This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-11-07 01:54:52 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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B-Rated Love Affair

This B rated love affair Took a twist and filled  Up my time and heart With a dream that perhaps Love truly exists between The madness we toil through To jump over clouds and Crawl through ditches And bend down slowly While sifting the surfaces Presented in front of our eyes This B rated love affair Took a trusting heart into An abyss of promises that Were never meant to materialize Upon the days fueled with resentments To the nights where our bodies slept unwise To a place where dementia between our Two souls, reminded us of stagnant air - not life This B rated love affair, skipped Through years and angry fears Melted down our passion  till We were left with ashes in the Dawn, no sympathy, no bond Left to break - it was a mistake This B rated love affair reaped Us bare of  good senses -  then forced  us to hate.

Copyright © November 2004 DeniMari Z.

Additional Notes:
Completely confusing - free verse

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-12-03 16:50:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni: I do not remember reviewing any of your structured poetry but I REALLY enjoy the last free-verse poems I've read. Which means several things: I love free verse and it surpasses your structured work since I don't recall any of it. I am the only poet here that feels this way so take it into account. Using a line from your poem as the title weakens same. All of the old masters, Shakespearen sonnets, Em Dickinson were numbered and printers began putting the first line as title because it was needed for clarity. Example, if you say to me, Sonnet CXVI, by Shakespeare is your favorite. If I were really swift, I would say, "Oh yes it is. 'Let me not to the marriage of true minds' is my favorite." So altho your title is a hook, I'd prefer "Left with ashes in the dawn" or "To jump over clouds" or "My body slept unwise"....etc, etc. Then what you deliver is a B-Rated Oldie, B&W, Joan Crawford in shoulder pads, etc. In the first stanza, poet tells readers that love may really be possible, even if it exists in madness, makes you rake the surface to see what's underneath and note the verbs: twist, toil, jump, crawl, bend down, sift. Doesn't sound like true love. Stanza 2 is a gut punch wherein your trust is betrayed, promises never appeared, fueled with resentment, no sleep (bodies slept unwise)...a winner. Dementia between souls reminds of stagnant air, not life. Nope, I don't believe he's the one. I do not personally know poet nor equate the love affair as her might belong to your neighbor.... but the delicacy of the female is notable while he appears crass and less. I think you detail all of this very aptly until you write: "Melted down our passion till We were left with ashes in the Dawn, no sympathy, no bond Left to break- it was a mistake ....nice enjambment.... This B-rated love affair *reaped* Us bare of good senses- then forced us to hate. Excellent job. I marked "reaped" as it doesn't seem to fit. I would use scraped, raped, shaved, stripped, robbed, etc,etc. Just a few nits...the piece is a great read as is but I think a few things you'll get as suggestions are worth consideration. Most poems would benefit from a nit or two. I am quite taken with your last poems, Deni. You have the power to awaken the readers' emotions and to a high degree. That, my dear child, is called talent. Everyone can learn anything IMO, but having inherent ability gets you jump-started. I greatly enjoyed this and hope you will continue practicing your free-verse voice. Best wishes, Mell Morris

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2004-11-26 19:20:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76190
Hi DeniMari, What I especially liked was the rhyming that sort of snuck in but made the piece flow quite well. exist/twist ditches/surfaces eyes/materialize/unwise years/fears passion/ashes dawn/bond break/mistake affair/bare Really clever usage. Good job. A bit sad the way things change in a relationship. It's difficult to love with your head and not your heart. and who would want to? thanks for sharing... love, Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-11-24 09:26:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This poem seems to follow a relationship from hopefull beginings through turbulent times that isolate the pair from each other till there was no bond left between. Thanks for an interesting read.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Robert Wyma On Date: 2004-11-20 17:21:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
The cathartic poetic journey is very well delivered here. This is where I learned to rip with words those places I could not face. The rawness of truth and pain is very compelling for readers as they seek reference points for their personal journeys. This is a very honest poem and takes the reader through a journey, that is shared and related to. Not confusing, and yet complete because it is honest. Thanks for sharing. Robert
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-11-10 01:08:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Throughout this poem I kept trying to figure out what it meant by “B-Rated”. Did it mean “B” as in a “B” horror film and that the relationship was under funded, under invested in? I dug through the poem and pulled out the B words I found. Between (twice) Bare Break Bodies Bond Finding those words seems to clarify this poem for me. Your note says that this is completely confusing, but I found a sad story in this poem. Maybe there will be another stanza as the story continues. Kay
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-11-08 12:44:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi DeniMari, I do not think this piece is 'completely confusing.' You shared with me in your crit of "The Door' that your three year relationship had your words here have a complete impact when I read them. Some I find very gut wrenching...'dream that perhaps love truely exists between the madness we toil (through) to jump over clouds and crawl through ditches' Love can cause so many minute your up and the next you are crawling through ditches' what amazing descriptors you use to reveal your sadness and frustation. This love affair took your trusting heart into the abyss of promises that never happened and into nights where your bodies slept unwise...(wonderful) and the two of you were reminded of stagnant air (what could possiblily be more repugnant than stagnant air?)....'years of angry fears melted down your passion till you were left with nothing but ashes (and the realization that this was not meant to be) sympathy no bond to break....I find this statement very sad and find myself wishing you could talk over your troubles and find a place where you could be friends and not hate each other. But from the tone of this well written piece of lost love I fear there is no common meeting place for either of you. I wish you well and hope your healing from this will take place quickly! You did an excellent job with this piece. BLessings....Marilyn
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