Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-08-30 11:21:49 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

2 (Play)

ragged white-capped waves roar children play in sand oceanic melodies

Additional Notes:
Taking a stab at this style for a change.....be gentle...

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-09-06 09:19:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Jana, I guess I'm a bit backwards today because I'm going to comment on 2 when I haven't read or commented on 1. But, well, I read this and was moved and my rules for this month are if I'm moved I write a comment, no matter where it is on my list. You say this is taking a stab. I'd say your first try came pretty close to "Bulls Eye". The imagry is vivid and the visual inspired for this reader happens to be my favorite. When you couple youth and beach in the same thought, I can't get much closer to heaven. Titles are important since they are first and I would recommend "Beach". But "Play" works here. I've heard that syllable count is not that important and I agree, so I really don't feel it's the least bit important that line one is six sylables. The image it evokes is much more important to me and the "ragged white-capped waves roar" gives both visual and sound and all at once I'm there at the beach, taking in the breathtaking view of the waves and sound that is so relaxing. The "R"s of rugged/roar give it a magestic sound. Then with " children play in sand" gives me another visual and also recalls memories. I don't know why, but I found it slightly distracting that line two is indented. There is music in "oceanic melodies" with the "O" assonance. What a fine way to end a lovely memory. Thanks for sharing one of your first attempts at Haiku. I enjoyed this immensely. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-09-05 15:47:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92105
Jana, a very nice attempt at what I think you intend for haiku. If mistaken, shoot with both barrels! ragged white-capped waves [roar - not needed, IMHO] - count 5(for those who do) oceanic melodies - [relocation for form] - count 7(for the same ones) children play in sand - [relocation for form, and to narrow the imagery at the closing line] - count 5(for ?) Nice scene, and hope to see more. Best wishes. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-08-31 20:30:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84848
Jana–This attempt is a very fine effort and show that you’ve got a good idea of what this particular form is about. As always, I am ecstatic whenever we aspiring poets pre- sent our thoughts in a different format. IMO, it indicates flexibility; willingness to try/ learn something out of our comfort zone and serves as practice/lesson for critiquing these other forms. IMO, a regular dictionary definition does not offer enough information for first timers concerning this fixed form: there are special details/nuances/subtlies that are necessary to meet requirements forthe traditional Japanese Verse (eastern) as opposed to non-traditional (western). The main differences between these two seem to be that the “Eastern” is more restrictive:usually has seventeen syllables in three lines of 5-7-5 syllables (in that order). The “Western” is less restrictive: does not have to be seventeen syllables, but is three lines.Both forms have in common; capturing a simple scene from nature and writer tries to relay/relate his/her strong feelings about it. The piece should contain a word that is seasonal or suggestive of a season. Your offering can easily be made to flow a bit smoother; YOURS Line #1. rag-ged white-capped waves roar (nature themed/6 syllables) Line #2. chil-dren play in sand (summer?/5 syllables) Line #3. o-ce-an-ic mel-o-dies (7 syllables) A SUGGESTION Line #1. rag-ged white-capped waves roar (6 syllables) Line #2. o-ce-an-ic mel-o-dies (7 syllables ) Line #3. as chil-dren play in sand (6 syllables) I am hoping this review doesn’t come off as condescending or harsh. As you can see, I simply rearrange your own words (and added “as”), which is a suggestion only, and can easily be placed back the way you posted. I think your verbiage create vivid imagery of a relaxing family scene at the beach (perhaps your own). Thanks. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-08-31 17:35:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana: Would I be anything else (but gentle)? <smile> This is lovely! The combination of the imageries here -- the white-capped waves roaring, along with the sounds of the children playing combine to give us "oceanic melodies." My dear, you are an artist. Keep playing! We are the beneficiaries of your experimentation with this style. Once again you are 'synthesizing' something and the result is an original and a great pleasure to read. Kudos! Peace, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-08-31 13:06:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
I be very gentle...this is very good. I am no great critiquer of this style, but in the few short lines it does make sense...especially here where I live by the ocean (only yards away). The children do play here, the white caps rolls in, etc. Good stuff. Thanks.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-08-31 08:22:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
My brain will not function this morning to allow me to know the style......other then Haiku but it has more spaces then others do so I am really not sure.....the one thing I am sure about is the beauty of this piece. It simply touches my soul to be able to see what you have created my dear friend with the flare of your pen.....the waves as they roll in off the vast ocean before it and the children playing along the shoreline most likely jumping in and out of them as they break hitting the shore. With them of course comes tiny shells along with a few larger ones, perhaps a jelly fish or two which one must be careful of and the crabs that still live within the shells as they roll over and over until they too reach shore.......oh I so love the ocean Jana and the melodies it does sing to ones heart and soul. Thank you for posting this one and allowing me to be a part of it......God Bless and be safe, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-08-30 17:44:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana: Brava for trying a new form. I've never written a haiku nor Japanese poetry. The more I read about the form, the more I see that the Japanese are much more free in their approach. The only aspect that is universally demanded is 17 syllables. You have 16 as your 1st line has 6 syllables. If you want capped to be two syllables or in other words CappED, you must use a punctuation mark to indicate the two beats. (Look at Poe's poems and especially those of Gerard Manley Hopkins.) Also Shakespeare and most of the great masters. I like the assonance of ragged/capped and the allits of ragged/roar. The middle line is a winner for who can resist the imagery of kiddies playing in the sand. Your end line is the best: "oceanic melodies." I love the sea and hear its melody calling me to come, most strongly in spring but usually all the time. Swell for someone who lives inland, close to 500 miles to the coast. I give you high marks for trying and as I said the Japanese would likely find your haiku acceptable. You also never use the word "haiku" which lets you off the hook anyway. What matters most is that you have painted a lovely scene and I can hear the waves, watch gulls diving and swooping, children at play on clean white sand, and ta-duh! songs from the sea. Best wishes, Mell

This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-08-30 11:47:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.02174
I like this one better better than emerald, why? because the last line makes me think more of an interplay between the first and second lines, I hope that doesn't sound like I'm saying I like it more because I like it more. Thanks for letting me read it.

Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!