This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-30 17:27:22 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Lament Sun stained and golden
his strands perfectly a skew
intrude upon his face
yet never so
to impede the view
of his eyes
a tortured blue.
The vision appears
my stomach twists
violent and swift-
a bathroom door ajar
death’s not so subtle scent
rising off the boy
hollow, hushed, and hell-bent.
In sullied boxes of the mind
such memories of lament
of a stolen love
so pure and true
half bloomed yet heaven sent.
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Copyright © April 2005 Audrey R Donegan
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-05-04 19:38:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.81818
Still in a LSD haze?
Good poem about long ago.
Thanks
This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-05-01 23:04:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Audrey,
I know that this is the third poem that I've commented on of yours but after reading this I'm not going to stop. It's almost as if I'm reading a book of poems by a published poet, perhaps, I am. "Lament", took me totally by surprise. The quality of your writing here is the only thing that shines in this darkness.
Sun stained and golden
his strands perfectly a skew
intrude upon his face
yet never so
to impede the view
of his eyes
a tortured blue.
In the first stanza you show us this "sun stained" child, "golden" in two ways. First he is tanned by the sun and second he is, even though he is young, at the end of his "golden years." Your subtle rhyme, uneven, but not unheard through the words "skew", "view" and "blue". I can see those tortured blue eyes. There is no peace there even in death. I saw them just before two of my best friends committed suicide. Six months apart at the ages of 24 and 25. You couldn't see their eyes afterward. Terrible. I will leave you with an old poem I've written. It's not something that is visible here on the link and I probably won't publish it, as life has moved on, yet I want to share with you, because, honestly, I think you could give me a worthy critique of it. It will be waiting for you at the end of this critique. I'd appreciate it. I don't know if this is a suicide or not. It feels similar.
The vision appears
my stomach twists
violent and swift-
a bathroom door ajar
death’s not so subtle scent
rising off the boy
hollow, hushed, and hell-bent.
This is so strong in its description, I can almost smell the death. I like the fact that you have the smell of death rising, almost as if it were his soul rising, and you follow that in alliteration, ending with "hell-bent". An irony I see there and later when you use the words "heaven sent". One of the reasons I think of this as a suicide, is that many people believe that the person who takes there own life is bound for hell. Perhaps, this was a good and beautiful child that did some very bad things. It's all very troubling, but I'm here.
In sullied boxes of the mind
such memories of lament
of a stolen love
so pure and true
half bloomed yet heaven sent.
Hmm...after reading this stanza again I am confused as to the nature of the child. I see "stolen love" as the loss of something good, followed by "so pure and true", followed by "heaven sent" and am left wondering if in fact "hell-bent" should be seen in terms of motion. Like the child was running "hell-bent for election" and ran into something that killed him, figuratively speaking. I don't know.
Lastly, I want to say that if this was your son or brother or friend, I am truly sorry. I only analyze it to support your work, not because I'm a callus uncaring person.
As for that poem. I decided not to post it unless you in fact want to read it. It's ok either way. No one has seen it for the last five years.
And again, I'm sorry.
Best, Always,
Troy
This Poem was Critiqued By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-05-01 07:31:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.68293
Audrey,
Such a sad poem, yet I feel it's power luring me to read it over and over.
In line three of the first stanza it would sound better if 'intrude' were 'intruded', in keeping with the same tense. In the last stanza I suggest the last two lines be broken to read:
so pure
so true
half bloomed
yet heaven sent.
In this order it flows better with the rest of your poem.
Hope I helped.
Helen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-04-30 19:08:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.53846
Audrey,
Sounds like it wern't meant to be!
lament/sent askew/view
Your poetry doesn't 'rhyme' like preordained and necessary, but rather
spontaineous, surprising!
I love good rhyming which isn't forced!
I like sullied boxes of mind......
a good full bloomed poem.
Another winner!
Dellena
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