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This Poem was Submitted By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2006-04-22 23:03:27 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Dawn Till Dusk

The dawn clad in dewdrops by its mantle of frost As zephyr across the Olympian sky swept, The cockerel's crow roused the folks Even the poke from deep slumber woke. Sunshine in full sheen greeted hello Foliage in rhythmic mien wobbled 'Mid the sylvan dale, One tranquil morn. The sun kissed the shimmering beach Waves in gaiety clashed. Churning the quicksand, four hands built castles--dreams proliferating The only spectators on cloud nine, beholding the horizon--whence sky and earth met Ever hugged in zenith blazing While picturesque view loomed before their eyes, No photographer to click the camera Merely quetzals taking snapshots. The clock jumps, Now sun bids adieu. Dusk wraps the Elysian daylight.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-05-02 16:43:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80952
This is so full of beautifully written images, and a treat to the senses for sure. I love your use of alliteration througout the piece, especially is the soft "s" sounds...reminds me of the water lapping the beach. I also like the incorporation of the human aspect within as well...adds much to the piece. And my favorite 2 lines I think, thought I do love many is "The cockerel's crow roused the folks Even the poke from deep slumber woke." The hard 'c" is wonderful and goes well with the 'k" in folks..nicely done, for the harsh sound would surely "rouse". and then the inline rhyme of "poke and woke", just set this off perfectly. I really enjoyed your poem! well written indeed.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2006-04-25 13:50:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Jordan, Your originality leaps from the screen. Zest, beauty and humor enliven your poem. It's difficult to imagine a more joyful paean to the full season of a day's time. What a welcome reading on an equally lovely spring day where I live! Your abundance of fricative v's and zinging z's is like electricity running through your strophes. The dawn clad in dewdrops by its mantle of frost As zephyr across the Olympian sky swept, The cockerel's crow roused the folks Even the poke from deep slumber woke. The last line above made me smile. The rhyme is funny, although I wondered if you meant 'pokey' so I looked it up, and found it to mean, one that lags! So, I am one, part of the time. This is so amusing and droll a line, I'd like to steal it. <smile> Sunshine in full sheen greeted hello Foliage in rhythmic mien wobbled 'Mid the sylvan dale, One tranquil morn. I love the way you have the sunshine greeting, and everything so alive. The 'ee' sounds ring with birdsong, I think. The sun kissed the shimmering beach Waves in gaiety clashed. Churning the quicksand, four hands built castles--dreams proliferating The only spectators on cloud nine, beholding the horizon--whence sky and earth met Ever hugged in zenith blazing While picturesque view loomed before their eyes, No photographer to click the camera Merely quetzals taking snapshots. This is wonderful, Jordan. I especially enjoyed the image of four hands that built castles. And you saved best for last "quetzals taking snapshots." The bird's eye view of nature. Magnifique! Thank you so much for this one! My best to you, Joanne The clock jumps, Now sun bids adieu. Dusk wraps the Elysian daylight.

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-04-24 18:53:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.73913
Hi Jordan....this is just a lovely poem! The images you paint with your pen are clear in my mind as I read your words. "Mantel of frost" is just exquisite and I don't know why I never thought of that! Foliage in rhythmic mien wobbled...this is a fantastic coupling of descriptive words that tickle the senses. The sun kissed the shimmering beach...only writers that are true poets would think of these lines. Waves in gaiety clashed. ....wonderful Merely quetzals taking snapshots...forgive my ignorance but what does "quetzals" mean?? Your ending in this well written piece is perfect and gives the entire poem a mystic that is charming. Well done! Peace...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2006-04-23 09:01:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Jordan, I think remember this one, I believe you have done a slight revision which keeps the eye catching imagry quite well intact and tightens the piece up. Of course with my memory I could be mistaken. :) My favotire part of this is of course: "The sun kissed the shimmering beach Waves in gaiety clashed." Such wonderful snapshots! A glorious 24 hour period that makes the reader happy to experience all of nature though this extremely tasty entree from you. Kudos! Best, Jennifer

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