This Poem was Submitted By: Patricia Gibson-Williams On Date: 2005-02-27 02:36:41 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Outside My Window
Five years old;
I watch her playing
under the sweet gum tree.
Dappled sunlight
litters her face
as she turns and smiles at me.
Raven hair
Just like her dad
she catches the neighbors cat.
Giggling, spinning,
dreaming, dancing
She dresses it up in her hat.
A handful of flowers
wrapped up in ribbons
She’s a beautiful make-believe bride.
I look out the window
with tears in my eyes
and smile with sorrow and pride.
A humming bird glimmers
from flower to flower
gliding on gossamer wings.
I hear her as clearly
as thunder in springtime
But I can’t place the song that she sings.
I can’t help but watch her
for moments… for hours…
Till I turn and collapse in despair.
She’s the child I dreamed of
and prayed for; for years
But I know that she’s not really there.
|
|
Copyright © February 2005 Patricia Gibson-Williams
Additional Notes:
This is one from my infertility collection.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2005-03-04 19:27:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Oh my Patricia, what despair to have this dream, to know it's an impossible dream.
From my window, literally your placement in the grand snheme of life, despair to want, but to know it will never happen.
I love th title, but understand it's a metahor to dream to wish but dreams that never materlize.
I know infertility can be one of the most dehablitating positions, to want that daughter, to see through dreams (while even awake), the beauty of this child, but mostly I'm left with the impression of hurt, and disappointment. So many women have infertility problems, but those that want that child so bad, well it's a real hurting place.
Your presentation is strong, it brigs home the plight, and the hurt, and speaks a truth, thiose of us that concieved (you know Specialist told me I'd never have children, my Uterus was upside down, so seeing a sperm sucessfully make the trip was impossible, but God worked a mericle for I ending up with 3 pregnancies, but each one became more difficult, my last child they thought would be born stillborn, pragnancy well it's tought, and when I was on the delivery table and they told me they could hear a heart beat from the baby, I prayed and I never used God that way, my belief is that it's God's will, but I didn't want a stillborn baby, not after nine months, and God heard my prayers for Eric was born breech, feet first face up, a big baby (that saved his life the fact he was so robust, and he lived, and I could breath again), so I know how not being able to have children could affect a woman, and you prest it in a projection that makes the reader aware)..Wonderful job, sorry this is so late I've been very ill and I'm trying to catch up on the poetry, but you tit;r stopped me cold, and I read, and am amazed you have been able to present a beautiful poem, although sad, not to be. Great job...Love Jo Mo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-03-03 12:19:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Patricia, there is so much in these verses that I cannot touch. The power and inviolate manner of the condition is so powerful that as you share of the vibrant, resoluteness of creation, I am absorbed by the knowledge of the near curse that would overwhelm me if I was, “barren”. I hate that word, whether of children, writing, the longing of the soul… when I use it, I feel it.
This is a beautiful poem. Its beauty surpasses me. Each line calls to a different aspect of the transcendence creation. And when you collapsed, you took me with you.
The love of my life, whom because of unalterable assignments, is not my wife, could not conceive. To this day, were I ever a single parent again, she is the thought that comes to my mind, the beauty I want my son to see,.. should trajedy affect my life.
thank you for this window, it is too much to bear, and I am not the one who must bear it, that burden, I can only observe
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2005-03-02 13:24:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Patricia,
What vivid imagery you have used here! I can envision the child that you have longed for, yet who wasn't to be.
You have given us all a glimpse of the child that lives in your heart. I know that the loss of something that is desperately desired can be as real as the loss of something real. I hope that you have found peace, and let this child live on in your heart. "Dappled sunlight litters her face"...perhaps 'dappled sunlight [dances upon] her face' would give it a smoother flow....either way, it works for me, as I can envision the sunlight on her face...just a suggestion. Thanks for the read! I enjoyed it very much! I feel as if I have just witnessed this girl from outside your window as well.
Beck
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-02-28 13:11:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82759
Patricia–This addressing of your personal heartbreaking infertility issue is bravely,
soberly, eloquently, and poignantly done. And, made all the more impressive by scribe
being able to express her heartfelt feelings in unforced rhymes (too much other poetic
rhetoric is present to single out as particular favorites). Only those who experience
such heart wrenching pain/emptiness can truthfully know what you’ve gone through and/
or what it took to pen such an emotional charged piece. I for one hope that a combi-
nation of significant other support, counselings, friends and this unique elocution of
protagonist unrequited wish/want/desire to have a child of her own will serve as a ca-
tharsis and perhaps clear the way for an adoption to help fill this sad void. Thanks
for sharing this courageous and heartwarming realism. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-02-28 08:47:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71795
Wow, Poet this is so beautiful, touching, filled with your love and yearning for a child.......the visioncreated of this little five year old girl, her simple love of being, ........the innocence in her play......good structure, word flow that fills each one in awe of a little girl to have and to hold, to love and watch grow and in the end.....the reality that she is just a vision created by you.....not there, one of your infertility collections.........I have no clue to how old you may be poet, but I would like to say my baby is having a baby......her first, a gift from God, she is thirty two.......my Godmother had her first at forty after being refused by the adoption agency.....too old they said......God thought different......one never knows when one will be blessed.......I hope your collection has come to finally include a gift from God. Thank you for posting and sharing this piece which must have been difficult to write........though you have brought her to life with your words.......God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-02-27 19:13:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56000
Pat,
Pooooo.......... You need a child as sure as the sun arises. There must be one on the horizon.
There are so many children homeless needing someone to love. I believe someday your dreams will be met. Maybe not exactly how you think. But expect the surprise. It's kind of like gravity. It will flow that way if desired enough!
Anyway your poem just reached out and grabbed both my child's heart and my mothering heart!I relived being a sweet young child playing getting married. And yes the mother at the window.
The font, I believe helped it all flow so lightly across the mind, visually the page. The wording;
sweet gum,giggling, spinning, dreaming, dancing,glimmers, gliding gossamer wings
[lots of alliterations/ing/g's/songs she sings]
The rhyming appears invisible; tree-me,cat-hat despair-there bride-pride,wings-sings.
This all made the poem fairy tale light till the last stanza lines;
She’s the child I dreamed of and prayed for; for years
But I know that she’s not really there.
I like your title, It could almost be inside-rather than outside.
Best to you,
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-02-27 17:34:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
Thanks for the note 'cause it had me wondering. This is a well crafted poem from beginning to
end. It held my interest and attention with the rhyming pattern a perfection of notes.This is
a loverly piece of what's not to be yet there springs hope never-the-less. Glimmers, Gliding,
gossamer ... rolls off the tongue and my minds eye. Thanks for this loverly piece.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-02-27 14:53:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Patricia:
This is an exquisitely beautiful, heartbreaking poem. I have a very strong impression
from it which I will share via email. But not to address poetics like these is to miss
the poem. You've written with the best muses there are: truthfulness combined with
a delicate hand and sincere emotion, IMO. It simply aches with the love you have
for the children who are yet unborn, the children of your soul's deepest desires.
The final two stanzas hit me with such force. The soft, rather mystical glimmering
of the hummingbird, combined with "thunder in springtime" are powerfully evocative
images. The poem's final line "But I know that she's not really there" speaks so
profoundly for the grief felt by those who have struggled with infertility and/or
miscarriage and stillbirth. I might suggest some slight alteration of "of" in L4
of S5 (one stanza for each year of the child's age). But I feel that might be
intrusive. "She's the child of whom I dreamed" sounds pedantic to my ears, even
if grammatically correct. I'd stay with the way you have it here. It will ring
truer, I think, for readers who share your sorrow.
Brava!
My best always,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sumit Singla On Date: 2005-02-27 06:18:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
The poem carries an amazing twist in the last stanza. Well written, with a good flow and structure, it sure makes an interesting read!!
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!