This Poem was Submitted By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2007-01-23 02:23:58 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Splitting Atoms

  *Time is an atom with it's constant gyrations upward * it is honed. Time will tell it's due when it becomes no more for blowing in the wind. For Who can hold back the dawning of a new time when it is coming.? Watch and get ready that the rapture doesn't pass on by, without you.

Copyright © January 2007 Ellen K Lewis

Additional Notes:
Line counts are 5/7/5....

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2007-02-05 18:17:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Ellen, this is wonderful! It just carries you with it as it moves across the page. Love the ending, as well. Lest we miss the "rapture," indeed! I also like how you used the word "honed" in the first stanza. A fresh approach to what could have been considered cliche'. Well penned! Thanks for sharing, my friend. I enjoyed this read very much! Warmest, Mary

This Poem was Critiqued By: Michael BrokenSword On Date: 2007-01-26 17:47:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
My first question would be; what's up with the asterisks in S1? Don't see any need for such... There is some missing punctuation that impedes the flow as I have to reread and decipher what you meant. You have quite a few cliches; constant gyrations Time will tell blowing in the wind (shall we not give Dylan some credit for this line?) who can hold back dawn of (a new) time watch and get ready that the _____ doesn't pass (on by) without you Interesting pattern of using the Americanized haiku pattern but I did not think it did anything for the poem. All in all, an average poem beset by cliches. Message is there, presented, understood. I think this subject probably has been broached before and could use a different pov for a more unique presentation. Doesn't mean this is bad but I was taught that you want to aim for your 15 minutes of fame and to see your works remembered for a while; I don't think this one will be even if the idea has enough depth to be worthy. Sorry, not trying to offend. Something to do here to enhance, besides the new pov, would be to unwrite all the cliches and add more images; maybe even work this idea onto the back of a metaphor and let the readers see it from that perspective. BrokenSword
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-01-24 21:18:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72727
Ellen, Pleasing to read. But where did rapture ome from? Life is rapture? I wish..... Is this about begetting a child? Splitting an atom? this I could use some help with... Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-01-23 19:24:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89286
Ellen, Love your intent and choice of words with this poem. Might I make a few suggestions, just my own nits: Remove the words in the brackets, as for your closing line, I moved a few words around, you are aloud to make a strong point here, especially with your subject matter. Mind you, these are just suggestions. *Time is an atom with it's constant gyrations upward * it is honed. Time will tell it's due {when} it becomes no more for blowing in the wind. {For} Who can hold back the dawning of a new time {when} it is coming.? Watch, {and} get ready that the rapture does not pass you {on} by. {without.} Your point is well taken and for this reader, right on the money. Best always, Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-01-23 11:34:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Bravo Ellen.....well done.......line counts are right on, the images are there and the closing haiku certainly is an eye opener............thanks for posting and once more sharing your God given talents. God Bless, Claire
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