This Poem was Submitted By: hello haveaniceday On Date: 2005-03-10 19:55:08 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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An Escher Life When temper's lost its steely fight,
and sadness' yet to sink its biting grip,
only a strobe-lit moment in between
what was, and changes in the wings.
For some that moment goes for years
spent straddling a multitude of fearsome
choices, weighing without measure,
taking breath and solace from mere pressure.
Others leap to grasp the closest shore
of rocks, thinking of strength, a solid floor
to regain balance, but below the shifting sand
belies again new tremors in the land.
That flash of truth is wary news to some
one's love will darken others' sunny days...
so tangled and enmeshed this Escher life,
where trudging any stair will lead to strife.
Most think this inner tragedy well hid
with smiles and bodies dressed just so to bid
the world a safe illusion, wrong -
we see who are the singers of this song.
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Copyright © March 2005 hello haveaniceday
Additional Notes:
I do struggle with punctuation and had tried to somehow wrap or stagger the rhyme here... not sure what that's all about, but suggestions are welcome. Barbara
This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-04-05 22:18:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667
Barbara,
Don't accuse me of writing the world's best critique. And of punctuation, I add my own in as I read your words, so I'm afraid I can't help you there. You're probably wondering by now if I'm good for anything. LOL! Well in all honesty, I read for content and how well my interpretation of that content is communicated. I say "my interpretation", because I will never truly know what you were thinking at the time you wrote this poem; however, I hope to come close enough to celebrate your writing with you.
First of all when I glanced at the title of this poem on the list I was reminded of the painting you allude to in the poem. Let me be one of many who will say that you couldn't have picked a better image or metaphor to title this poem in. I think we all get trapped or feel trapped in this image at times. I try not to stay there too long, or perhaps I'm always standing at the bottom of a new stair that leads me to another? You never really know. It helps to smile a lot, though, the path may be difficult and usually the wrong one.
When temper's lost its steely fight,
and sadness' yet to sink its biting grip,
only a strobe-lit moment in between
what was, and changes in the wings.
In this first stanza you place me between anger and sadness comparing it to a the space between a strobe lit moment. That works well. For, you, just like a strobe flash, have but a quick moment to consider what was before the "changes in the wings". Yes, this works and is fresh. Consciously or unconsciously you associate really well.
And how well you place emphasis on the "s" sound in this stanza and how well that sound works for the ear.
"S" appears eleven times and serves to add a certain fluid feeling to the beginning of this reading.
I also think "steely fight" works well with "biting grip". OK it's time for me to stop using the word "well". LOL Pardon me as I indulge in a laugh at self.
For some that moment goes for years
spent straddling a multitude of fearsome
choices, weighing without measure,
taking breath and solace from mere pressure.
I feel a sadness in this second stanza, a feeling of panic and helplessness that comes from always searching for the right answer. I see the person having lived this moment repeatedly so often as to take "breath and solace from mere pressure".
Others leap to grasp the closest shore
of rocks, thinking of strength, a solid floor
to regain balance, but below the shifting sand
belies again new tremors in the land.
The first line of this second stanza reminds me of the people or person who is always "right" in life. "Strength" can be such an illusion or lack permanency or be simply unfounded. To me, you do a great job of symbolizing this here.
That flash of truth is wary news to some
one's love will darken others' sunny days...
so tangled and enmeshed this Escher life,
where trudging any stair will lead to strife.
I like the idea that the "flash of truth" is "one's love", while it darkens "others' sunny days". You reinforce the irony of this in the last two lines. Excellent writing!
Most think this inner tragedy well hid
with smiles and bodies dressed just so to bid
the world a safe illusion, wrong -
we see who are the singers of this song.
How right you are. I'm working on a poem called "The Plastic Rose" that attempts to highlight the fact that many live in a pseudo glamour world that lacks the love and sensitivity they attempt to portrait with their bouquet of plastic roses. To quote you one last time, "we see who are the singers of this song."
Barbara, I think that this poem shows intelligence, creativity, sensitivity, as well as balance and a great use of poetic device. The rhyme used is hardly noticeable, working "well" to move the stanzas, rather than distract from them, as it should.
Again, as for punctuation, I just don't know, I didn't see any problems with the line breaks though.
Overall, excellent writing.
Best,
Troy
p.s. Thanks for being patient with my sense of humor=)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-03-29 20:29:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Barbara:
Ah, complexity! In Escher's work what you see the first time is most certainly
not all there is to see. The same can be said of this poem, which reveals new
possibilities with each rereading.
When temper's lost its steely fight,
and sadness' yet to sink its biting grip, (gripping bite?)
only a strobe-lit moment in between
what was [,] and changes in the wings.
The fascinating first stanza limns a space like Escher’s implausible
ones – a pause, a moment “in between” what is past and what may be
yet to come. Intense imagery with “strobe-lit” which intensifies the
sense of ‘black and white’ which is evoked by the name Escher. The
second line perhaps could end in ‘gripping bite’ to preserve the
end-rhyme, although you do mention wanting to stagger it. I think
that the comma in L4 of S1 could be omitted. Quite honestly, I’ve
come to anticipate your lines with fewer commas and do enjoy the
slightly disorienting feeling that that lends, a sense of suspension
over words that interchange and melt a little. Escher’s precision
juxtaposed with impossible spaces. One of feature of your writing
that is most attractive to this reader is its unexpected quality.
For some that moment goes for years
spent straddling a multitude of fearsome
choices, weighing without measure,
taking breath and solace from mere pressure.
For example, a “moment” that “goes for years” and “weighing
without measure” – phrases that are slightly oxymoronic, if
you will, but apt, because language is imprecise. What I sense
from the above stanza is a sort of comfort which can be found in
momentum, perhaps that of someone squeezed between responsibilities
of mid-life, work and relationships. Life moves us, though we may
straddle “fearsome choices.” The pressure of indecision can feel
like an enclosure of sorts.
Others leap to grasp the closest shore
of rocks, thinking of strength, a solid floor
to regain balance, but below the shifting sand
belies again new tremors in the land.
I love this stanza. Deciding doesn’t insure safety and security, but may give
only the illusion of same. L2 of S3’s “thinking of strength, a solid floor”
does lose the meter somewhat -- but as soon as I begin to play around with meter
and punctuation I begin to lose the sense of being IN the poem. This often happens
when I’m in the midst of revision of my own work. I’d omit the second comma in that
line, perhaps.
That flash of truth is wary news to some
one's love will darken others' sunny days...
so tangled and enmeshed this Escher life,
where trudging any stair will lead to strife.
This stanza above is key – it is a whole poem unto itself, IMO. I could not resist
playing with it somewhat, imagining it as an apostrophe to be quoted at the
beginning of others’ future poems.
This flash of truth is wary news to some:
One’s love will darken others’ sunny days –
so tangled and enmeshed this Escher life
where trudging any stair will lead to strife.
Most think this inner tragedy well hid
with smiles and bodies dressed just so to bid
the world a safe illusion, wrong -
we see who are the singers of this song.
The final stanza reveals the speaker’s insight that our “inner tragedy” cannot
be hid. It is fascinating to think about – the personal illusions that we all
carry, assuming our private fears and turmoil are not visible to others. We
see the distress and posturing of others, but not our own. The final line
shows us, I think, looking at ourselves – like the Escher engraving “Hands”
which each draw the other – a conundrum of perplexity. What my son might
have called, an "endearing complexity."
I may have strayed quite a distance from your intent. In any case, I have
immensely enjoyed the poem and this chance to share my thoughts with you.
Many thanks for another highly engaging work. I expect to see this on
the winner's list, without doubt.
Kudos!
Best regards,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-03-16 10:09:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.13636
Poet.....I like the structure, the word flow, the images projected with the flare of your pen....I am not one for punctuation when I write, not knowing where it should actually go but to me where you have placed it within the lines of this piece allows for one to take it all in, I might add good job on that score........then too you have allowed for emotions flowing throughout as well......the dark side of life, the black and white perhaps of it all with very little color once the fighting has taken hold, not let go., etc., many will be able to associate with most of this read for them that is what life is about........thank you for posting, sharing with us.....God Bless, Claire
Your closing stanza does state it all my friend that most of all do keep it all in, the sadness of life by dressing it up, if only they knew how to let it go, give it up to God and walk away knowing He will guide us through.......
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2005-03-14 10:13:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Escher Life
What a great descriptive title - takes us right into the poem - [and
up the down staricase through the never ending - ever bending room]
When temper's lost its steely fight, [great]
and [sadness's-[a little hard on the teeth perhaps - sadness yet...?] to sink its biting grip,
only a strobe-lit moment [is?] between
what was, and changes in the wings. [a beat short I think]
For some that moment goes for years
spent straddling a multitude of fearsome [great enjambment here]
choices, weighing without measure, [and neat oxymoron]
taking breath and solace from mere pressure.
wonderful stanza alive with both foreboding and solace
Others leap to grasp the closest shore [grasp? A little hard to picture on the literal
level perhaps kiss or leap -find - or just "leap toward"]
of rocks, thinking of strength, a solid floor
to regain balance, but below[,] the shifting sand
belies again new tremors in the land. [ amazing -yes]
brilliant powerful metaphor is being sustained here
That flash of truth is wary news to some [ah, yes]
one's love will darken others' sunny days...indeed
so tangled and enmeshed this Escher life,
where trudging any stair will lead to strife.
Strife? I think to keep the literal image alive it might be better to
describe it as a state of chaos or confusion or - dead end.
Most think this inner tragedy well hid [sorry but i think it should be "hidden" even if it does not scan or rhyme]
with smiles and bodies dressed just so to bid
the world a safe illusion, wrong -
we see who are the singers of this song.
WE DO - but sometimes too late - great theme - fresh rhyme - luscious word choices - sorry to
mess with it so much - i am a notorious pedant
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-03-12 23:45:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Barbara,
I'll begin with the punctuation by using 'me' as an instance. When I began writing seriously I punctuated everything (commas, full-stops, exclamations, colons (you name it) flew about the entire piece and I realized that I had begun thinking too much about the punctuation and over-punctuating my creations. While this piece doesn't seem to have succumbed to the pressure of punctuations like my early pieces did, I would personally suggest leaving your poems open so that the thought of punctuating them doesn't arise in the future. What I did was to leave out punctuation all together and let the inherent meter in the poem do the talking. Mostly, it worked and sometimes it didn't but the thought of not punctuating pieces left me quite at ease. You could try it too.
Now coming to the poem.
The title you have given this piece that delves deep into the dark depths of the human psyche is apt. Escher painted in black and white (reflecting fact with nothing to hide) and was always known for his graphic style.
This poem does no less in its attempt to take us to a very deep dark place and is rich in its philosophical undertones. The imagery is vivid.
It's an account of what most humans go through such as the myriad choices we confront in our daily lives, the fear of choosing, and those who do 'leap to grasp the closest rock of shores' but are unaware that 'the shifting sand belies again new tremors in the land'-------referring to the adventurous and risk-takers.
This poem wastes no time in making its readers think. Well done! With regards to the rhyme,I would suggest sorting out verse 1 especially. How about if it read -
When temper's lost its steely fight,
and sadness' yet to sink its bite,
only a strobe-lit moment in between -------(you might have to change this word to rhyme it wings or change)
what was, and changes in the wings
Nevertheless, this made for a very enduring read and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Take Care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-03-11 20:16:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
For me the rhyme scheme works well. Had to read it a couple more times to get the essence.
You also had me scrambling to find out who Escher is (was?). If that's the artist, his works is
very well detailed and laid out...all black and white (the ones on the net anyway that I saw).
Is that how you see your life? Black and White with no grey or middle ground? The artist is very
graphic in his approach. Very detailed so there is something there that you like vs. a Monet or
Picasso where there is a multitude of colours. You mention truth. exactly what is it? Yours,
mine? Is science truth? I'm rambling, but you got me interested and that's enough for me. Your
title is what drew me into this piece 'cause I didn't know what you were writing about. Good
conclusion as well.
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