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B-Rated Love Affair
This B rated love affair Took a twist and filled Up my time and heart With a dream that perhaps Love truly exists between The madness we toil through To jump over clouds and Crawl through ditches And bend down slowly While sifting the surfaces Presented in front of our eyes This B rated love affair Took a trusting heart into An abyss of promises that Were never meant to materialize Upon the days fueled with resentments To the nights where our bodies slept unwise To a place where dementia between our Two souls, reminded us of stagnant air - not life This B rated love affair, skipped Through years and angry fears Melted down our passion till We were left with ashes in the Dawn, no sympathy, no bond Left to break - it was a mistake This B rated love affair reaped Us bare of good senses - then forced us to hate.
Completely confusing - free verse
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-12-03 16:50:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni: I do not remember reviewing any of your structured poetry but I REALLY enjoy the last free-verse poems I've read. Which means several things: I love free verse and it surpasses your structured work since I don't recall any of it. I am the only poet here that feels this way so take it into account. Using a line from your poem as the title weakens same. All of the old masters, Shakespearen sonnets, Em Dickinson were numbered and printers began putting the first line as title because it was needed for clarity. Example, if you say to me, Sonnet CXVI, by Shakespeare is your favorite. If I were really swift, I would say, "Oh yes it is. 'Let me not to the marriage of true minds' is my favorite." So altho your title is a hook, I'd prefer "Left with ashes in the dawn" or "To jump over clouds" or "My body slept unwise"....etc, etc. Then what you deliver is a B-Rated Oldie, B&W, Joan Crawford in shoulder pads, etc. In the first stanza, poet tells readers that love may really be possible, even if it exists in madness, makes you rake the surface to see what's underneath and note the verbs: twist, toil, jump, crawl, bend down, sift. Doesn't sound like true love. Stanza 2 is a gut punch wherein your trust is betrayed, promises never appeared, fueled with resentment, no sleep (bodies slept unwise)...a winner. Dementia between souls reminds of stagnant air, not life. Nope, I don't believe he's the one. I do not personally know poet nor equate the love affair as her own...it might belong to your neighbor.... but the delicacy of the female is notable while he appears crass and less. I think you detail all of this very aptly until you write: "Melted down our passion till We were left with ashes in the Dawn, no sympathy, no bond Left to break- it was a mistake ....nice enjambment.... This B-rated love affair *reaped* Us bare of good senses- then forced us to hate. Excellent job. I marked "reaped" as it doesn't seem to fit. I would use scraped, raped, shaved, stripped, robbed, etc,etc. Just a few nits...the piece is a great read as is but I think a few things you'll get as suggestions are worth consideration. Most poems would benefit from a nit or two. I am quite taken with your last poems, Deni. You have the power to awaken the readers' emotions and to a high degree. That, my dear child, is called talent. Everyone can learn anything IMO, but having inherent ability gets you jump-started. I greatly enjoyed this and hope you will continue practicing your free-verse voice. Best wishes, Mell Morris
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