitual, and is not so tolerant in one sense, but quite in another. There's a lot that's said just in that simple phrase. I wish I had wrote it.
Great job, especially in the closing stanza, which really ties the whole thing together.
Thanks,
REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-05-29 14:16:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.65000
Re: "Rainbow Blues"
This work is simply replete in symboism. The esteemed Canadaian poet, P.K.Page, once
said,"It isn't always necessary to understand poetry. What is necessary is that it be enjoyed."
It reminds us of part of the definition of poetry: arranging words in a beautiful way. I feel
the writer has truly achieved this.
Wrier: "This rough patch
scratches only the surface of life."
LJMC: To what is the writer referring? It is clearly something that doesn't pervade
life. This reader is eager to know more.
Writer: "What's above, underneath and around it
is your lucky star to catch and fill up
with your dreams."
LJMC: Whatever this negative force, it can be overcome. The writer approaches the task
with optimism.
Writer: "There is no "LIFE" courtesy counter,
to approach with a complaint."
LJMC: How true, is this assertion. Yet, the poem's persona isn't deterred. At the
writer's bidding they intend to make good things happen.
Writer: "And your star, lacking in dreams
is held in the palm of your hand,
while you quietly drift beyond another patch
painting black and white rainbows in the sand."
LJMC: This reader sees the last stanza a summation of, if we fail to make positive
things happen in our lives a bright outlook will not be seen, and happiness will be as unstable
as sand blown in the wind.
An excellent writing syle isn't by accident. Look at the harmony of sound supporting alliteration:"scratches/surface, courtesy/counter/complaint;" assonance:"life/slide/liking."
This rhythme pattern known as cadence is certainly evident in this work. I'm told it even
developes manifests itself in writing subconsciously with some poets.
An entire interpretation is subjective in this reader's viewpoint. The peice leaves an aura
of mystery not unpleasant at all . Particularly since as it's accompanied by a word choice to
waltz to the tune of pure poetry. It's a beautiful tune, and pen. Congratulations to the
writer.
A fellow poet, Lennard McIntosh
This Poem was Critiqued By: Molly Johnson On Date: 2004-05-21 19:15:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
When I read this poem I'm drawn by the strident voice. There's some sort of urgency here that made me try and try again and then try aloud to tease the meaning. The humor of the courtesy counter is fresh. I also like the funky places of internal rhyme. You invited me into the visual images of the stars and sand but I still can't hold the meaning with any certainty which leaves me unsatified because the writing is good enough to be about something big. Maybe the author's eyes see intentions and connections and maybe I'm slow today. Regardless, I enjoyed the verve in this piece.
Good Luck,
MollyJ
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-05-12 18:29:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi DemiMari,
Another sad poem full of pathos and frustration from you pen...and also from your heart.
It is easy for me to see somewhere inside your soul there lives melancholy. I wrote a great
deal of poetry after my husband passed away and all of it was very sad...but I could not
stop. Finally I got to a point where I was looking ahead and not back and began to heal.
Having said all that I think this is a well written piece that has a lot of merit..,some
phrases are just amazing....'this rough patch scratches only the surface of life' how true..
sometimes the things we dread the most are nothing compared to what we may face ahead but
the rough patches do make us stronger. 'there is no "life" courtsey counter' this is really
an unusual thought..it would be nice to exchange some of the moments we buy in our life and
just get something else and try again...'tricking your mind to accepting less is more' I
never really have understood that statement but perhaps some have so much less that they
do tell themselves they really do have more...'your star lacking in dreams is held in the
palm of your hand'..we are the masters of our own fate but there are times in life that
we run out of ideas and ways to help ourselves...'painting black and white rainbows in the
sand'...this is beyond a doubt the saddest line I have read in a long time..what is worse
than a rainbow without color? What ever it is that is making you sad I hope it goes away
soon or at least you learn how to cope with it. You have great poetic talent and I
always enjoy reading your work and this piece is no exception.
Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Stefanie L Ankle On Date: 2004-05-11 07:54:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I love this poem, so before I gush let me start with the minor imperfections.I think the first stanza would be more effective if you said fill, instead of "fill up".In the second to last stanza I believe the it's can be changed to its. Did you mean for it to be your-or should it be you?
In the third to last stanza I have one question for you. Is the second line meant to stop the reader - or disrupt the flow? It seems a bit awkward,or rather a bit ambiguous, I can't tell if I like it or not.
What really captured my attention while reading this poem was your amazing outlook on life. I love your ability to translate your feelings, and images -"surface of life" "'Life'courtesy counter", etc. You have such a grasp on language!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-05-08 19:56:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
DeniMari
I read your poems last month but just didn't have time to comment. It interests me about "the
thread" that runs through a poet's fabric. Yours is sad with a little anger thrown in, but
at the same time, I feel that you are expressing this WAY beyond your years. I have quite a bit
on this one to comment on--but the following S. is the one that, I have to say, I like best
because it reveals most:
In the air the purest denial,
a red flag that you salute
as your rush by - as if it's existence is
invisible to your eye.
"the purest denial"--smacks of the current psychology of counselling where someone says YOU ARE!
and if you say I'm NOT--then you're in denial. And it leaves you no place to go but deeper
into your own truth. Which isn't bad, I guess. (I think that its existence is not possessive).
S 1 - the ultimate misconception, done, to my mind, extremely well. (Also love your title!)
No Life Courtesy Counter? But how can that be--everybody has a courtesy counter. This verse
would be humorous under other circumstances. As it is, it is just the bare-bones truth--
and you've called everybody's bluff.
Tricking your mind to accept Less is More. That is priceless and is a gem of wisdom you seem
to have casually thrown in. We've all heard--maybe we've all bought it, but you aren't.
And your star, lacking in dreams
is held in the palm of your hand,
while you quietly drift beyond another patch
painting black and white rainbows in the sand.
The last S. is sad. Imagine your star, lacking in dreams! that you hold in the palm of
your hand. Your anger and frustration seem spent here "while you quietly drift beyond another
patch--painting black and white rainbows in the sand.
Black and white seems to represent all the hope that has vanished now. Black and white
rainbows are worse than no rainbows at all. And even if they were tinted--they are in the
sand, which shifts and washes away.
You have done an excellent job here. But I wish life were better for you. Thanks for
posting. Marcia
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!