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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-02-21 12:43:28 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The Rose

His gait was languid, bent, his demeanor drooped with onerous rue, sorrow etched his wrinkled brow. The shape and drape of his tattered attire bunched with a belt about his waist. What robed rapture from this man's face? Tragedy apparent in his aching stoop dull eyes framed by shameless furrows. Gone is peaceful serenity to slake his soul. Can these perfidious wrongs be disavowed? Will serendipity unfurl his frame? Only his Maker can redden a dispetaled rose.

Additional Notes:
the sad plight of the homeless

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-03-07 15:26:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn: Though it is the eleventh hour, I am still discovering poems I cannot believe I didn't critique! This one is an amazingly portrayal of a man who could be any man -- without your additional notes it is impossible to tell who he is. In a way I cannot help but think of him as possible an angel in disguise. He also has the appearance of a holy beggar. The message to me is that we never know who we are encountering, so best treat them insofar as we are able, as we would be treated. There are so many images before my mind's eye brought by this poem. One is a portrait my father painted of such a man. But looking at him, one realizes one is looking at royalty, though his "tattered attire" would suggest otherwise. The other image is of my grandfather, who was not homeless nor poor, nor necessarily tattered. But "His gait was languid, bent, his demeanor drooped with onerous rue, sorrow etched his wrinkled brow." His son had committed a crime and was sent to prison, not once, but three times. He lost his business as a result of the scandal. He fell ill and was never again able to stand up straight, as his Parkinson's disease gave him a severely stooped posture. "What (robbed) rapture from this man's face?" Was it the destruction of his dreams by the Great Depression, or the death of his adoptive mother? Was it the loss of his inheritance for marrying the wrong woman, from the 'other side' of the tracks? Was it an addiction? Was it simply that the tragedies of his life were so overwhelming that his hope died, and along with that, his ability to strive towards any purposeful goal? Tragedy apparent in his aching stoop dull eyes framed by shameless furrows. Gone is peaceful serenity to slake his soul. Can these perfidious wrongs be disavowed? Will serendipity unfurl his frame? Only his Maker can redden a dispetaled rose. The similar sounds in "perfidious/serendipity" are a study of the minute differences in circumstances which can make or break us. The former suggests, at the least, disloyalty. Having done wrong, or failing to do good. The latter suggests great good fortune, or "the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for" -- MW Dictionary. The preceding "serenity" suggests the Serenity Prayer from AA, and thus that the man perhaps struggled a losing battle with alcohol. Perhaps not during the moment he is seen, "dispetaled" but at some earlier date. I cannot help but hear again the truthful but perhaps overused phrase in my mind "There but for the grace of God go I." Your poem is a much more eloquent statement. It is written with great recognition and compassion for the human condition. And acknowledgement that only our Maker can judge us, or redeem us. Outstanding in every way. I believe this to be among your very finest poems, Marilyn Kudos! My best always, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2005-03-04 17:49:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Oh yes Mailyn, anyone who is a people watcher sees those exat traits in the homeless, it seems to be their rose has dimished, and only death will free them to eternal happiness. You speak universally in this poem, all apt descriptions, and the presentation is great. It's a wonderful but very sad plight you present in this poem. The irony many circumstances have created the Homiless people we see, and I believe that a very fibe line makes many affluent, and a fine line makes for homiless, anyone can be susceptable to the plight you present. Strong descriptives on physical attire, and persa affected, you're done a great job with the projection....good show. my best..Love..Jo Mo (sorry this took so long but I've been really sick for soe reason, unable to respond before now, sorry.)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2005-02-22 12:19:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Marilyn, poignant reminder of the situations which abound in our world. Your verbiage is clear and the pace of the work is easy and flowing. The message is clear and in here and now time. You have an empathetic view of reality and it is both refreshing and sad. Refreshing that you feel the message must be posted, and sad that indeed the message needs to be posted. It is my humble opinion that if the "haves" contributed just one percent more of their time, energy, assets, and true caring, this creation would respond exponentionally and on a level not yet seen in human caring. On the poetic theme, just one suggestion, and it is only my humble opinion. As I read the piece, the theologic overtones became louder and louder, culminating in the final line. I read it as redeem,instead of redden, then re-read it. I anticipated it, and in the context, expected it to be redeem. It was only my thought at the moment, and I hope I do not offend with the sharing of the thought. Always enjoy your timely prose, my best to you, Peace, Paul

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-02-21 23:16:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
marilyn–-Your title completely misled me, but the subsequent language left no doubt as to dire circumstances of this segment of society. Tenebrous verbiage, i.e., languid, bent, drooped, onerous, sorrow, wrinkled, tattered, tragedy, aching stoop, dull eyes, perfidious wrongs) create sad and troubling imagery. I think we’ve all asked ourselves, “why have these people dropped out?”; “how did they reach this point in their life?”; “don’t they have any pride/shame/ family?”; “What robed (robbed?) rapture from this man’s face?” The afore mentioned questions can be judgmental/biased, however, these later ones request/inference simple yes/no answers; “Can these perfidious wrongs be disavowed? Will serendipity unfurl his frame?” Scribe has sagely proposed the definitive denouement; “Only his Maker can redden a dispetaled (de-petaled?) rose.” This melancholic read is well written poetically and emotionally. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-02-21 22:26:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.79310
Hi Poet....the title The Rose caught my attention and of course I just had to read on..........the Rose is the most beautiful of flowers to some, even with its thorns.....to me the carnation is more so but that would be another story for another time..... Your opening stanza so reminded me of a rose that has stood in the vase perhaps a few days too long and it begins to droop, it loses its hope for another day, it forgets to stretch forth inviting new ideas and life around it....thus the man with his His gait was languid, bent, his demeanor drooped with onerous rue, sorrow etched his wrinkled brow. My mama's most favorite flower was the single red rose.......again the aroma it gave off and the simple beauty of it touched her soul......as I am finding within the lines the simple sight of these homeless ones have touched your heart to the point of allowing emotions and feelings to appear on paper for others to feel as well as see the images you project. Billy was a homeless person and by his own choosing......Billy will again be a homeless person once he is released from prison, again it will be his own doing for he cannot conform to the rules and regulations associated with society and living with others........there must be that respect for life perhaps one might say and some just do not have it......it is sad how the homeless become......they do not start out that way in the beginning.....I knew a homeless man who was a multimillionaire.......he made his fortune, raised a family then one day packed a bag and off he set to walk the highways of the world with not a penney taken from the millions he had......we would see him early in the morning on our way to work, you might find him sheltered under the large over past bridges from the weather......rain is one of their enemies along with the severe winter storms here in New England......people who dig in rubbish bins for scraps of food, who line up for food banks, and who just beg for a cup of coffee.....sad, indeed....breaks one's heart.......might want to take a few home with me someday but would that really help them...... good structure, word flow and again images......you have brought us to this unfortunate man that you say only God can redden this rose.......thanks for posting and sharing with us.....again you will see it has touched this readers heart not only with memories but emotions as well....God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2005-02-21 21:38:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Re: “The Rose” I love your title. It fashions and “twist” that is characteristic of strong writing. “demeanor drooped with onerous rue, sorrow etched his wrinkled brow.” *** The alliteration of “d’s” fit the cadence of “onerous rue,” like a tailor-made glove. And, it ties into the next line to amount to exceptional word choice. [My goodness, there are some good poets on this site!] “What robed rapture from this man's face?” *** You had me looking at a personified rose until this query, Marilyn, and hence “the twist.” Fiction writers scramble to achieve it, and it’s just as effective in poetry. Good work! “Can these perfidious wrongs be disavowed? Will serendipity unfurl his frame? Only his Maker can redden a dispetaled rose.” *** I can only think of, “pure poetry” to express my impression of these last three lines. This is an outstanding example of poetic trope, milady. Writing like this helps me in the continued understanding that I have plenty to learn. Thank you for posting. Len

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-02-21 15:33:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Yes...what I will never understand is why we North Americans allow this. Instead of war... well we sure can make this world a better place to live in. The envy of all, Iraqui's, too. Ah but free choice. His gait was languid, bent, his demeanor drooped with onerous rue, sorrow etched his wrinkled brow.....languid does mean drooped as well so maybe you can drop that and say he had an onerous rue? What robed rapture from this man's face?.....robbed? Only his Maker can redden a dispetaled rose....love that line. A great close. Around here we have a couple of these guys who don't want to change or want help. The local barbers give them a free haircut each year, but they continue to let their hair grow long and shaggy. They don't want help. I've never talked to them. Perhaps schizophrenic? Who knows. Anyway, thanks for your insight.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandee L McMullan On Date: 2005-02-21 15:03:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95652
Title: The Rose Beginning: First impressions of the character are introduced to raise interest, I read on with aroused curiosity and some feelings regarding his wrinkled brow. This image alone implies concern and compassion for his worry. Oops! A stumble here in the first line with grammar: “languid, bent,” perhaps “and” or an emdash will help the comma out; also give clarity to gait. However, I notice bent and drooped are similar in meaning also; perhaps another word to replace one or other. (Maybe drowsy?) There is a grand vocabulary from which to choose. OH! “the shape and drape” perfect rhyme and the alliteration of “tattered attire” to follow brings this character’s appearance and demeanor alive in front of me. Line 6 seems misplaced and I stumbled as the vision of the man appeared on my mind screen. Perhaps if I may suggest to move this line to follow >> “his wrinkled brow” as it would directly tie and link with his face, promoting the question as one noticeable from the etching found there. I am not sure how that would work with the structure of the poem. I see the lines of 3 (triolets) but still, this line “What robed rapture from this man’s face?” is one that stands with importance of its own, lends power to the overall of the character and hinges on the further queries that follow. I suggest perhaps: “robed rapture” = robed the rapture But I know you may wish to keep the alliteration. The end rhymes are quite unique: rue/brow, waist/face. “Gone is peaceful serenity to slake his soul” seems a tad long in syllables. Perhaps: “Gone is peaceful” = no peaceful. I enjoyed the read much, and the ending hits the title powerfully to metaphor the rose. Esp like “dispetaled rose”. Poetic license > dispetaled could also be depetaled. The queries give further clues to the character and they build in meaning to the summation of “rose”. good one. . . . . regards PS: Sorry, I missed the footnote, before I read this. In my effort to give my first impression of the piece a fair approach in critique. The poem can stand on its own without any further footnoting, imo. Trust your reader to gather the essence of “sad plight of the homeless” or perhaps choose a rendition of this statement in the title. This would flavour it for the reader before they enter the poem. eg: “the homeless rose”

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2005-02-21 13:23:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Marilyn, What a sad piece, but all too real in this world and the saddest part of it - is it could happen to anyone. I just saw a story recently about a woman from Calif. who retired to Las Vegas - gambled all of her savings away and was left homeless. Your intent on bringing this sad truth before the reader was done well. My heart sank as I read, realizing that there are so many who are homeless and the world isn't "big" enough to give them all a home. Their refuge in shelters is at the max, which states it's beyond a crisis point - but how does the world resolve this issue. I've no idea. I as a single parent barely keep the roof over my head and do whatever it takes to keep it above us. This was an emotional read. DeniMari

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