This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2005-06-23 16:24:23 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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I Cried for You Today For David and Julienne
Walking through the pine filled wood
I thought of you my dears
As my heart was heavy-laden
With thirteen unfilled years
You were walking right beside me
Your spirits I could feel
The wind it whispered in my ears
It’s time your heart was healed
I followed along this narrow path
That led me to your grave
A shallow spot beside the lake
The trees bestowed their shade
I read your cards of memory
I wrote to you and buried this year
To celebrate that special day
For mothers far and near
And then I reached into the earth
To narrow out the space
Which held you safe for three months
And asked God for your grace
I lifted you up to the universe
the heavens and skies so deep
And prayed you’d be softly laid
On angel wings to sleep
And as I knelt before your tomb
My eyes began to fill
The tears that I’ve held back for years
Finally began to spill
I stayed there for what seemed like eons
Held in your embrace
As the salve for heartache’s pain
Trickled down my face
Sometime later by the lake I stood
Gazing across the glass
My heart had found peace within
Knowing that you’d passed
And so I cried for you today
As my feet tread lightly on the earth
Carried my body, heart and soul
I found solace about your births
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Copyright © June 2005 Mandie J Overocker
Additional Notes:
Dedicated to my twins born on June 20, 1992, stolen away by the cult and separated at birth for 'scientific' reasons and the furtherance of man's knowledge of human nature.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-07-06 08:42:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87037
Dear Mandie:
It is very difficult to respond to this poem for your children. The loss of
a child is likely the most tragic event we can bear as humans. Tragically,
your twins, abducted at birth and subjected to experiments seems almost too
painful to contemplate. I can’t analyze this piece for poetics as I would
ordinarily do. It is so evocative, so deeply anguished that I can only
respond as another mother who has lost a child. The circumstances are
different, but in grief there is a universal language of the heart. So
recognizable in your poem. The high point in the poem, for me, is
the speaker (you) now able to release tears for David and Julienne. It
marks a turning point, as you show us in this poem. What I took from
it is that as the speaker is able to release the tears, her children
feel it, feel a sense of healing in their hearts. The speaker buries
the “cards of memory” in effect setting free the grieving which
has been central to her existence these thirteen years.
I am especially moved by this stanza below, as you lift your
children to another ‘deepness’ of the heavens, and pray for
them to sleep “on angel wings.” It is so difficult to read this
and write to you. I can only imagine the difficulty of writing
the poem.
I lifted you up to the universe
the heavens and skies so deep
And prayed you’d be softly laid
On angel wings to sleep
And as I knelt before your tomb
My eyes began to fill
The tears that I’ve held back for years
Finally began to spill
Finally, after years of silent ‘held’ tears, the speaker (you) allow
the tears to spill. This rhymed poem is well-crafted, though its
message is far beyond any ‘techniques’ and such, because it
tells your story of survival and overcoming. It is beyond the
scope of the experiences of most people, and so enlarges
our understanding of what can be endured by strength,
love and endurance. Here is hope, because few of us are
called upon for such courage as you show in your
response to the tragic deaths of your children, and your
willingness to ‘go there’ with us now.
And so I cried for you today
As my feet tread lightly on the earth
Carried my body, heart and soul
I found solace about your births
May the solace found continue to comfort you, Mandie, in
the years ahead. This is a heartbreaking poem, but yet one
which ends on a hopeful note. We can carry one another’s
burdens to the extent to which we are able to listen to their
stories, and you have honored us by trusting us with yours.
Brava!
My prayers and thoughts are with you and your children.
My best always,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-07-05 13:50:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.47500
And what a heart-felt moment I had when I read this. It is perfectly laid out, from line to
line, stanza to stanza. You brought it to the end with dignity. It is hard to lose ones own
children. After all, aren't we supposed to go first. Now, as a note, I have counselled and taken
courses of cults in Canada, and I wonder what the name of this cult is, and have you been able
to bring charges against them? Thanks for this insight into your feelings.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-06-25 05:14:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92308
Poet what can one say about something so heart filled.......it is beautifully stated to the memory of your twins taken from you at birth......the pain, torment, loss within seems so hard to understand for someone who has not walked this road you have had to endure........your little ones are angels watching over you as you so well stated, they have given you the freedom to forgive yourself as it was not your fault.....no matter what circumstances you found yourself in...........good structure, word flow and filled with images and emotions as only you can show us.....a most difficult piece to write but one that will bring forth a healing from within. Thank you again for sharing this with us, take good care, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-06-24 23:53:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.96552
Hi Mandie,
Poetry is an art-form, which like most other arts (such as painting) takes on a very therapeutic mantle as well. It gives poets the opportunities to communicate their sorrows, their failures, their mistakes and their pressures thereby unburdening their heavy souls. Poetry has alwasy been a counsellor to me. I have sought its refuge to unburden my heart and mind. yet, there are some tragedies that befall us that leave their scars forever and poetry ,merely serves as a channel of communication or revelation.
You have poured your heart out in this poem and have shared such deep sorrow and hardship through each and every line. Some of us in this world today take the good things in life for granted. We fail to realise that the world is not all about flashing billboards, rolex watches, cinema and cash. There is a darkness in life that affects us. Everyone has had their share of miseries and it is in understanding the others sorrows and reaching out a hand of friendship that this world could ever be a better place to live in. In your poem, Manide, you have brought a very persoanl and tragic issue of your life to the forefront and it serves as a stark reminder to all of us that life is not a bed of roses if we turn a deaf ear or fail to acknowledge the thorns.
'I cried for you today' is an apt title that sets the tone for this piece. It sets the stage for what is to come, namely heartbreak, sorrow or to sum it all up, tragedy. The essence of tragedy in this piece is even further heightened as this is about a mother remembering the death or separation of her twins under the harshest of circumstances. We all know that there is often no greater bond than the one shared between a mother and children and this piece, very tearfully, testifies to it.
The poem is itself broken up into stages of a walk in the pine-wood forest. It is a walk both symbolic and real even as you lead us from the remembrance of your loss ('I thought of you my dears') to the tomb of your precious twins ('..as I knelt before your tomb'). It is also a walk of confrontation as you set out to fianlly come to terms with this loss and as many of us would know, the confrontation is in the form of tears...letting it all out and accepting reality very painfuly ('And as I knelt before your tomb, My eyes began to fill, The tears that I’ve held back for years,Finally began to spill'). The imagery of you holding up the memory of your twins to the universe is very strong.
Now, while this piece also serves as an expression of a final separation, it is equal in its stamp of eternal love. ('You were walking right beside me, Your spirits I could feel). The love will endure eternally and your twins will forever remain alive in your heart as they look upon on you from heaven. This line strengthens the power of love and the ability of bonds to cross-over from this life into eternity.
years is a very long time, Mandie. Life can be so cruel at times and I will not even venture into understanding how you felt as I have not gone through anything as harsh as this.
The poem was written on a rhyme scheme. You will know by now that rhyme has always been my favorite form. Like the earlier poem I critiqued, the rhyme in this one is also not too forced and carries this heart-wrenching walk in the pine-wood to your meeting with solace of the birth of your twins.
With reagrds to the meter you might want to iron out a few portions that might be a little too stretched in contrast to the general meter of the scheme. For example verse 5|line 3 - you could add one more syllable - how about 'three whole months' or 'three long months'. Infact, I've counted the syllables for Line 3 of the other verses and most of them are of 8 syllables. The line 3 of this particular verse and a couple of others had 7 syllables. If you tweak this a little, your meter would be more uniform.
You could also look at the last lines of the verses. Most of them have a syllable count of 6 but there are some with 5---'trickled down my face'.
However, these suggestions are very minor when compared to the depth of emotion you have expressed here. The poem has opened the deepest rooms of your heart and that my friend, is the power of poetry.
Take care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-23 18:08:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45833
Mandie,
This is by far one of your best. It plays like a song in my mind, perfect timing. Your message fills me with awe, you are truly coming to that healing, trials by fire we seem to be put through. I walked with you, cried with you and felt your compassion and passion, your aching, you made me want to hold you and rock you until the pain eased, till you could breath again. This is almost overwhelming but well worth the read. To say thank you for trusting in us to share only trivializes this work so I will just say, safe journeys.
Lora
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